The NHL Lockout is over and a lot of things are still up in the air — I’m still waiting on the updated Flyers schedule to see if I’ll be able to catch a game while I’m in town for National Pro Wrestling Day — but one thing is for sure: the NHL All-Star Game has been crumpled up and thrown in the garbage.

But hey, if you want to pretend you went to the game and watched the stars of the 2012-13 (full, uninterrupted) season go head-to-head, visit a central Ohio Dick’s.

That’s right: Columbus NHL All-Star Game swag (via Zach Ross) is still available at Dick’s Sporting Goods, selling for 50 percent off, which brings the price of your commemorative T-shirts down to $4.93. You too can own a piece of hockey history for around the same price as a 4-pack of toilet paper!

(via Puck Daddy)

If you don’t buy it, a kid in the Sudan is going to use it to replace his NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS PERFECT SEASON swag.

There’s really no better place to get disappointing sports clothes than at Dick’s Sporting Goods. When I moved to Texas, I picked up an authentic Cliff Lee Texas Rangers jersey for like 9 dollars. That’s the only thing I can think of off the top of my head more depressing than the lockout.

In case you missed our story about WWE’s Daniel Bryan letting 7-year-old Connor ‘Stone Crusher’ Michalek tap him out to the No Lock, pro wrestling news can be happy and positive. Case in point: Ohio’s PRIME Wrestling, and the managerial expertise of Jill Dials.

One of PRIME’s top tag teams is the ‘Handicapped Handguns,’ Gregory Iron and Zach Gowen. Iron was cerebral palsy, and Gowen lost his left leg to cancer when he was 8-years old. You may remember Iron as the guy who got WWE Champion CM Punk’s endorsement and made it onto ESPN back in 2011. You may remember Gowen from his 2003-2004 run in WWE, where he wrestled Vince McMahon on pay-per-view and once defeated Brock Lesnar by disqualification. They are pro wrestlers living their dream, no matter what life came up with to stop them.

The Handguns recently had a match on PRIME Wrestling TV against The Sons Of Michigan (note: you can’t get any more heel in Ohio than being from Michigan) and did something very special — they helped a fan’s life in wrestling become, if only for a night, as charmed as theirs.

Greg & Zach’s most passionate supporter is likely Jill Dials. Born with spina bifida and confined to a wheelchair, Jill looks to Greg & Zach as sources of inspiration & hope and frequently proudly proclaims them to be her heroes. She also has a dream of her own… to be a wrestling manager/valet like another hero of hers… the legendary Miss Elizabeth.

Watch as Greg & Zach make Jill’s lifelong dream come true in a truly touching & emotional sentiment, then watch how their decision results in a dream come true for everyone involved in a recent match on PRIME Wrestling TV against The Sons of Michigan, “Amazing” N8 Mattson & “Big Bear” Benjamin Boone.

She doesn’t just accompany them to ringside, either … she gets involved. The video is after the jump, and it’s a must watch, because they, sometimes people are awesome.

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There have been a lot of videos that exemplified the Cleveland experience — the “Factory Of Sadness” and hastily-made tourism videos among them — but none quite so beautifully as this one. In it, quote, “Dude sticks his head in a 5 gallon bucket of piss for $450″.

Barry over at Deadspin provides further analysis:

We were tempted to call this scene a microcosm for the Browns’ year, but then the Browns went and won the Battle of Ohio. But you know what? Phil won too. He won $450, and now some internet fame. So we’re confident in saying this: a man sticking his head in a bucket of piss, then getting paid for it, is absolutely the Browns’ 2012 season.

Also providing analysis is YouTube user “DJA216,” who gets to the heart of the matter:

I keep going back and forth on whether I think Piss Bucket Phil is smart or stupid for dunking his head in a group of peoples’ bodily waste for money, because on one hand he’s earning almost $500 for less than a second of work, but on the other, holy shit dude, how did your life end up here? All of the moments, triumphs and mistakes of your life have led you here, to a video of you bobbing for turds on the Internet.

Sorry, Cleveland. One day you’ll have something better to show American than this.

UPDATE: Here’s a clearer video. You know, uh, if you wanted to watch it.

