Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic and Argentine footballer Lionel Messi are among the sports stars named on Time magazine’s “The 100 Most Influential People In The World” for 2012, listed alongside such world-shapers as Burmese President U Thein Sein, public health statistician Hans Rosling and the red-haired lady who isn’t Emma Stone from The Help.

Of course, no list of ANYTHING written in 2012 can be compiled without including New York Jets quarterback/Easter Bunny Tim Tebow, and because the list was probably put together in February it also includes Jeremy Lin. Remember when Jeremy Lin was a thing?

Lin had his entry written by Arne Duncan, the U.S. Secretary of Education (it’s just “Jeremy Lin likes to WIN”, you don’t need to read it). Tebow, oddly enough, had his entry written by Jeremy Lin.

Here’s Lin’s work, with an introductory paragraph that establishes themes and makes you wish he’d chosen to be an English major.

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On July 14, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic are going to play a charity exhibition match at Real Madrid’s Santiago Bernabeau Stadium, as they’ll attempt to break the all-time record for attendance at a tennis match while raising money for the Real Madrid and Rafael Nadal Foundations. The current record was set in 2010 when more than 35,000 people watched Kim Clijsters beat Serena Williams in Brussels.

That’s awesome news because both foundations work to assist disabled children and these two rivals – if you call Djokovic owning a 7-match winning streak against Nadal a rivalry – are sure to put more than 40,000 butts in the seats for a good cause. And hopefully at some point, a fan says that Nadal looks like a capybara so I can make a better segue than this.

Self-described “person with some interests” Laurie Ainley recently launched the new Tumblr, Capybaras That Look Like Rafael Nadal, that indeed points out that the two-time Wimbledon champ looks a little bit like a capybara, or the largest rodent in the world. Is this just a little mean? Maybe, but I’ve long contended that capybaras are adorable, so we’re treating it as an honor.

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It feels like the U.S. Open has turned into the NBA Playoffs, what with rain causing the tennis tournament to last the better part of a month, but we’ve definitely seen our fair shares of excitement. For instance, did you catch that semifinals match between Roger Federer (3) and Novak Djokovic (1) on Saturday? Hoo boy, that was some tennis excitement. Djokovic’s come-from-behind win in the 5th set was far and away the highlight of this year’s Open, but today’s Finals matchup between Djokovic and Rafael Nadal (2), who defeated Andy Murray with much less excitement in the semifinals, will probably be the stuff of legends as well.

On the women’s side, 9th-ranked Samantha Stosur defeated Serena Williams 6-2 and 6-3 to win the Women’s Championship, and of course Williams blamed it on the officiating. Williams yelled, “Come on” during a rally and umpire Eva Asderaki docked her a point for a code violation. That’s when Williams became a little miffed.

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If you thought you’d figured out how Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic ended up number one in the world, think again. Was it hard work? No. Natural talent? Of course not. It was his rich friend in New Jersey convinced him to sit in a pressurized-egg like the one Axl Rose owns that looks like Gypsy from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and works like a tanning bed for your mitochondrial biogenesis.

Wait, f**king what?

But now there’s something truly weird: the CVAC Pod.

Ever since last year’s U.S. Open, Djokovic has been trying to improve his fitness by climbing into a rare $75,000 egg-shaped, bobsled-sized pressure chamber.

The machine, which is made by a California-based company called CVAC Systems and hasn’t been banned by any sports governing bodies, is one of only 20 in the world.

And I guess Martina Hingis was so good because she played a lot of “Afterburner”.

A report from the Wall Street Journal says the egg “uses a computer-controlled valve and a vacuum pump to simulate high altitude and compress the muscles at rhythmic intervals”, but I’m not buying it for a second. I don’t think this man-sized flip phone can make you better at tennis by jamming you into a shrink-wrapper, I think that when nuclear war goes down they’re gonna throw these things into the vaults and use them to make us think we’re on Tranquility Lane. You know, until the Chinese show up.

I like how they mention that it isn’t banned. I want to be there when the guy in charge of tennis gets a memo reading “do you want to ban George Forman Grills For People y/n”. At least Novak has things in perspective.

“I think it really helps—not with muscle but more with recovery after an exhausting set,” he said. “It’s like a spaceship. It’s very interesting technology.”

If he makes “pshoo pshoo” noises while he’s in it, does it help the rebuilding process?

Novak Djokovic won his first Wimbledon title over the weekend, defeating noted anti-sleeve zealot Rafael Nadal. Immediately after winning the decisive point, he collapsed to ground and began a bonkers celebration that included him actually and for seriously eating some of the grass from Centre Court (video at Yahoo). Quoteth the Serb:

“I felt like an animal. I wanted to see how it tastes. It tastes good. It just came. I don’t know. It came spontaneously really. I didn’t plan to do it. You know, I didn’t know what to do for my excitement and joy.”

This brings me to an important point: thank God Novak Djokovic felt like a docile, grazing animal after his victory. What if he had felt like some sort of carnivore and leaped into the stands on the hunt for human flesh? Because, seriously, that quote could have been an attempted justification for that too, perhaps as part of an insanity plea. “Oh your honor, I just wanted to see how it tastes. I swear I didn’t plan it out.” Whatever, Dahmer.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: let’s just hope he doesn’t turn out to be an omnivore, or the U.S. Open could end up being a bloodbath.

Here’s the telecast of Novak Djokovic after his quarterfinal win in the US Open doing an impression of John McEnroe, whose book is absolutely terrible. Don’t ever read it, even if you’re stuck in a Mexican hospital and it’s the only English-language book in front of you. They love McEnroe in Mexico. But anyway, Mad Mac himself comes down from the broadcast booth to hit around with Djokovic for a bit, and I’d love to see this happen in any other sport. How awesome would it be to see Terry Bradshaw tossing on the field with Hines Ward, only to get crushed in the ribs as Kyle Vanden Bosch buries him into the turf. Somebody needs to make this happen. I’m looking at you, FOX Sports.