If you guessed “the biggest imaginary load ever shot by man, European cursing and a police ass escort”, congratulations! (via OTB)

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Links

Meme Watch: Drunk Dad Is Here To Embarrass And Entertain |UPROXX|

Watch Nicki Minaj Jiggle In Her New “Starships” Video |Smoking Section|

TRAILER: Judd Apatow’s ‘This is 40′ |Film Drunk|

Random Throwback Photo Of The Day: Sinbad Played College Basketball |With Leather|

Rejoice, Total Recall Will Have A Three-Boobed Hooker After All |Gamma Squad|

TV GIFs of the Week |Warming Glow|

Samuel L. Jackson’s ‘Other’ Siri Commercial Strikes A Quite Familiar Tone |UPROXX|

Australian Spoon-Playing Lady Spoons The Sh*t Out Of The Black Keys’ ‘Lonely Boy’ |UPROXX|

The 10 Companies Who Control (Almost) Everything We Buy |Smoking Section|

Twoooooo hot dogs, pleeeeeeeease…. |Film Drunk|

And 7 Innings Later, Everybody Died |With Leather|

Awesome Dude Builds CAT-AT For Friend’s Lucky Cats |Gamma Squad|

Will Ferrell to Host ‘SNL’ For a Third Time |Warming Glow|

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I don’t know, that shot to the twisty lighthouse looks fake. (Via The Sun)

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Links

The Best And Worst Of WWE WrestleMania XXVIII Live |With Leather|

‘Justified’ Q&A With Writers Jon Worley And VJ Boyd |Warming Glow|

Google Would Like To Introduce You To Project Glass, The Eyewear Of The Future |UPROXX|

A Jiggly Scarlett Johansson Highlighted In The First Clip From The Avengers |Gamma Squad|

A Brief History of Nic Cage Being Crazy |Film Drunk|

An Open Letter To Donald Glover… |Smoking Section|

‘I’m Here To Talk To You About The Avenger Initiative’: The Definitive Response GIF Collection |UPROXX|

Meme Watch: Dr. Grover Will See You Now |UPROXX|

The Miseducation Of Nicki Minaj |Smoking Section|

Ryan Gosling is saving chicks from traffic now |Film Drunk|

Bar Refaeli Makes Tennis And Life Awesome |With Leather|

This Sulu Photo Needs More Captions |Gamma Squad|

15 Banned Cartoons You’ll Never See on TV |Warming Glow|

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Despite what a bunch of pompous crybabies like myself predicted during the NBA lockout, a little forced time off eventually did nothing to hurt the sanctity of the league and the statuses and images of its stars. That has been clearly evident from the strong ratings, and it has been aided by unexpected blessings like Jeremy Lin popping up in the league’s favorite market. And as Sunday’s All-Star Game has come and gone, TNT had a ratings bonanza and David Stern cackled atop his throne of angel skulls.

Now we can go back to wondering what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard and Deron Williams. Will they end up together in New Jersey/Brooklyn? Dallas? Orlando? Turkey? A Whole Foods in Connecticut? A lube-soaked spooning embrace? Yes to all is my prediction, because that’s the easy choice and we have more important matters confronting us, like making fun of Chris Brown.

Because that’s the most important thing we can do today.

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Oh, sorry, the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover story is AFTER the Morning Links, this is a guy literally busting nuts. With his butt. Sorry for the confusion!

(via The FW)

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Links

The Best Of #Kenny Powers - “So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I’m not making that up.” [UPROXX]

One ‘Community’ Character Will Die: Let’s Place Odds - Can it please be Chang? There’s nothing Chang does the Dean can’t do better. [Warming Glow]

5 Reasons “Comic Book Men” Stinks - Reason number f**king one: we are not 18 anymore, and “tell ‘em Steve-Dave” just doesn’t have the same impact. [Gamma Squad]

Sports, Illustrated: In Celebration Of Alex Morgan’s Body Paint Bikini - Lots of swimsuits this week. Make sure you didn’t miss the one made out of paint. [With Leather]

Nicki Minaj Offended The World At The Grammys - or, “Nicki Minaj did something on purpose to make headlines because she isn’t good at music and people bought it, because people are dumb”. [Smoking Section]

Henry Rollins’ awesome letter to Chris Farley from 1995 - Sadly, not the same Chris Farley. “YOUR FILM BLACK SHEEP WAS MALICIOUS AND CAPRICIOUS.” [Film Drunk]

Inevitable ‘Who The F*ck Is Bon Iver?’ Reactions Vastly Improved By The Rise Of ‘Bonnie Bear’ & ‘Bony Bear’ - Dude should just change his band’s name to Bonnie Bear and be done with it. I’d listen to Bonnie Bear. [UPROXX]

