Q: How do you replace Ozzie Guillen as the manager of the Chicago White Sox?
A: With Terry Francona, Davey Martinez, Sandy Alomar, Tom Nieto (cough) or any number of proven managerial commodities available for the 2012 season.

Or, if you’d prefer, the actual answer: with a former player who has never coached and doesn’t really want to. Robin Ventura, the two-time All-Star and six-time Gold Glove winner most famous for that time in ’93 when he charged the mound on a 46-year old man and got headlocked and punched in the top of the head like a comical bitch, will be taking over as Sox skipper. Oh man, next year’s series against Texas is going to be awkward.

From The Beacon News, guys who live there and still can’t believe this is happening:

“I realize that he wasn’t on anyone’s list out there,’’ [General Manager Kenny] Williams said on a conference call Thursday. “We caught many of you by surprise.”

Considering Ventura has no experience as a manager, “many of you” is the understatement of the year. That lists includes Ventura himself, who said he didn’t set out to be a manager when the Sox hired him in June to be an assistant to [scouting director Buddy] Bell. When things unraveled to the end with Ozzie Guillen and his impending jump to Miami, Williams heightened his interest in Ventura — whose thoughts about being in the dugout never extended beyond a coaching or instructional situation.

I guess Williams and Ventura are interested in making sure every White Sox fan learns what it feels like to be emasculated by noogie. I’d like to say “we’ll have more on this as the story develops”, but I think this is it. Ah well, if Robin has a Twitter account and makes sure to compliment the Twins every few weeks it’ll be business as usual in Chicago. Depressing, depressing business as usual.

Nomar Mazara: top row, third from the right, I think.

The Texas Rangers, who made it to the World Series last season after spending years under the iron fist of a moron owner before being purchased by Nolan Ryan and other guys who don’t matter, are currently tied for first in the American League West with the Anaheim Angels of Anaheim, California-Los Angeles Berkeley South Angels, but they’re already thinking ahead to the future. Far ahead, actually. On Saturday, the Rangers signed 16-year old Dominican Republic prospect Nomar Mazara and gave him a record $5 million signing bonus. Hooray Capitalism!

“It’s fair to say we planned to be active in the international amateur market this year, consistent with our goal of adding the best talent possible in all arenas,” [Rangers GM Jon] Daniels said. “Our scouts have put in a lot of work to put us in position to do just that, and ownership continues to support us. Can’t say enough about both groups’ commitment to seeing us win.” (ESPN)

Of course we can joke about the Rangers showing a commitment to winning by signing a 16-year old kid who probably won’t be ready for at least 5 years, but Mazara is supposedly 6-foot-5 and mashes the ball from the left side of the plate. So if my Dominican-to-American Age Calculator app on my iPad is correct, he’s actually 51.

The Oakland Athletics signed Dominican pitcher Michael Ynoa with a then-record $4.25 million bonus in 2008, and the 19-year old phenom is currently recovering from Tommy John surgery that he required after throwing nine whole innings in the Arizona League. But I’m sure that Mazara will be fine.

The best part of watching Dirk Nowitzki throw out the first pitch at a Texas Rangers (via this video, courtesy of The Last Angry Fan) game isn’t his massive jorts that could house a family of five or his general gangliness, but the idea that Nowitzki cannot comprehend balls that travel in a straight line. A bounce pass goes down, then up. A shot goes up, then down. In Dirk’s case, extremely high up, then down. A baseball is supposed to go from your hand to the catcher’s glove in a point A to point B exchange. Dirk’s brain can’t process that, and he just throws it at the sky.

But hey, it wasn’t that bad (when you compare it to John Wall or Mariah Carey, at least) and Dirk could’ve thrown the ball at Nolan Ryan’s junk and gotten a standing ovation from any group of 10 or more in Texas. The Rangers went on to defeat LeBron James and the New York Mets 105-95.

(The pitching was really, really bad.)

The least important part of this follow-up is that the Texas Rangers officially set a Guinness World Record on Tuesday by handing out glasses and organizing the “most people wearing sunglasses … in the dark”. The most important part, at least to me, is the realization that Guinness World Records have to be verified by an official, but the actual number of the thing doesn’t matter, it just has to beat the old one.

They only needed 424 to beat the previous record, so representatives from Guinness counted only sections 314 and 315. Despite that, most of the 33,533 in attendance wore the blue or red shades, which were provided by Reliant Energy.

“I’m pleased to say that 424 people participated in this attempt,” said Danny Girton Jr., senior corporate communications manager for Guinness. “There were a further unconfirmed 30,000 who helped Reliant Energy in this attempt.”

What the Hell? Maybe the old record of 423 had 80,000 people wearing sunglasses, but only had to beat the older old record of 422. How am I supposed to take your recording of who is and isn’t wearing sunglasses in the dark seriously with this kind of lazy verification? Selective, revisionist history blows. Cindy and Bobby Brady were shooting for a teeter-totter record cloaked in lies.

I take it back, though, I think the most important part of this story is that picture of George W. Bush and Nolan Ryan (and Nolan Ryan’s hilarious, chickensh:t wife) chilling out at the ballgame, rocking novelty sunglasses. That would be the most fun way to spend a baseball game ever. Read more and watch a video of people wearing sunglasses here.

VIDEO: Foul ball lands near President Bush: MyFoxORLANDO.com

I’m terrible at political humor. Here’s a video of President George W. Bush almost getting hit in the face with a foul ball. It missed him, but Bush swiftly combatted the threat by sending tens of thousands of soldiers into the Rangers Ballpark, where they will remain for the next ten years. That’s pretty good. Now for the Conservative joke! Here’s a video of President George W. Bush almost getting hit in the face with a foul ball. A ball also got hit toward Barack Obama, but he couldn’t decide whether or not to let it hit him. And now, a ragtime parody song!

The best part of the video has got to be Nolan Ryan’s wife freaking the hell out and covering her head in terror as though she’s never seen a baseball in her life. The Bushes react like most people would, a mix of “oh cool a ball is coming toward us” and “oh sh** a ball is coming toward us.” Nolan just calmly tries to catch it. Is there any way we could convince Nolan Ryan to be our President? I don’t care if he has a chain of beef restaurants, I’d trust him with my life.

[H/T Sportress]

In what may be the best story of the year for baseball purists and people who hate Mark Cuban, Nolan Ryan is now the owner of the Texas Rangers. After a long, arduous and embarrassing process, the ownership team of Pittsburgh attorney Chuck Greenberg and the Hall-of-Famer Ryan outbid Cuban and his partner Jim Crane to secure ownership of the Rangers after former owner Tom Hicks famously sank the team into bankruptcy. Hicks has been living in exile since he did, in fact, mess with Texas.

Initially, creditors had asked the court to hold off on yesterday’s auction, because they believed that Ryan’s team was being unfairly favored over other potential bidders. That’s when Cuban stepped in and gained MLB approval to bid. The auction lasted into the early hours this morning, when Cuban finally surrendered to a $385 million cash bid. Despite alleged bickering throughout the auction, Cuban shook Ryan’s hand and ended the auction. Of course, he probably had a booger on his palm.

Tell us where and when the stars are big and bright, USA Today:

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