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After years of the ‘Florida Or Ohio?’ game making criminals and ridiculous people easy to geographically identify, it looks like the people of Ohio are getting it together — on the heels of the most inspiring Ohio elementary school field day of all time comes the story of West Liberty-Salem High junior Meghan Vogel, a state champion in the 1,600 meters who turned her burned-out 3,200 meters performance into the best acts of sportsmanship you’re likely to see.

Vogel was last, the 15th runner on the track, with about 200 meters to go when she noticed the runner directly in front of her, Arden McMath of Arlington, was struggling.

McMath, a sophomore, fell to the track, got up and began to fall again when Vogel picked her up and carried McMath across the finish line, making sure to keep McMath ahead of her.

“I don’t really remember much about it,” Vogel said. “It was kind of a blur. I just remember picking her up and trying not to injure her as I crossed the line. She deserved to be in front of me.” (via USA Today)

Video of the finish is below. Keep it up, Ohio.

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Imagine, if only for a moment, a fantasy situation wherein an evil witch or wicked stepmother casts a spell on two gluttonous, hyper-masculine men and turns them into pigs. Boars, whatever. Now imagine that in their lowered evolutionary state, these transformed men lose control and spend the next thirty minutes squeeing and trying to hurt each other with their pig arms and pig bodies.

Now that you’ve imagined that, compare and contrast it with this depressing-ass video of UFC 11 heavyweight tournament rivals Tank Abbott and Scott Ferrozzo having their scheduled 15-years-later rematch in somebody’s backyard. It was supposed to go down on 10/30 at the Dixie Cowgirls Night Club in Dayton, Ohio, and was advertised as a no time limit match (in a strip club) that would only end if one of the fighters died. Somehow “fight to the death in front of naked ladies” turned into “good-natured ground-hugging in front of some random dudes at a barbecue”, and the transition appears as jarring for the fighters as it does the people watching.

Some the highlights, courtesy of Cage Potato. Viewer (and listener) discretion is advised.

4:52: Tank lands a big left hand from the top, and poetically, two dead leaves float down into the frame, reminding us that life is fragile, and this fight is really happening in a f**king backyard.

10:54: Ferrozzo has both of Tank’s hands completely locked down. If this was legit MMA, the ref would call for a standup. But in Ohio Backyard DeathMatch Rules, there are no standups.

17:09: “I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I can not be f**kin’ hurt! I am a f**kin’ BEAST!”

20:50: They separate after a brief clinch. Tank backs up and doubles over with fatigue. If Ferrozzo had anything left, he’d end this sh*t right now with a flying knee, but he clearly gassed himself out yelling during the 15-minute opening round.

No matter what you think of Tank Abbott after watching this, remember — this isn’t as low as he’s gone.

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Have you seen the episode of “Modern Family” where Luke gets taken to a psychologist and left in a parking lot, and when his parents realize what they’ve done they start freaking out, but he rolls up in a limo and it turns out he’s smart and can find his way home? Good, now imagine that Claire and Phil Dunphy are alcoholic football fans, the psychologist’s office parking lot is Cleveland Browns Stadium and the limousine is the police.

From Dave Nethers at Fox 8:

According to police reports, Anna and Earnest Fugate of Circleville had come to the city’s muni-lot where they started arguing while “partying” before the Browns-Dolphins game.

Earnest then went on to the stadium, leaving their 9-year-old foster son with Anna, even though she was “obviously intoxicated,” “acting loopy, bumping into other people,” according to police.

“Anna then gave the boy to two strangers, who were heading into the game with game-day tickets,” according to the report. The two strangers turned him over to a security guard at the stadium.

A police lieutenant later stopped the Fugates’ vehicle as they were trying to leave the muni-lot together, without their foster son.

“When asked why they were leaving without their child, they shrugged,” the officer reported. “When asked why they did not report the child missing, they laughed.”

Anna and Earnest, who I’m picturing wearing a denim vest, have been charged with misdemeanor child endangering and pled not guilty, because honestly, how dangerous is it to hand your foster son over to some strangers in a football stadium parking lot and drive around drunk without him? If they’re convicted, they could do time. Now a family is going be broken, and a 9-year old knows how to fill a Mountain Dew bottle with urine and throw it at somebody.

No word on whether or not Anna caught her dress in an escalator at Browns Stadium and had to get naked in front of people, or if Ohio is going to pass some kind of law to keep people like this from adopting.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]