I almost called him “The Ndamukong Suh Of Football.” Remember when Suh fell down and his leg just happened to float straight up into the air, find itself directly in front of Matt Schaub’s junk and kick “for stability” because it’d become sentient and detached from the rest of Suh’s body?

Meet Pepe, the hobby horse Portuguese professional footballer for Real Madrid who has similar magic nut-crushing leg problems. Here we see him getting frustrated and kung-fu kicking backwards, accidentally stomping Celta Vigo’s Soto Roberto Lago in the dick. I’m sure he didn’t meant to do it — I don’t think soccer players would ever intentionally hurt one another — but hey, sometimes your leg’s brain goes AWOL and makes it boondoggle the nearest pair of balls.

If he didn’t do it on purpose, my theory is that he was going for this:

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get it

In the spiritual successor to a soccer ball ricocheting into a goalie’s crotch, Borussia Dortmund’s defender Lukasz Piszczek slides to stop a goal and slides testes-first into the goal post.

It seems like such a horrifying thing to happen to a man, but in a world where a rugby player can rupture a testicle, play the rest of the game with said ruptured ball and make a bunch of jokes about it on Twitter, it doesn’t seem so bad. I probably shouldn’t hold everyone up to the impossible bar Paul Wood, but GET UP, SOCCER WIMP.

[h/t to Bob's Blitz, who are always on top of these soccer-in-the-nuts stories]

The post we mean is his penis. (via Bob’s Blitz)

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While people want to turn video of Melissa Tancredi stepping on Carli Lloyd’s head into the next Zapruder film, I think the majority of us can agree that Argentina’s Facundo Campazzo blatantly hitting Carmelo Anthony in the nuts was one of the lowest points of Olympic competition. After all, there’s an unwritten law and a code among men that you should never smack another bro in the gooners unless it’s the absolute last resort. Campazzo did it because Chris Paul allegedly punched him earlier in that game, and that’s pretty much the ultimate bullsh*t excuse. Campazzo still hasn’t apologized to Anthony, but maybe he will apologize to his teammate Luis Scola when someone takes it out on him during an NBA game next season.

But we can stop talking about Campazzo now, because Nicolas Batum took the dick-punching cake today as he and Team France lost to Spain, 66-59. As you can see in the GIF above (Via Buzzfeed Sports) Batum absolutely wailed on Carlos Navarro’s turkey baster. At first I thought, “Well, Batum is probably punching at the ball.” But I was wrong, because Batum is both cheap and honest.

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Incredibly talented sports and TV personality Jenn Sterger is at the center of a NFL investigation concerning Brett Favre’s wrinkled old penis, but we all know plenty about this already, and if you don’t then you need to catch up the gross way by checking out this post at Kissing Suzy Kolber from last week. All set? Good. Sterger’s lawyer recently told reporters that they were looking for the proper result in the NFL’s investigation of Favre’s dong, and while I’m guessing that means she wants to see some financial restitution for all the pain and suffering she’s been through for having to witness old man balls, I like to think that we all got some restitution this week for the past four years when Favre was hit in the crotch with a football during practice.

Flubby over at KSK already made the proper and necessary Simpsons reference and Xmas Ape deserves an Espy for his video work (after the jump), and the fellas were even wise enough to turn this special moment into GIF form, but seeing as this feels like Christmas morning to me, I just wanted to make sure that we did our job of sharing the video footage of Favre getting hit in the nuts by a football, too.

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It’s bizarre how “Achilles‘ heel” came to be part of the medical lexicon, with the name of the large tendon running down the back of the leg to the heel now named for the legend of the Ancient Greek. But the term is also shorthand for describing a glaring weakness of an otherwise impenetrable force, which is odd. Because I totally would have called that “Achilles’ balls.” Let’s ask Mariners shortstop Adrian Beltre, who suffered a fate much more cruel than that of our Greek hero.

Beltre suffered the injury in the ninth inning when a ground ball off the bat of Chicago White Sox shortstop Alexei Ramirez hit Beltre in the groin. Beltre does not wear a protective cup. He finished the 14-inning game.

Manager Don Wakamatsu said Beltre might need surgery because of bleeding in the testicle. If surgery is required, it could take months for Beltre to recover. via.

I can remember being ten years old in soccer practice and taking a ball to the nuts; it’s so painful that you wish you would die instead of endure the pain. So I applaud any dude that can take a ball of the junk and finish an extra inning game. That kind of effort takes real…balls.