Welcome to a new weekly feature that we’ll be running in which we make a bunch of predictions about the upcoming week in sports. I would have run this yesterday, but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF THE HEAVENS DID YOU SEE PAULINA GRETZKY? Also, hello to all our new readers in Finland!
Anywho, we miss a lot of little tidbits and interesting items during the day, for one reason or another, and not only will I use this as an opportunity to include more hockey news and discuss how humiliating last night’s St. Louis Blues loss was, but I will also lay my reputation as America’s last great gentleman blogger with a girl’s name on the line with 10 bold predictions.
Prepare to have your minds blown. (Side note: I would have posted this yesterday, but my crystal ball just kept telling me: “Dude, the Blues SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”)
As we head into the 4th quarter of the NBA season, the Chicago Bulls are the first and only team to have clinched a playoff spot so far, which wouldn’t seem like much of an accomplishment, except that Derrick Rose has missed 17 games this season. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat have entered that “we know we can kill anyone but we’re saving it for the playoffs” phase of their season, which doesn’t mean much, because they’ll still finish in the No. 2 spot – if they don’t gain ground and upend the Bulls, that is – because the Orlando Magic and Philadelphia 76ers most likely aren’t going to catch them.
In the West, the Oklahoma City Thunder showed they’re ready to start the playoffs now, with a 103-87 thrashing of the Heat on Sunday. San Antonio, though, has flown under the radar while becoming the second best team in the conference, and those cranky, grizzled veterans are probably the biggest threat to the Thunder’s Finals run. Well, except maybe the Lakers or the Mavericks. Or anyone.
This is my FunFunFun Fest print from the weekend, autographed right in the middle by Donald Glover. I got to shake his hand and tell him I’m that boyfriend of the cute hipster girl he doesn’t give a sh*t about, officially making me the coolest and best person at the UPROXX Network. ‘Camp’ rules so hard, buy it.
Links
Childish Gambino/Donald Glover Performed On Fallon Friday Night, Is Streaming New Album Online - The last five minutes of ‘That Power’ are better than anything I’ve heard on an album (of any kind, in any genre) … possibly ever. Completely f**ked me up. Support this man, whether you understand it yet or not. [UPROXX]
Meme Watch: Idiot Nerd Girl Is Less Nerd Than Idiot, But 100% Annoying - Thankfully I’m a little too old to have encountered too many girls like this, but Jesus Christ, they would’ve ruined my life in my teens. God proved he loved me by not bringing around the Internet until I was already like 15. [UPROXX]
Brett Ratner: “Rehearsal Is For F*gs.” - He’s just trolling us now, but to his credit, how many times do you have to rehearse when your script reads, “Lee. Lee! Lee! Leee!” [Film Drunk]
Tarantino & The RZA Connect: Wu-Tang Leader Joins “Django Unchained” Cast - Pretty excited for this. Less excited for the Tarantino Style Backlash that shows up between when his movies are announced and when they actually come out and are awesome. [Smoking Section]
These Dark Knight Rises Set Photos And Videos Are A Riot - If this movie was built out of the photos we’ve seen (and didn’t get a night filter draped over everything in post) it would be the worst movie of all time. 3 foot tall Zoidberg-faced Bane is not lighting my world on fire, guys. [Gamma Squad]
25 Most Surprising Rock Formations From Around The World - The King of Rock should be on this list, as there is none higher. [Buzzfeed]
11 Bloodiest Video Game Deaths - Sadly this is just for Adult Swim games, and isn’t 11 clips from God Of War. Poseidon’s death > yours. [Adult Swim]
10 Best Solo Dance Music Videos - A decent list, outside of Ciara. Ciara is embarrassing. If you “need a towel” after watching Ciara do something, you are also embarrassing. [Popcrush]
Amy Fisher Loses To Octomom In Celebrity Boxing Event After Taking A Few Well Placed Shots To The Head - I still think Octomom would implode and die if you punched her as hard as you could in the stomach. [FARK]
The 70 Greatest Last Film Lines of the Modern Era - The two best endings of the Modern Era – District 9 and the “constantly refreshing my Facebook to see if the friend request has gone through” thing at the end of The Social Network. [Pajiba]
A Gallery of Modernist Superheroes - I get these, but I’m pretty sick of reimagined superheroes. I can’t be the only one. That’s why I like the Batman video game, it lets me punch the Joker in the face without being like JOKER IS A GAY HISPANIC TEEN PROSTITUTE WHO WEARS AN IRONIC SHIRT THAT SAYS JOKER AND HE’S GOT A RETRACTABLE BO-STAFF AND JOKER-A-RANGS NOW or whatever. [Unreality]
