WWE’s Royal Rumble 2013 goes down on January 27, and I think I speak for everyone when I say the best part of a Royal Rumble match is when they herd a wrestler in front of a green screen and tell him to explain off the top of his head why he’s gonna win. Very few things make a wrestling fan feel like a kid again like Hulk Hogan pointing with an open palm and yelling about vitamins in front of a horrible yellow background reading HULK HOGAN.
To prepare for the Rumble, I’ll be putting up a retro Best And Worst report (or two), but step one is the celebration of these promo montages. When the mid-90s hit they went the way of the dodo, but I’ve put together a gallery of some of the best from 89-96. If you only watch one thing, watch the video where swank 1995 Pamela Anderson gets weird voicemail messages from Doink the Clown about how he’s gonna nail her when he wins the Royal Rumble. Hell, even if you don’t like wrestling, watch that one.
Enjoy. If I missed one of your favorites, be sure to post it in our comments section below.
Swing your arms from side to side, come on, it’s time to go, do the Marion!
The Dallas Mavericks have gotten really into uploading wacky videos to their YouTube channel, and Super Marion Bros. (starring Shawn Marion as … well, you figured it out) is the best one yet. It makes me want to register BasketballGameFAQS.com. It also makes me wonder what Shawn Warion looks like. (via The NBA Mistress)
I’ve never been good at recognizing basketball penalties. I know the rules of the game, but I’m almost always wrong. LeBron James gets a pass at half court, tucks the ball under his arm and f**king Frankenstein walks 40 feet into a dunk and my brain goes HEY WAIT A SECOND, but nope, the person next to me helpfully explains that they “get two steps!” I’m never right. Also, LeBron James has never carried or traveled.
Amir Johnson has made me feel a little better about my eye-to-brain malfunctions with probably the worst violation I’ve ever seen a professional player get away with. It’s not even debatable. He dribbles the ball, stops, then just dribbles again and takes his shot. You can’t even get mad at it. Everyone who saw it just stood around laughing afterward, because holy shit there were three referees watching him do it.
Video vindication of my terrible basketball-watching abilities is after the jump.
Adidas posted a video to YouTube this morning to debut their new alternate uniforms for the Nebraska Cornhuskers, a bright red number with decorative knee-socks, those stupid gloves that make a pattern when you hold your palms out that everyone loves and nobody will wear in five years, and a gigantic black “N” on the front. They look nice, aside from a few places (like College Football Section) making all the appropriate “LOL, you look like the Kool-Aid Man” jokes.
As a nerd born in the 1980s, my first thought wasn’t the Kool-Aid Man, and I’m relieved to say I’m not the only one who thought this: Nebraska’s new uniforms make them look exactly like Kevin from ‘Captain N: The Game Master’. See?
I don’t know if Ray William Johnson invented that YouTube “edit 3 times in the same sentence so I jump around the screen” thing, but I’m blaming it for him anyway. This video would’ve benefitted from a little “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”. [via Sportress]
What Was In LeBron’s Tiny Purse? - I hope it was a spy kit. I hate LeBron as much as the next guy, but I need to let somebody else write about “Pursegate”. [Smoking Section]
5 Movies Us Nerds Painfully Underrate - “Us nerds” reminds me of when Zack Morris said “us kids” don’t want oil drilling at bayside. Anyway, I really must be a nerd, because I think all 5 of these blow. [Gamma Squad]
A Comprehensive Guide To Amber Tamblyn’s Next Level Email Prank On Tyrese Gibson - She showed him a bunch of screenplays, then said ‘Joan of Arcadia’ was a thing that got produced and put on TV for two seasons. [UPROXX]
The Smiths + Nintendo’s ‘Super Mario Brothers’ = ‘Super Morrissey Bros.’ - Adding Morrissey to anything makes it better. You could add Morrissey to an Enzyte commercial and it’d instantly be the greatest thing on television. [UPROXX]
LEGO May Have Spoiled The Villains In The Avengers - This isn’t really a spoiler, but if Namor OR Fin Fang Foom show up in this movie I’m going to lose my mind. I’m not too old to mark out for Fin Fang Foom. [Film Drunk]
Megan Fox Isn’t Allowed to Watch ‘Beverly Hills 90210′ - Now she’ll never know whether or not Donna Martin Graduates. Pretty cool idea to marry someone who won’t “allow” you to do things, Megan! [Warming Glow]
Women Flirting With Urkel Over Twitter - Don’t get excited, it’s just Myra with multiple accounts. [Buzzfeed]
Classic Movies Subtitled For Bros - I want a version of The Fountain where it spends 5 minutes with “Finish it, bro” at the bottom. [HuffPost Comedy]
‘The Artist’ Star Uggie the Dog is the New Nintendo Spokesdog - Better than Reggie. Nintendo should make a dog you can control by waving at it. [The FW]
The Greatest Fictional TV Couple That Will Never Ever Exist | The 2011 Fun Oscars - If this isn’t a link to the fictional hookup of Annie Edison and Trudy Campbell, I’m not interested. [Pajiba]
Three Kinds of Movie/TV Characters Who Actually Need Smartphones - To the credit of the people on Breaking Bad, they live in New Mexico. Going to West Texas is what they consider a “promotion”. Of course they don’t have real phones. [Unreality]
Someone Racked Up a Hefty $323,000 Bar Tab at a Liverpool Nightclub - 42 Pussy @ 3.00. Sounds like the waitstaff at my old Olive Garden. [Brobible]