Here’s a teaser video of me judging the Air Sex competition at Fantastic Fest in Austin over the weekend. Yeah, I looked that awkward and squeamish pretty much the entire time. What you don’t see: me almost getting pegged in the head with a chunk of thrown marshmallow that’d been in a lady’s mouth. If there’s an Air Sex Championship anywhere near you, go see it, whether I’m there or not. Preferably when I’m not there.

Shout out to my dear friend Megan Simon for sitting next to me at the judges table and making me look like absolute garbage. She should have a billion Twitter followers.

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(note: This image of Air Sex World Championships host and future pro wrestling manager of the decade Chris Trew hyping up the crowd is the most safe-for-life image I could use from this year’s event. If I put up most of the images in this gallery on the main page we’d lose our sponsors and I’d have to get paid with the Mr. Skin Minute. Not a world I want to live in.)

In case you haven’t been closely following the sport of competitive imaginary f**king, the Air Sex competition you may remember from last year has become a national sensation, with competitions popping up in Los Angeles, Chicago, and alongside acts like Donald Glover and Captured! By Robots during Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, Texas. The Funfest competition (which featured a guy pantomime-humping to the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers theme song) was such a hit that Air Sex’s “Wrestlemania”, the Air Sex World Championships, came to Austin last weekend. Pretended to come to Austin. You get what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, your perspectives on sex and humanity won’t be complete until you’ve flipped through some pictures of the event. All pics in this gallery are courtesy of Slightly Removed Photography (because how close do you want to get, honestly) and if you’d like to see more, or find out where naked fat guys and the occasional lady will be pretending to blow each other in your area, check out AirSexWorld.com.

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You guys asked for it in the comments yesterday, and today you’ve got it: Our very own Voltron comprised of five of the NFL’s most inconsistent signal-callers from Week 14; if they all put their heads together, I suppose they could comprise one competent QB. And if it wasn’t obvious, this is

Just to be clear, this is “Lion Voltron,” and not “Vehicle Voltron,” which I don’t really consider a real Voltron anyway. Cars for feet? Really? And don’t even get me started on Gladiator Voltron. Any one of the GoBots could whip his ass. Anyway, let’s meet our contestants, and then afterward, tell us who we missed (and who you would swap out) in the comments.

Kyle Orton, Denver Broncos. Statistically, Orton had been pretty sharp on the year in terms of production, but really wet the bed in his last two starts. You know you suck when they’re talking about benching you and starting Tim Tebow.

Matt Flynn, Green Bay Packers. This really isn’t his fault; he was probably catching up on old strips of “Marmaduke” when Aaron Rodgers got his second concussion of the season Sunday. He threw a pick and he lost to the Lions. That could have happened to anybody!

This video of a dancing old woman at a tailgate from the Southern Cal-UCLA game last Saturday has been making the rounds, but I didn’t see it before today. The alleged grandmother, clad head-to-toe in cardinal and gold, somehow doesn’t throw out her back while she gets grinded on by what I can only assume is an incognito Raiders fan. Hope you brought extra K-Y, my man. She’ll probably shoot dust out of whatever two holes you don’t pick. At least you can forget about the condoms. Her reproductive system is just like her income–they’re both fixed.

Enjoy the video after the jump. Quickly, before she dies.

Everything’s bigger in Texas, including the restroom stalls, which apparently double as motel rooms if you can’t wait to get home. Sometimes people just want to get in a quick game of “Hide The General,” and these things are going to happen. This obviously didn’t happen in the “Standing Room Only” section of the stadium. Is it bad that the only thing that offends me about this is the Michael Irvin jersey? via.

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UPDATE: WL Reader Richie found what looks like Theresa White’s MySpace page, who had this status message: “Theresa is MIA [until] further notice. Sorry to anyone I have disappointed…I really am sorry.” I’m not totally sold; the picture doesn’t look like the one at NOTW. Still, great find, Richie.

The typically-reliable New York Post is reporting that Controversial swimming champ Michael Phelps was involved in a romp with a couple of strippers over the weekend. (the capital C is more for being “corporate controversial,” not actually controversial). I guess he looked hungry and they offered to make him a sandwich:

“The sex lasted for about three hours,” Baltimore stripper Theresa White told Britain’s News of the World (NSFW). “Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!” [That quote couldn't have been any campier if it was read in the middle of an Old Navy commercial --Ed.]

White, 25, claims Phelps invited her and some of her lap-dancing pals to his apartment, and that’s where the action allegedly took a kinky turn after two hours of drinking. White said she approached Phelps for a three-way: “He told me he’d never had one before but said it would be with me and then pointed at another girl.

Good for him. This just illustrates the kind of champion he is, although I hope he wasn’t charged at an hourly rate. Oh, come on, you think these girls did him for free?! There’s no shame in paying for sex…unless it’s with a stripper from Baltimore. Bargain bin ass doesn’t impress anyone.