Barring a miracle, the Miami Heat will win the NBA Championship. That’s reality, folks. Of the 30 teams down 3-1 in NBA Finals history, a whopping zero of them have pulled off the come-from-behind. That puts the Oklahoma City Thunder’s chances at roughly zilch with a 1% margin of error. However, that 1% would require Scott Brooks to start coaching like he belongs in the Finals and the rest of the Thunder to forget about the refs and man up.

But until that miracle occurs, we can expect an influx of “swag” being thrown in the face of “haters”. After last night’s 104-98 win, LeBron James is on the cusp of ending nearly 9 years of talk that he can’t close the deal, or that he doesn’t rise to the occasion. He knows it’s coming. Dwyane Wade knows it’s coming. Hell, he even stole a page from my book and wore the Dwayne Wayne glasses last night.

And when those two know it, Heat fans know it.

Those fans down in South Florida are a special breed. I know, I grew up down there and had to deal with it all for far longer than I would have liked. They’re obnoxiously devoted, despite the fact that some of them will jump ship at the first sign of losing. The Heat aren’t losing, though, and that means those fans are about to be louder than ever, because they just don’t care what the haters think.

We just have put on our white sunglasses and deal with them. Who are they, you ask? Let’s take a look.

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The Miami Heat came hard. LeBron James told everyone who called him “un-clutch” or “non-clutch” or “that dude who doesn’t win sh*t” to kiss his ass. The Eastern Conference Finals are now tied at 3 after the Boston Celtics laid down like speed bumps, and everyone who thought it was a done deal for the Celtics is now back-tracking in the worst way, including the most loyal Celtics fans.

The fans at the Jungle spent money. They expected a win. When it didn’t happen, they became… well, sports fans.

As James left the court with his 45 points and 15 rebounds, some Celtics fans let him know exactly how they felt. By that, I mean they dumped a beer on him.

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As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as more thoughtful, intelligent and ticklish than other baseball fans, because, as everyone in America has agreed unanimously to call us, we are the best fans in baseball. In reality, though, Cardinals fans are no different than any other fans of any other teams in any others sports. There are plenty of a-holes hanging out at Busch Stadium, but they’re the best a-holes in baseball, damn it.

And I know that the Redbird faithful may charge me with treason or blasphemy for leaking this little secret, but Twitter has been leaking it like a busted septic tank long enough, as evidenced by my new favorite Twitter account du jour – Baseball’s Best Fans. A sample:

Basically, a brave, anonymous baseball truther is taking on the fans of the senior circuit’s most decorated franchise and exposing them as witless, offensive, racist, homophobic dolts. Or as we like to call them… sports fans.

After the jump, enjoy a small sampling of @BestFansStLouis.

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Some Raiders fans are really quite pleasant.

For the past two years, the NFL has apparently been sending undercover rival fans into stadiums to goad home fans into starting fights so Roger Goodell and his army of peacekeepers could weed out the sh*tty fans. Somewhere Bryan Stow’s family is like, “WTF Bud Selig?”

The fans that were busted picking fights and acting a fool, as my friend Ludacris would say, received lifetime bans from NFL games, because little Timmy and Sally Everyperson need to have a good time watching guys kick the piss out of each other on a field every Sunday.

But don’t worry, guys who like getting hammered and picking fights to make yourselves feel better about your awful lives. The NFL is giving you all a second chance by letting you take an online test to make sure you’ve learned your lessons.

“We’re not trying to squash anyone’s passion. We’re just trying to say don’t be violent,” said Dr. Ari Novick, the Californian who’s the brains behind the program.

Requirements will vary depending on the stadium, but most of the time the stadium louts will have to pass the test before being allowed back in, he said.

The classes are an effort to stem the rising tide of ugly stadium behavior that has included everything from bare-knuckle brawls to lewd Jets fans who screamed obscenities at women until they exposed their breasts in a rude Gate D tradition at the old Giants Stadium. (Via the New York Post)

The test also costs $75, so I wouldn’t be too shocked if a few people end up failing them two or three or 12 times before they’re allowed back, if you know what I mean.

Actually, the NFL doesn’t get any of the money. For each person who takes the test, Mothers Against Drunk Driving gets $10 and the HERO Campaign gets another $10. The other $55? Oh, it goes in Dr. Novick’s pocket. How convenient of an idea.

There are a few types of stories I try not to miss — baseball players in drag, pets who have miraculously found their way home after natural disasters — but the best story of all is the one where a Philadelphia sports fan is acting like a butthole and gets hit or shocked or shot with something.

Via Puck Daddy:

During the first round of the 2011 Eastern Conference Playoffs, a Philadelphia Flyers fan taunted the Buffalo Sabres during warm-ups before a game at Wells Fargo Center, and the Sabres responded by plunking a few pucks off the glass at this pest.

Eventually, it was time for 6-foot-7 defenseman Tyler Myers to offer his rejoinder — with smashing results.

I don’t want to piss off the “no fan deserves this” or “there were kids sitting nearby who could’ve gotten hurt” crowds, but I feel it’s my obligation as a guy who has calmly loved and followed sports his entire life to find some level of schadenfreude in the unfortunate events that befall the people who won’t shut up during them. And also Flyers fans.

Lost in the shuffle of BCS chicanery last week was the plight of Brigham Young University, whose football program was hoping to make its own exodus of sorts from the Mountain West Conference. Considering the history of the Mormon culture, I’m kinda surprised that BYU doesn’t play in multiple conferences at the same time.

The Provo, Utah, school doesn’t have many alternatives since the Mountain West pulled the rug from under the Western Athletic Conference by raiding Fresno State and Nevada. BYU was contemplating going to the WAC in all sports except football and becoming an independent in football but playing a handful of WAC opponents.

BYU has made no secret it wants greater freedom to broadcast its games over its network, BYU-TV. Unlike the proposed University of Texas network, BYU-TV isn’t a cash cow but a vehicle for spreading the Mormon faith.

–Denver Post.

The fact is that, in the history of horrible fanbases, BYU has gotten a pass, and that’s just not right. While Ohio State fans might urinate wherever they please and Alabama fans can’t read and Clemson fans can’t manage expectations, BYU fans for the large part think they’re the LDS version of Notre Dame. Read the rest of this entry »