Ahhh, Florida.  America's Wang.  It's been too long since you graced us at With Leather with your presence.  That's why I want to thank "Kevin Shelton" for this hilariously botched robbery:

A man walked in at about 2 p.m. and slipped the teller a note that said, "$30,000 are else. Have a nice day." The money was booby-trapped… and when it exploded the robber dropped a pile of red-stained $5 and $10 bills. [...]

You know you're dealing with elite criminal minds when they don't even bother with differentiating between verbs and conjunctions. Their only language?  Ruthless violence.  After the dye mishap, our villain sought shelter in a nearby salon:

[Shelton] told the stylist he wanted a manicure and a new mane of hair like Johnny Depp's in the movie "Blow." "I told him we couldn't do the extensions," said the stylist, Erin Winick, 32. "I said it was impossible. It takes too long." [...}

"He was telling me that he was a football player for the Arizona Cardinals and he's here painting boats," Winick said. "I thought, isn't it football season now? Some people just make up stuff, so I don't judge."

Wow.  Suddenly "$30,000 are else" isn't the dumbest thing about this guy.  That couldn't have been easy to trump.  You really have to work to be that dumb.  Or spend five minutes on the set of NFL Countdown.

[Deadspin] 

Objectively speaking, yesterday was  a pretty tremendous day for the NFL: the Patriots rallied in the fourth quarter to beat the Colts in a close game, justifying all the hype for the Final Battle Between Good and Evil.  Antonio Cromartie returned a missed field goal 109 yards for a touchdown to set an NFL record for longest return of any kind, but the Vikings shocked the Chargers 35-17 (shocked the Chargers — get it?!?) behind Adrian Peterson's record-setting 296 rushing yards and three touchdowns.  And the Lions brought the beat-down on the Broncos, inexplicably cruising to a 44-7 home victory in a day of surprises.

That's the objective, glass-half-full view.  In reality, there was just as much sucking around the NFL as there is every week, and nowhere was the sucking as wanton as in the NFC West, where the 0-8 Rams had the best week of any team in the division simply by not playing.  Have a look:

• Falcons 20, 49ers 16: San Francisco turned the ball over four times en route to losing to Joey Harrington and the Falcons.  I'd say that no one loses to the Falcons, but the Niners would be 0-8 if they hadn't started the season with two unimpressive, fluke-y wins.  This team is fucking terrible.
• Buccaneers 17, Cardinals 10: Arizona's total time of possession: sixteen minutes and 53 seconds.  Yes, out of sixty.  How the hell the Bucs only scored 17 is a mystery, but here's what I do know: the Cardinals are awful, and that game was misery to watch.
• Browns 33, Seahawks 30 (OT): Because everyone else was watching Pats-Colts, few got to witness the Seahawks dominate the Browns for a half before giving away the game with predictable play-calling and unimaginative blitz packages.  No coach in the league does less with more talent than Mike Holmgren.  I can't even talk about it.  Go read this and leave me alone.

There you go.  The 'Hawks are 4-4 and in first place of a division that has a combined 9-23 record. The NFC West: sucking more than a roomful of hookers at a vacuum cleaner convention. 

As noted yesterday, Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald has a paternity suit coming his way, despite his alleged efforts to keep his impregnated cheerleader quiet with bribes and his desire for her to get an abortion.  It's one of those heartwarming stories.

In an in-depth follow-up to the story, I couldn't find a picture of the cheerleader in question, but industrious Internet wizard Brent sent along this photo of the mom-to-be, Angela Nazario, back when she was in playing shape.  At least I have reason to think it's her.  I mean, the file is called "angela_nazario" — how can it NOT be her?  Plus "Nazario" is one of those names that's, like, Italian or some kinda Spanish, and this chick has dark hair and dark eyes, so that checks out, too.  On the other hand, the photo looks like it could easily be from the early '90s, so maybe Fitty's got himself one of those time-cocks I keep hearing about.

Right.  So anyway, this post seemed like a better idea before I started writing it.  Whatever.  Hey, it's a picture of a cheerleader.  What the hell else do you want from me?

Hooray for cheerleader sex news!  Unfortunately, this is the unsexy kind of sex news, as the sex in question led to the production of a human fetus (Gross!).  As was broken early this past weekend, Cardinals All-Pro wide receiver/cracker enthusiast Larry Fitzgerald has been hit with a paternity suit by a former Oakland Raiders cheerleader named Angela Nazario.

Nazario is seeking child support from Fitzgerald, which he says he'll provide, if he's determined to be the father. A source close to Nazario says he has asked her to "hide" out in a small Arizona town, and asked her to have an abortion. Fitzgerald also allegedly tried to bribe her with offers of houses and cars, and when she declined, he told her "I don't need this all over the news like Matt Leinart."

Indeed he doesn't need this all over the news.  So let's keep it between us, okay?  The only people that have to know are Larry, Angela, the lawyers, and the 50,000 of you who just read about it.  And I know 50,000 sounds like a lot of people, but that's actually not even enough to fill University of Phoenix Stadium or Kim Kardashian's vagina, so it's kind of a secret.  The kid will never have know his father wanted him aborted until the day he Googles his mom's name, so that's nice.

[Via AZ Sports Hub] 

Arizona Cardinals quarterback / baby-daddy / man-whore to the stars Matt Leinart made news when he fired uber-agency CAA for undisclosed reasons last week.  This week, SPORTSbyBROOKS un-undiscloses those reasons: 

SbB has recently learned that… the main reason Leinart rejected the representation superpower is he was enraged that Peyton Manning, also a CAA client and repped by [Tom] Condon, got to host "Saturday Night Live" before he did. Seriously.

Brooks doesn't come close to hinting at what kind of source he has, so this hilarious tidbit of news will have to stay filed under "Internet rumor," but I, for one, believe it.  Not because it's believable — it sounds entirely too ridiculous — but because Brooks not only has a rep for getting the inside track on stories, but also because he's out in LA, doin' what he do, and people out there have notoriously loose lips.  So, at the very least, this is a real-world rumor, and not merely an Internet one.

Regardless, I don't understand why he'd be angry.  If he wants to be on a show no one watches, I'm sure the Blog Show will have him as a guest.

The NFL FanHaus picked up on some decent Matt Leinart gossip: not only did the Cards' QB of the future make out with Alyssa Milano, but now he's been spotted at a Marc Anthony-J.Lo concert with future With Leather basement prisoner respected girlfriend Scarlett Johansson:

"Even though they arrived together, they dodged all the photo opportunities," an eyewitness tells Star… Scarlett and Matt looked very flirty and very happy together – although it did seem as if Matt was slightly more into Scarlett."

Now see, this is where gossip becomes a huge pain in the ass. Holy fuck, two attractive people were spotted TALKING! That means they definitely had sex! Now, because it ran as a gossip item, we're going to have to deal with future ledes like this: "Johansson, previously linked to Matt Leinart…" It's such bullshit. Like, if I had sex with every attractive woman I spoke to — wait. I guess that's a bad example.

What's the lesson here? There is no vaguely sports-related gossip item I won't run with if it gives me a chance to publish a Scarlett picture. Her breasts are made from ambrosia, freshly spun silk, and heavy cream. It's true. I read it somewhere.