"I will take two blumpkins, please."

Hey, remember Greg Raymer, the every guy, average Joe who, along with Chris Moneymaker the year before, came out of nowhere to win the 2004 World Series Poker Main Event and helped push the classic card game to new heights of global popularity? He had a pretty sh*tty weekend.

World Series of Poker champ Greg Raymer — aka the FossilMan — has been busted for trying to bury his bone … after allegedly soliciting a prostitute online.

HEYOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nobody zings ‘em like the TMZ gang. Anyway, what else?

A rep for the Wake Forest PD in North Carolina says Raymer was popped at a Wake Forest hotel on Wednesday.

Police say the 48-year-old poker legend was one of six men who responded to an advertisement posted by an undercover cop on a website frequented by prostitutes. The men have since been released on $1,000 bond.

This is pretty disappointing, as Raymer was a hero to frat boys and college dorm room recluses who fancied websites like Bodog, Full Tilt and that other one that I used to play on but can’t remember the name anymore as new sources of quick income and fame, since everyone with a high speed Internet connection once thought, “Hell, if Moneymaker and that fat bastard can win a million bucks playing poker, then so can I.”

Sadly, it turns out that it was probably much easier to just recreate this point in his career than any other. Or maybe playing like a “donk” and pissing off Mike Matusow, but then that’s probably the easiest thing anyone could do.

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When I first heard about this story, I was mad. The two things that make me maddest are (1) people who are dicks to animals, and (2) finally getting to write a FLORIDA OR OHIO story and finding out it happened in neither.

I can only feel so badly about this one, however, because it is the comedy gift that keeps on givin’. Meet Gary Wayne Ericcson, the 46-year old North Carolina man who mourned the death of his beloved pet snake by shooting it, then went to jail for animal cruelty because he couldn’t reasonably explain why he’d want to shoot up a dead snake. His rationale is almost poetically southern:

But Ericcson says the snake, which he said was named Anonymous, had died before the shooting.

“I couldn’t bury him or the other animals would get him,” Ericcson told NBC Charlotte, the Observer’s news partner. “I had to shoot it to get the gas out of him, then I was going to burn him.”

Ericcson said the snake was his pet for about 17 years. “I’ve had that snake since he was so small he could just wrap around your wrist,” he said. “Me and my wife can’t have kids, so the animals are our kids.” (via Charlotte Observer)

If a man naming his child-pet “Anonymous” (to keep it off the grid, I guess?) and debating whether to shoot it with love or burn it with love to keep other animals from “getting him” doesn’t make you laugh, perhaps this aside from the end of the report will. Ericcson was so mad that after he shot the snake, he turned the gun ON HIS NASCAR MEMORABILIA CABINET. Because America!

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