"And this is the sound mah private plane makes... DERRRRRRRRP."

This might be my favorite story of the year so far. A Colorado man and Navy veteran passed away on Monday, and above all else he prided himself as a huge Denver Broncos fan. That’s important to note, because he went out with the coolest obituary opening I’ve ever read.

James H. “Jim” Driver, 78, of Eagle, Colo., formerly of Columbia, passed away Monday, March 19, 2012, at South Hampton Place in Columbia after a brief illness. An avid Broncos fan, he abhorred Manning and evidently wanted out before a deal was done. (Via The Columbia Daily Tribune)

Reading the rest of his obituary, Driver sounds like a pretty cool guy. He married a girl from St. Louis, lived in Florida and owned a pizza shop. He also donated his spare time to teaching kids how to ice skate – not my bag, but I like teaching kids how to curse – and helping animal shelters. It’s like he outlined the life I want to live, only to leave out the part about repopulating an entire of race of large-breasted alien women who look like Kate Upton but are all Siamese twins.

I may have never met Jim Driver, but I get the feeling I would have enjoyed watching a football game with him.

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On Monday, an elderly woman at a Blackhawks game collapsed and died.  Not the sort of thing that makes an interesting story until you realize that her mother died in the same fashion two decades earlier.

While watching her favorite team, the Blackhawks, play at the United Center on Monday, Marguerite Kuhlman collapsed and later died.

Patricia and Dorothea Kuhlman said that even more peculiar than the death of their sister, 68, at the hockey game is the fact that their mother died under similar circumstances nearly 22 years ago. Mildred Kuhlman died March 30, 1986, while attending a Blackhawks game at Chicago Stadium, Patricia Kuhlman said.

At first I thought this was a pretty cool story, but on second thought it’s just a boring coincidence.  They’re old ladies.  They die.  That’s what they do.  It’s not like mother and daughter were both killed in freak zamboni accidents.  THAT would have been cool.  This is like figuring out two relatives both had heart attacks… while taking out the garbage! Dun dun DUNNNN!

[Sports by Brooks]

As you’ve now seen from 800,000 different news sources, Paul Newman died from cancer at the age of 83 this weekend. Few people have kicked ass at life the way Newman did.  When he wasn’t playing badasses, loners, or rogues in movies, he drove racecars and raised hundreds of millions of dollars for children’s charities.  Cool Hand Luke is easily one of my favorite movies ever made, and Butch and Sundance would be up there if it weren’t for the “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head” scene that made me want to break a bottle of Newman’s Own over my head.  The Sting, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Hustler… holy crap.  Thank you, Paul Newman.

And, of course, to tie this all back to sports, he played Reg Dunlop in Slap Shot (see vid after the jump). Easily the greatest hockey movie ever.  I guess that’s kinda easy to do when your only competition is Miracle and Mystery, Alaska.

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Drag racer Scott Kalitta was killed in a horrific crash in New Jersey while qualifying for the Lucas Oil NHRA SuperNationals on Saturday.  Kalitta, 46, was an accomplished driver with 18 career victories on the circuit.  More than four words from the AP:

Scott Kalitta died Saturday when his Funny Car crashed and burst into flames… Witnesses told The Star-Ledger of Newark that Kalitta's Toyota Solara was traveling at an estimated speed of 300 mph when the crash occurred.

The video shown by ESPN2 (after the jump) would be amazing to watch if it weren't for the sobering reality that somebody was, um, burning to death inside.  Yikes.  If you see anyone saying "At least he died doing what he loved," you are hereby deputized to kick that person's ass.

George Carlin, one of the most important and influential voices in comedy during a career that spanned five decades, died yesterday of heart failure.  He was 71.  Just about every sports blog is posting this video, his piece about the differences between baseball and football; however, he could have never done a joke about sports, and his life and work would still be more important to the existence of this site (and others like it) than any single person in the world of sports.

Carlin wasn't just some pissed-off guy ranting about assholes; he was a pissed-off guy with wit and a gift for identifying and exploiting subtle hiccups in the English language… who happened to rant about assholes.  Hacks like me may find inspiration in his voice, but we'll always be small in his shadow.

Man this sucks.  Hey Death, if you're going to take Richard Pryor and George Carlin, you gotta take Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook, too.  Fair is fair, dickhead.

It's a great day in sports for disease and death.  ESPN has an exclusive interview with Tennessee shooting guard Chris Lofton in which the Volunteers' marksman reveals his private battle with testicular cancer.  Since a random drug test a year ago turned up positive — high levels of beta hCG can indicate either steroid use or cancer — Lofton kept his disease secret from his teammates and extended family.  Only now has he come forward to talk about the illness that has left him riddled with tired cliches:

"You're going to get knocked down. It's whether you stay down or whether you get back up and fight that counts."

In slightly less grave disease news, Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler has been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  He will need daily insulin injections, but is expected to be able to continue disappointing Broncos fans.

And to cap things off on a more cheerful note, an obituary: former Dodgers executive Buzzie Bavasi died at 93.  Doctors believe the cause of death was being extremely old.