Out of context, that’s the most “Yahoo Serious Festival” headline I’ve ever written.

In context, it makes a little more sense. Yesterday, Danger Guerrero wrote a piece for Warming Glow about how a terrifying promotional foam likeness of ‘Veep’ star Julia Louis-Dreyfus had been spotted walking around in Washington. If you love baseball, your first thought upon seeing the creature was, “oh, that looks like a Geico Racing President.” Sure enough, here’s mascot Selina Meyer hanging out with local footrace legend and former President Of The United States Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy was the George Costanza of the Presidents for the longest time, so this image may have hypercontext.

Yes, that’s right, the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character from that HBO show — or a presidentialized version of her, anyhow — will partner with Teddy against the team of Abe and Taft in a presidential relay race at Nats Park Tuesday night, in advance of Sunday’s 10 p.m. season two premier. She/it will also be in the center-field plaza before the game, and will be involved in several in-game promotions. (via Washington Post)

So rest easy, Danger. Now the only thing you have to worry about is that terrible, skinny William Howard Taft they came up with.

A free idea for everyone involved in this promotion’s creation: a Racing Presidents version of Ned Stark that almost wins the race, but trips up and loses his head.

WARNING: This clip may or may not be of a fatal accident. A commenter on Reddit referred to it as such, but that comment hasn’t been verified, and really all the video shows is the impending terror at the end of a really, really bad idea. It could be an AT&T commercial, because The Internet. So, viewer discretion, just in case.

If you’ve never gone Zorbing, it’s basically getting inside of a giant hamster ball and having people roll you downhill. It’s like the extreme sports equivalent of Beavis and Butthead rolling around in a junkyard tire. It’s harmless, too … unless you’re Zorbing just to the right of a f**king mountain cliffside. That, I guess, is Russian Zorbing.

As you can see, the idea is to roll from point A to point B while your friends tape it and chuckle. Something goes wrong at the bottom, and the guy in the Zorb keeps drifting left, and PLUMMETS DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. I wouldn’t post this if it was a clear-cut video of somebody dying, but: a) if your friend died and you taped it, why would you upload it to YouTube? And b) there’s a pretty dramatic cut between when he initially rolls the wrong way, and when the camera “catches up” and sees him bouncing down.

So who knows? Right now my call is “exaggerated YouTube thing” with nightmare rights reserved. Just … try not to ever go Zorbing, okay?

[h/t to The Daily What]

Earlier this year, there was a considerable deal of buzz around New York Jets backup QB Tim Tebow inking an endorsement deal with the underwear company Jockey, because the world’s most famous virgin doesn’t exactly sound like the perfect candidate for rocking his bulge. But then the ads started flopping out of the fold – like the one above – and we realized that these were newer, more conservative Jockey ads and Tebow wouldn’t be packing heat in print. This naturally made women very angry.

But dried up lady parts aside, Tebow’s endorsement of Jockey is just another chapter in the company’s long, storied history of relationships with professional athletes. And you can even say that it’s a footnote in the grander marriage between what I am told are attractive male athletes and underwear companies in general. For instance, David Beckham has his deal with H&M and Cristiano Ronaldo captures your eyes with his beef pocket for Armani. The point is that athletes have long loved rocking their ding dongs to sell man panties.

And Jockey has done it better than anyone. Well, I guess “better” isn’t the best word. Jockey has done it more than anyone – that’s more accurate. Because the picture that slapped my eyes and teabagged my brain this morning does not qualify as “better”.

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The most appropriate picture ever.

When not wrestling for TNA, Hulk Hogan spends his days pulling a Jose Canseco and shamelessly retweeting fans who think he should be in The Expendables 3, because he is apparently such an awesome actor. And Hogan is simply so devoted to the craft that he even recently shot his own black and white independent film about a woman with absolutely no pride. That film, of course, is the much-talked-about Hulk Hogan sex tape released by Gawker last week.

According to E! News, Hogan plans to sue whoever is responsible for sending the video to the online tabloid, and it is being reported that the unknown female Hulkamaniac had no clue she was being filmed. However, because sex tapes are the easiest ways for women to become famous and washed up “celebrities” to get back in the spotlight, TMZ reminds us that a very lazily named porn website is offering Hogan quite the payday for his approval of the film’s release.

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Last year, we were introduced to Pauline Potter, the World’s Heaviest Living Woman according to the Guinness Book of World Records and despite what Susanne Eman might have to say about it. In retrospect, I wonder what Skinny Gossip would think about me using a picture of Kate Upton as the opposite of morbidly obese. It would probably melt her/his brain.

But I digest. It turns out that Potter, the woman who once claimed that she lives to overindulge and eat whatever she wants, is doing her best to lose weight. And it’s working. She has found a way to burn 500 calories more each day and she’s dropped from 643-lbs. to 545-lbs. So how exactly did Potter lose 98-lbs. that fast and effectively?

You must know where I’m going with this.

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Beware all ye who tread beyond this image.

There are some days that I look up at the sky and wonder if the world really is coming to an end, and today’s not just one of those days. I think it’s the day that we’ve finally received an answer. Susanne Eman, the World’s Fattest Woman, is getting married. And of course it’s to a chef, because her story just had to get dumber.

Last year, we introduced you to Eman, who hails from Phoenix and had the aspiration of doubling her weight from 800-pounds to 1,600-pounds or 4/5 of a f*cking ton. Sadly, we later learned that doctors stepped in and told her that if she continued this ridiculous quest, she’d die before she ever hit her goal. So she stopped, and it seemed like her fame did as well.

Guess again, skinny britches! Eman’s back and she’s finally found love in a colonoscopeless place, and she’s adding one more world record notch to her equator belt – the world’s largest wedding dress. Give me the quote of the year, Huffington Post!

“I like an off-whitish, not completely white. Because if I wear completely white, I guarantee I’m going to spill something on it,” Eman told Inside Edition.

Just how big is the world’s largest wedding dress? 45 FEET OF MATERIAL! Her waist is 9 feet! Responded a naked child in Africa, “That’s cool, I’m good.” Let’s just hope that Eman never discovers Kate Upton’s Fashion Bridal Lingerie collection. *shivers*

Eman has also decided that her health is meaningless, because she now wants to achieve the status of the fattest woman ever. That record currently belongs to Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006. I assume from natural causes.

I know what you’re wondering: “Does this classic American love story come with fries pictures?” You bet your ass. Maybe keep that Kate Upton link open just in case.

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