A tale as old as time, and a great reason to love soccer: one guy says something racist, so the other guy lifts him off the ground with a boot to the nuts.

By way of It’s Always Sunny In Detroit:

Didier Zokora claimed that Emre Belozoglu used a racial slur when the two players’ Turkish clubs met in April. Belozoglu was suspended for two games for the incident.

Zokora got his revenge Sunday when he came together with Belozoglu.

Remind me to never go to Turkey and be a racist. That looked less like a kick to the junk and more like a guy getting gored during the Running Of The Bulls. Motherf**ker kicked a field goal. Didier only got a yellow card for his actions, but watching Belozoglu roll around on the ground in agony after being flung across the stadium by his scrotum was worth any punishment.

Let that be a lesson to everyone:

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New Zealand cricketer Kane Williamson is one of the luckiest men on Earth today.

If you’ve ever wondered what happens when a high-speed cricket ball collides ball-on-ball with an exposed testicle, thank Christ you aren’t gonna find out here … in the above video, Williamson takes a shot to the crumpet and staggers away, removing his cup to reveal that it is basically split down the middle. If he hadn’t been wearing one, he might’ve had to give up cricket and start competitive blood-peeing.

The horror you might feel seeing that is immediately replaced by the announce team’s hilariously in-depth discussion of “skin torque” and the value of the “box breaking”. Apparently it’s a good thing when your box breaks.

So, uh, I guess we should be happy this wasn’t women’s cricket.

[h/t Sweater Punch]

Oh, sorry, the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover story is AFTER the Morning Links, this is a guy literally busting nuts. With his butt. Sorry for the confusion!

(via The FW)

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Links

The Best Of #Kenny Powers - “So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I’m not making that up.” [UPROXX]

One ‘Community’ Character Will Die: Let’s Place Odds - Can it please be Chang? There’s nothing Chang does the Dean can’t do better. [Warming Glow]

5 Reasons “Comic Book Men” Stinks - Reason number f**king one: we are not 18 anymore, and “tell ‘em Steve-Dave” just doesn’t have the same impact. [Gamma Squad]

Sports, Illustrated: In Celebration Of Alex Morgan’s Body Paint Bikini - Lots of swimsuits this week. Make sure you didn’t miss the one made out of paint. [With Leather]

Nicki Minaj Offended The World At The Grammys - or, “Nicki Minaj did something on purpose to make headlines because she isn’t good at music and people bought it, because people are dumb”. [Smoking Section]

Henry Rollins’ awesome letter to Chris Farley from 1995 - Sadly, not the same Chris Farley. “YOUR FILM BLACK SHEEP WAS MALICIOUS AND CAPRICIOUS.” [Film Drunk]

Inevitable ‘Who The F*ck Is Bon Iver?’ Reactions Vastly Improved By The Rise Of ‘Bonnie Bear’ & ‘Bony Bear’ - Dude should just change his band’s name to Bonnie Bear and be done with it. I’d listen to Bonnie Bear. [UPROXX]

NYU Girls’ Newt Gingrich Slumber Party - Nowhere near as awesome as Kent State’s Dennis Kucinich parties, where all the girls are 6-foot-3 vegan redheads. [Buzzfeed]

15 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes By Comedians - “Those flowers fer yer wife fer Valentine’s Day? NOPE, just thought I’d do a lil’ mid-February gardenin’! Here’s yer sign!” – Bill Engvall [HuffPost Comedy]

Jay Z’s ‘99 Problems’ Recreated with Film Clips - See, THIS is what the Internet is for. [Brobible]

Movies That Should Get The 3D Treatment - Not gonna lie, I would go see a 3-D re-release of Snow Dogs. Country Bears, too. [Adult Swim]

20 Favorite Rom-Com Actors Under 40 - I feel like you shouldn’t be a “rom-com actor”, you should just be an actor who has appeared in a romantic comedy. Once you get into Kate Hudson territory it’s time for retirement. [Moviefone]

8 Animal Misconceptions Rundown - Number 9: Dogs can’t look up. [High Definite]

The YouTube description for this video says it all in a wonderful, Hans Moleman sort of way:

Man getting kicked in the balls after committing a foul and taunting other players.

I guess the only thing you can add after that is “excuse me, Man? If you’re going to commit a foul and taunt other players, don’t stand over them with your legs like that”. I don’t know a lot about lacrosse and even less about Hurling, which this apparently is, so I’m not sure where the fouling starts. A guy gets dragged to the ground, so a player from the other team hits him with a stick. Is it legal in Hurling to hit the other team with youre stick when they’re on the ground? Anyway, that guy gets checked from behind, then retaliates by kicking a guy in the balls. Funny, or video evidence of the least sportsmanlike player of all time? You make the call.

[h/t Bob's Blitz]

Happy Independence Day, With Leatherites! While I’m sure we could all talk about how Real Madrid offered to make Rudy Fernandez the highest paid player in Spain for the next six season and how that should have the NBA owners crapping in their pants, or how Kobe Bryant wants to take a group of elite NBA players on tour in China (and probably never return), or we could even talk about how the NFL players were offered a 50-50 revenue split with no money off the top but they’re still not happy because they don’t want to pay into their own retirement funds, we won’t. At least not today.

Because today is about some dudes who signed a piece of paper to give us the right to enjoy a three-day weekend each July by getting totally sh*t-hammered and making asses out of ourselves in the name of the good, old U.S. of A. And our founding fathers also gave us the right to purchase Chinese fireworks – often illegally – and put our lives in jeopardy with them. So I took a few seconds to scour YouTube for some of the better fireworks fails and I realized that thousands of people out there have no clue what “fail” means. And even more people think that poorly staged fireworks nut shots should be on Tosh.0.

Regardless, I put together this little collection for your enjoyment, and I’m sure that I left out some good videos because daddy is feeling ouchies from 3rd of July boozery, so feel free to remind me and I’ll add them in. Otherwise, have a safe and happy one and try not to burn off your eyebrows. Unless you’re Pete Sampras.

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It’s a pretty slow news day in the sports world, so here’s a guy intentionally destroying his testicles on a stair railing. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

[Don Chavez]