Reebok Broke, Reebok Broke: Company Agrees To Pay $25 Million In Toning Shoe Refunds - R.I.P., Reebok, I will always remember you in your better days, when you tried to sell me shoes by having Shawn Kemp dunk on a robot in a game of Killer Instinct and then scream to destroy him. [Smoking Section]
Today’s Column: How Moneyball the Movie Became the Opposite of Moneyball the Concept - I still haven’t seen this. I’m a bad sports blogger. I’m going to try to recreate the experience by sitting in a pitch black room and listening to an A’s game on the radio. [Film Drunk]
Jose Canseco And Octomom Sitting In A Tree - In case you missed it yesterday, the Octomom is probably the most legitimately weird person to ever be famous for something, and Jose Canseco thinks he’s good at fighting people, but he isn’t. Also, lol Coolio. [With Leather]
How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [Moviefone]
Here Are The Nick Offerman High School Yearbook Photos Ron Swanson Fans Have Been Clamoring For - Nick Offerman isn’t a real person. I’m convinced Ron Swanson is a S1mone situation and his high school yearbook pictures are just part of the false memories. [UPROXX]
The Most Ridiculous Covers of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane - Comic books were awesome as hell before people like Judd Winick grew up and got put in charge of them. [Gamma Squad]
Creepily Specific, Poorly Made ‘Simpsons’ Cosplay to Haunt Your Dreams - I don’t do the “well, gonna have nightmares!” joke a lot, so please know it is not a joke when I say this is going to give me nightmares. Jesus Christ. [Warming Glow]
Meme Watch: Pug On A Slide Wins The Internet Today - Pretty sure this would win the Internet on any day. I get worried for pugs when they’re trying to walk forward, much less when they’re put on playground equipment. [UPROXX]
Awesome Quotes From 11 Famous Writers On Censorship - Important words to share with you from a website where the Dockers people will get mad and pull their ads if I type the f-word without stars over the U and C. [Buzzfeed]
The Road to Juggalo Recovery - I outlined the steps to recovery in yesterday’s Morning Links, but I’ll add a fourth: if you’re in public, put on a shirt. [Adult Swim\]
Popeye’s Scoop Shaped Dippable Fried Chicken Is a Real Thing - “What part of the chicken is a NUGGET??” the commercials ask. I don’t know, what part of the chicken is the “popcorn”? What part of the chicken comes out looking like a Frito, you psychopaths? [The Daily What]
28 Hi-Def Calvin and Hobbes Wallpapers - Just because. [Unreality]
By all accounts, Jose Canseco is a delusional maniac, unfolding mentally in front of more than 400,000 followers on Twitter. But damn it if he’s not entertaining as hell. So it’s only natural that the guy who spends his time telling us to “stop hateing and start loving” or asking for lawyers to help him get his chandeliers back would take a huge step forward in his career and participate in “Celebrity Fight Night.”
I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but apparently there is a group of people who consider themselves celebrities and they travel the country making promotional appearances under the guise of the Celebrity Boxing Foundation at bars and night clubs, where they fight each other. And these fights all lead up to the main event, a pay-per-view sh*t show that opens the gates of hell just a little bit wider.
To be somewhat fair and positive, some of the proceeds will go to the Muhammad Ali Parkinson Center, so that’s good. In fact, here is Celebrity Fight Night’s honest-to-God press description:
Celebrity Fight Night is one of the nation’s most elite, star-studded charity events that uses the mediums of live auctions, musical performances and appearances by special celebrity guests to raise funds for the famous boxer’s foundation.
I assume that these famous-in-their-own-mind pseudo-celebs will receive some sort of appearance fee, and whoever is behind this whole thing will probably have some “other fees” to handle. Either way, I’m sure that this prestigious event will raise hundreds – nay, thousands! – of dollars for a fantastic, honorable charity that will probably ask them to leave in an envelope under the doormat.
How Many Awkward Patrick Swayze Jokes Are in ’50/50′? - I love you, Anna Kendrick, like a real, lasting love, so I’m going to go see this movie you’re in, and you have to repay me by being super nice to me should we ever meet. Not weird-nice, just pleasant and happy, because Lord, I sat through this movie. [
