We haven’t really discussed Flash games since we found out about Old Spice’s “Dikembe Mutombo’s 4.5 Weeks to Save the World”, which was far and away the best game that you could waste time at work with in 2012. But flash games are my dirty little secret, so when a new, fun game pops up on the radar, I’m usually gonna throw a few minutes at it to see what the fuss is all about, because I’m a child who refuses to grow up. This week’s buzzworthy game is fittingly sports-related, as you can tell from the title of this post, and it’s called “Winnie the Pooh Home Run Derby”. Hehe, Pooh.

So what’s the big deal about some paint-by-numbers kid’s game? I mean, it’s no Pinch Hitter 2, right? Apparently, this game was discovered by a random 4chan user and then picked up by another Reddit user, and suddenly Winnie’s Derby became the hardest game on the Internet. Just ask the Reddit users in this thread.

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Back when I was in college, I used to go to the campus police bicycle auction each semester, partly because I thought it was really f*cked up that they just took random bikes that belonged to random people who may have vanished from the face of the Earth for all we know, and partly because I needed a bike. But the problem was that these bikes were all really ugly and I was poor, so I never wasted my $5 on any of them, and I just walked everywhere like Caine from Kung Fu.

I never actually wondered if those bikes were ever purchased or what eventually became of them, but for the sake of this post making sense – cycling is also a sport – I lost many nights of sleep over the years wondering if those bikes ever found homes. And now, I’m hoping that they were purchased by Israeli artist Nirit Levav, who originally focused her creativity on fashion design but eventually chose to sculpt from raw materials.

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Last year, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun tested positive for an abnormally high level of testosterone and he was subsequently suspended for 50 games under Major League Baseball’s strict PED policies. But then a funny thing happened along the way to the laboratory – Braun’s urine samples were mishandled, rendering the league’s entire case against him moot on a technicality, and Braun’s suspension was lifted. The system that commissioner Bud Selig has relied on heavily to bandage the deep wounds of public perception caused by decades of drug abuse and league indifference had been defeated.

We’ll never know whether or not Braun was actually guilty of using PEDs, because if he did, then he’d presumably be wise enough to never use them again; if he didn’t, then obviously he wouldn’t suddenly start using them. But sports fans don’t operate under the same “innocent until proven guilty” mentality that supposedly serves as the core of the American justice system. Brewers fans continue to stand behind their star slugger, while non-Brewers fans will always label Braun a juicer.

And yes, there is no point in this recap of Braun’s tainted 2012, other than I really wanted to post this “Nice Jewish Guys” calendar and Braun’s the first guy I think of when someone mentions Jewish athletes. It used to be Robbie Gould, but it turns out that he’s not Jewish. I lost so many good jokes because of that revelation.

While it’s no Sexy Football Managers, and certainly not a Kelly Brook celebration of cleavage, “Nice Jewish Guys” is one of the more enjoyable novelty calendars you’ll see this week. At least your mother will like it.

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If you guessed “the part where she wears a peacoat and walks through a garden with a cane,” what’re you, new?

In today’s best possible video, German Vogue presents “It Had To Be You,” a short film about the things we’d do on our perfect, fantasy day with Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model Kate Upton — looking at her, awkwardly trying to take pictures of her, falling over like an idiot while she rides horses, and horsin’ around with our bros while she floats around and has fun by herself on the other side of a pool. It’s like they went into my brain and stole my best case scenario! Get out of my head, Kate Upton German Vogue video!

Special note: This is totally sports-related, as it features horseback riding, swimming, and … uh, hay-lying? It also features her topless and getting sprayed in mouth with water, so shut up and let us write about it.

Not-at-all sexual-as-f**k-on-purpose imagery is below, in handy Vimeo and YouTube versions.

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Welp, now I know what I want for Christmas. A remote controlled car that is also a F**KING TRANSFORMER FOR REAL? When I was five, this is what I imagined future kids would play with. I’d say “take my money” if I thought I had enough to cover it. (via The Daily What)

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Links

15 Badass Aldo Raine GIFs To Remind You That Brad Pitt Is Pretty Good At Playing A Badass |UPROXX|

Aaron Paul Is Really Excited About The Final Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ |Warming Glow|

A Brilliant Letter from Bruce Lee in Honor of His Birthday |Film Drunk|

Meet Con Bro Chill, Lacrosse’s ‘Personality Of The Year’ And The King Of All Bros |With Leather|

Don Cheadle Returns As A Psychotic Captain Planet, And Trees Are Still His Jam |Gamma Squad|

Built For The Streets: 10 Classic Black And White Videos From The ’90s |Smoking Section|

Some Cowboys Fans Want Obama To Forcibly Remove Jerry Jones |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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♫ "You don't knooooow, OH OH!" ♫

Girls on the Internet have had a tough August.

Earlier this month, UK tabloid The Sun reportedly showed Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton a photo of teen boy-band sensation One Direction and asked her to pick out which member she thought was the cutest. If you’re unfamiliar with the group (or their hits “One Thing” and “What Makes You Beautiful”), they’re five teenagers with attitude formed a la the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on the seventh season of the British version of ‘The X Factor’. Imagine the Spice Girls if they were boys, and all five of them were Baby Spice. Kate apparently pointed out band member Harry Styles, which instantly caused rumors that she had a crush on him and planned to hook up with him at the MTV Video Music Awards. I don’t know.

Anyway, the rumors were squashed, but with the VMAs only a week away (they air on September 6), radio hosts like Ryan Seacrest are bringing them up again. If you felt a rumbling yesterday afternoon, don’t be alarmed — it was only One Direction’s six-million-plus Twitter followers FREAKING THE F**K OUT because their confrontational sexual armageddon is nigh. One Direction Kate Upton rumors are their horsemen.

It’s a nice mixture of girls pretending they’ve never heard of Kate Upton, girls feeling shamed and insignificant because America’s closest living equivalent to Jessica Rabbit is competing for the same guy as them, a metric ton of name-calling and good old fashioned death threats. I’ve compiled a few of my favorites, and I hope you enjoy them. Well, “enjoy” is probably the wrong word.

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