Imagine, if only for a moment, a fantasy situation wherein an evil witch or wicked stepmother casts a spell on two gluttonous, hyper-masculine men and turns them into pigs. Boars, whatever. Now imagine that in their lowered evolutionary state, these transformed men lose control and spend the next thirty minutes squeeing and trying to hurt each other with their pig arms and pig bodies.

Now that you’ve imagined that, compare and contrast it with this depressing-ass video of UFC 11 heavyweight tournament rivals Tank Abbott and Scott Ferrozzo having their scheduled 15-years-later rematch in somebody’s backyard. It was supposed to go down on 10/30 at the Dixie Cowgirls Night Club in Dayton, Ohio, and was advertised as a no time limit match (in a strip club) that would only end if one of the fighters died. Somehow “fight to the death in front of naked ladies” turned into “good-natured ground-hugging in front of some random dudes at a barbecue”, and the transition appears as jarring for the fighters as it does the people watching.

Some the highlights, courtesy of Cage Potato. Viewer (and listener) discretion is advised.

4:52: Tank lands a big left hand from the top, and poetically, two dead leaves float down into the frame, reminding us that life is fragile, and this fight is really happening in a f**king backyard.

10:54: Ferrozzo has both of Tank’s hands completely locked down. If this was legit MMA, the ref would call for a standup. But in Ohio Backyard DeathMatch Rules, there are no standups.

17:09: “I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I am a f**kin’ BEAST!”

20:50: They separate after a brief clinch. Tank backs up and doubles over with fatigue. If Ferrozzo had anything left, he’d end this sh*t right now with a flying knee, but he clearly gassed himself out yelling during the 15-minute opening round.

No matter what you think of Tank Abbott after watching this, remember — this isn’t as low as he’s gone.

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Have you seen the episode of “Modern Family” where Luke gets taken to a psychologist and left in a parking lot, and when his parents realize what they’ve done they start freaking out, but he rolls up in a limo and it turns out he’s smart and can find his way home? Good, now imagine that Claire and Phil Dunphy are alcoholic football fans, the psychologist’s office parking lot is Cleveland Browns Stadium and the limousine is the police.

From Dave Nethers at Fox 8:

According to police reports, Anna and Earnest Fugate of Circleville had come to the city’s muni-lot where they started arguing while “partying” before the Browns-Dolphins game.

Earnest then went on to the stadium, leaving their 9-year-old foster son with Anna, even though she was “obviously intoxicated,” “acting loopy, bumping into other people,” according to police.

“Anna then gave the boy to two strangers, who were heading into the game with game-day tickets,” according to the report. The two strangers turned him over to a security guard at the stadium.

A police lieutenant later stopped the Fugates’ vehicle as they were trying to leave the muni-lot together, without their foster son.

“When asked why they were leaving without their child, they shrugged,” the officer reported. “When asked why they did not report the child missing, they laughed.”

Anna and Earnest, who I’m picturing wearing a denim vest, have been charged with misdemeanor child endangering and pled not guilty, because honestly, how dangerous is it to hand your foster son over to some strangers in a football stadium parking lot and drive around drunk without him? If they’re convicted, they could do time. Now a family is going be broken, and a 9-year old knows how to fill a Mountain Dew bottle with urine and throw it at somebody.

No word on whether or not Anna caught her dress in an escalator at Browns Stadium and had to get naked in front of people, or if Ohio is going to pass some kind of law to keep people like this from adopting.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

The best part of any sports mascot making national news is that I’ve probably got a picture with him.

That’s me on the right (in a Cliff Lee Indians shersey, if you need to place it) with Stomper, mascot of the Lake Erie Crushers, an independent minor league team in Lorain County, Ohio. In what I can only assume to be a terrible episode of “Saved By The Bell”, Stomper’s head has gone missing. The video, courtesy of the fine people at Sports Grid, details the full investigation launched to retrieve an enormous, custom-made plush bear head, and the real news is that the report is hilarious and unbelievably overblown.

The people interviewed don’t seem to care much (“uh, yeah, the head costs money, so”) but Fox News 8 breaks out the Mission: Impossible theme, provides a deep history of Stomper’s presence at the park and puts a passionate emphasis on how important his dancing has been to Lorain County. “You used to be able to see Stomper dancing here … but now you can’t.” This is easily the worst thing to happen to Minor League mascots since I couldn’t meet Dingbat of the Bristol White Sox because the kid who plays him was “at church”.

If you’re the type who might know where to find his “beautiful, furry face”, please contact the Lake Eerie Crushers. Also, what the hell is wrong with you?

[h/t Pete Holby]

One of the things we love most here at the Uproxx Fortress of Porn Solitude is free porn a good meme. And when that meme combines with sports, well then we’re happier than a kitten with its head stuck in a can of Pringles. Unfortunately, this world is full of those stupid old people who don’t get jokes. What do we call them? Oh yeah, adults.

Kirtland High School laid a 49-7 spanking on Painesville Harvey in Ohio football action Friday night, and we would have never heard a word about it if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their no-good memes. After the game, a banner was displayed with the popular phrase “U Mad Bro?” as Painesville left the field. Nobody could possibly be mad about that, right?

Y U NO GET SARCASM???

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It’s been almost thirty years, but we have our first indication that Dennis Rodman is a normal human being: he hates LeBron James.

TMZ is reporting that a “local patron” of Akron, Ohio, named Michael Douglas stopped by a local bar because he heard Rodman was drinking there. Like any free-thinking citizen of Ohio, he approached Rodman and asked him if he was “in town to check up on LeBron”. So, like any free-thinking human being interacting with someone from Ohio, Rodman shoved him. TMZ makes sure to note that the Michael Douglas in question is not the actor, but he got shoved on his ass, so he’s at least Falling Down.

Police aren’t pursuing an investigation due to lack of evidence and Rodman’s reps are saying he has “no idea what this is about”, so here’s my theory; somebody told Michael Douglas the Ohioan that Dennis Rodman was drinking at a bar in Akron, but it was probably just a really tall black guy who didn’t want to be bothered and this guy went a-quippin’ and got pie-faced for it.

More people should get pie-faced for making LeBron jokes in public. I should be getting pie-faced almost constantly. I should be the Marc Summers of LeBron James jokes.

Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted last year, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. He plays for the Miami Heat, and because the Heat lost the NBA Finals, Governor John Kasich has drafted a proclamation making the Dallas Mavericks, assumedly even the ones like Caron Butler, honorary Ohioans.

Ack, sorry, I can’t keep up the Comic Sans. Who types like that, honestly? Anyway, the Governor’s proclamation is more or less childish schadenfruede (can schadenfruede be childish? Do you have to enjoy the ill-will of a child?) and should be taken with a grain of salt. Although if I was Jason Kidd (or whoever), I’d move to Dayton (or wherever) and use this as an explanation for why I shouldn’t have to update my driver’s license. I enjoy a good Nelson Muntz-style NYAH HA as much as the next guy, and as someone who lived in Cleveland for four years and considered but ultimately decided against buying both LeBron James AND Shaq jerseys I should find this hilarious. And sure, I do, but not as much as if metropolitan Akron had just stepped back and smirked while LeBron baked in his own slightly-less-great-than-God agony.

Ohio should keep doing this and make Art Modell everyone who played ’97 Florida Marlins honorary Michiganians.

[Proclamation pic courtesy of OTB]