The Nolan Ryan Robin Venture Fight, Now In 8-Bits

Written by Brandon Stroud / 12.06.12

I think I speak for everyone when I say Nolan Ryan headlocking Robin Ventura and bashing him in the skull like a boss is the greatest moment in baseball history. Okay, maybe not the best, but the list goes “Jackie Robinson,” “Kirk Gibson’s gimpy home run,” then Nolan Ryan emasculating Ventura.

If you are on the Internet, you do not need me to tell you that Reddit is a place full of wonderful things, but today there is nothing more wonderful than said Nolan Ryan/Robin Ventura railroading as interpreted by the 1987 video game classic R.B.I. Baseball.

It’s two beautiful artistic endeavors brought together as one:

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Skill Is Hereditary: Reid Ryan Does The Worm

Written by Brandon Stroud / 02.09.12

From the official Round Rock Express Facebook page:

Have you seen Express Founder and CEO, Reid Ryan, busting out ‘The Worm’ at a Father-Daughter dance off? He’s got some serious moves…

nolan-ryan-reid-ryan-wormI hadn’t, but I’m glad I did.

You may remember Reid Ryan as a 17th-round draft pick for the Texas Rangers (477th overall!) or as the son of legendary Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan, who will probably never be videotaped breakdancing. The Ryans run the Rangers AAA-affiliate Express here in central Texas, and having gone to a bunch of games I can say we’re lucky this video didn’t involve more t-shirt cannons and dogs dressed as train conductors.

Hell, I’d like to see someone from the San Antonio Missions try to pop and lock like that.

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Albert Pujols Murders Rangers Pitching With A Gun In Latest Taiwanese Animation

Written by Brandon Stroud / 12.09.11

Albert Pujols C.J. Wilson Taiwanese AnimationIn case you ever wanted to see Albert Pujols pull out a pistol and shoot somebody in the face, here’s Next Media Animation’s latest encapsulation of current events. If gun violence isn’t your bag, there’s also a moment where Angels owner Arte Moreno cuts a pizza with a chainsaw and tries to eat it with his face.

My favorite part is Taiwan’s super accurate portrayal of Texas — as a resident of central Texas myself, I can verify that we train our baseball teams by putting on Texas flag-themed clothing, dragging them out to the desert and whipping them while an Asian child does sabermetrics on a calculator. Put the kid in a long sleeve Longhorns shirt and you’re 100%.

Second best part: a Taiwanese lady trying to say “Wilson”. I don’t want to sound prejudiced or anything, but holy sh*t.

[via NMA World Edition]

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The Fabric Of Our Lives: Zooey Deschanel’s Star-Spangled Banner

Written by Brandon Stroud / 10.24.11

zooey-deschanel-world-seriesHere’s another reason why you shouldn’t have turned on Zooey Deschanel for being “quirky” — she can sing the Star-Spangled Banner without putting her finger in her ear and trying to break it down.

Last week we shared with you the news that the star of FOX’s ‘New Girl’ and YouTube’s The Zooey Deschanel Show (not really) would be singing Our National Anthem before Game 4 of the World Series, and because I love baseball and All The Real Girls and have an “EXCUSES TO POST PICTURES OF HOT CHICKS” tag, here she is. Her performance is so straight-forward, in fact, that the video leaves me with only two questions:

1. When people make the shape of the country out of the flag like that, why don’t they ever try to include Alaska and Hawaii? and
2. Is George W. Bush the only President we’ve ever had who says he likes baseball and actually does? [Terse Political Comment here] but at least he can throw a baseball without looking like a complete liar.

Part of me wishes Zooey had Zooey’d up the anthem and had a hand-clapping children’s chorus in the background, or M. Ward milling around somewhere behind her holding a guitar three sizes too big for him. And if you’d prefer a less indie joke, FOX has lined up Damon Wayans Jr. to sing the anthem for Game 5, and another guy to take over for him two lines in.

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Don’t Worry, This World Series Will Be Good

Written by Ashley Burns / 10.17.11

Because I couldn't not use this image.

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as more intelligent, sophisticated, and gritty than other baseball fans. That’s why I can brush the dirt off my shoulders when it comes to the national sports media crapping all over the Redbirds over the past month. The Cardinals are heading to their third World Series in 8 years, but you should all know that they don’t deserve it and their pitching stinks.

Quick recap: In late August, the Cardinals were 10.5 games back in the Wild Card race. At one point, they were also 11 games back of the Milwaukee Brewers. But none of that mattered because the Boston Red Sox were in a bizarre tailspin, allowing the Tampa Bay Rays to climb back into contention, and nobody really cared that the Atlanta Braves and Cardinals were in the same boat because screw their middle market butts.

Regardless, we don’t need to recap too much, but you know what happened next and today I am a very happy boy. Too bad my youthful exuberance isn’t shared by the mainstream fellas, as one poopy pants thinks the Cardinals don’t belong on the main stage this week.

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Texas, And The Saddest Rain Delay In History

Written by Brandon Stroud / 10.10.11

texas-rangers-rain

Major League Baseball missed out on a marquee Justin Verlander/C.C. Sabathia pitching match-up in game one of the ALDS because of a botched weather forecast, then suffered through two rain delays in the fifth inning of Saturday night’s ALCS game one in Texas. Commissioner Bud Selig and team representatives went into discussions about Sunday night’s ominous forecast and, not taking into consideration that it has rained exactly one time in Texas since 1985 and that was Saturday, postponed the game about five hours before the first pitch.

Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan, a guy who I’m sure has kept cattle from herding off a cliffside during a thunderstorm at least once in his life, explains the call:

“With the forecast that we had … we didn’t want to experience what we did last night; and with the forecast for this evening, it appears that it’s going to be duplication of what we saw last night,” Rangers president Nolan Ryan said. “I think the one thing we’re concerned about is the integrity of the game and not [putting] either team in a situation where possibly the elements could affect the outcome of the game.”

By the time the game had been scheduled to start, the weatherman was calling for a “mostly cloudy” night with a 10% chance of rain. No rain had fallen for three hours, and there was no rain in the area an hour later. The grounds crew left a sad, dry tarp on the diamond as the reality sank in — Major League Baseball had just postponed a playoff game because it might have rained. At no point did Justin Verlander speak up and explain that God was just trying to tell him to knock it off.

I’m sure there was a lot going on behind the scenes. I’m sure the MLB didn’t want to inconvenience FOX Primetime by making them play old episodes of This Week In Baseball or re-runs of The Fresh Prince like TBS does when it rains too much, and sure, when you’re playing a string of important games you don’t want your guys trudging through mud and soggy grass. At the same time, one of the enduring images of sports is warriors battling the elements, powering through snow and torrential rain to prove their might, and what does it say about modern day baseball when dark clouds make two entire teams and a league go “welp, pack it in, too dangerous”?

Anyway, take a look at a few shots from the non-event, and compare/contrast them to Hurricane Katrina pictures at your leisure.

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