NYU Girls’ Newt Gingrich Slumber Party - Nowhere near as awesome as Kent State’s Dennis Kucinich parties, where all the girls are 6-foot-3 vegan redheads. [Buzzfeed]

15 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes By Comedians - “Those flowers fer yer wife fer Valentine’s Day? NOPE, just thought I’d do a lil’ mid-February gardenin’! Here’s yer sign!” – Bill Engvall [HuffPost Comedy]

Jay Z’s ‘99 Problems’ Recreated with Film Clips - See, THIS is what the Internet is for. [Brobible]

Movies That Should Get The 3D Treatment - Not gonna lie, I would go see a 3-D re-release of Snow Dogs. Country Bears, too. [Adult Swim]

20 Favorite Rom-Com Actors Under 40 - I feel like you shouldn’t be a “rom-com actor”, you should just be an actor who has appeared in a romantic comedy. Once you get into Kate Hudson territory it’s time for retirement. [Moviefone]

8 Animal Misconceptions Rundown - Number 9: Dogs can’t look up. [High Definite]

via OTBS.

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Links

Rob Gronkowski and Matt Light Partied After Last Night’s Super Bowl Loss - I don’t know Gronk personally, but I assume “play football” and “party” are his only two speeds. This is how he expresses sadness. [Brobible]

M.I.A.’s Middle Finger: A Synthetic Scandal - Here’s an idea: if a “mere apology” isn’t enough to make the PTC happy, stop apologizing to the PTC. [Warming Glow]

Nicki Minaj Slowed Down = Jay-Z - The best part of the halftime show was watching Minaj bug her eyes out repeatedly and try so hard not to be the center of attention. [High Definite]

Eric Rosado Presents “Sh*t Knicks Fans Say” - I wanted to make a “Sh*t Indians Fans Say” so With Leather could get a little traffic, but “we didn’t sign anybody” and “Jason Kipnis is pretty good!” don’t make an entertaining video. [Smoking Section]

Clint Eastwood’s Super Bowl Comercial Contradicting His Political Beliefs? - What about that time he shot a guy with a gun in the old west? Would he shoot someone in real life? Has he ever even lived in the old west? [Moviefone]

Extended Version Of Avengers Super Bowl Trailer Is Here, Sort Of Reveals Who’s In Loki’s Army - I hope there’s a plot point explaining why they undid all the good of Captain America’s 1940s costume and gave him that Morphsuit looking number. [Gamma Squad]

The new Spider-Man looks like a giraffe, wears track shoes - And speaking of bad super hero looks, I hope Spidey can see the Lizard through those pools of urine on his face. [Film Drunk]

The Best Of #Step Brothers - I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home. [UPROXX]

Derpy Louisiana Congressman John Fleming Thinks The Onion Publishes Real News - This is Literally Unbelievable! I hope he never sees the story about the black neighborhood terrorized by an ask murderer. [UPROXX]

18 Jaw Dropping Photos Of Europe’s Deadly Winter - Click here for 23 jaw dropping photos from Bananarama’s Cruel Summer. [Buzzfeed]

SXSW Comedy Podcast Lineup Announced - Awesome, I can finally challenge the Sklar Brothers to a duel with swords. I don’t care, I’ll take them on at the same time, I bet they don’t even know how to use swords. [HuffPost Comedy]

15 of the World’s Weirdest Marriages, ‘I Now Pronounce You… What?!’ - I said “Chuck and Larry”. What, can you not hear me? [The FW]

Why Abed and Troy from Community are the Best Geeks on TV - The Big Bang Theory is the minstrel show of this generation. We need more shows about uncool people who actually exist. [Unreality]

I just tuned in to see what condition her condition was in.

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Links

Here’s Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Extravaganza, Featuring M.I.A. Flipping America Off - And now, the real one. I would’ve given anything for Kratos to show up and brutally murder everyone on stage. [UPROXX]

Memory Lane: Vintage Nike Ads - Somebody needs to make a loop of these with the Earl Woods DID YA LEARN ANYTHING speech over it. [Smoking Section]

Subway Graffiti Artists Turn Offensive ‘Mad Men’ Ads Into Awesome ‘Mad Men’ Ads - These are awesome, but I’d be happier if someone could turn an ad into a time machine and move us forward a couple of months so we could watch this goddamn show. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek: The Next Generation on Blu-ray Looks Way Better Than You Ever Thought a 25-Year-Old Syndicated TV Show Could - Now let’s get Deep Space Nine out on blu-ray so people who watch Star Trek can realize they’re stupid and that it is the best ever. [Gamma Squad]

Can’t A Guy Order A Big Black Dildo Online Without Getting All Kinds Of Pervy Junkmail? - I know, I ordered 3 Superbook DVDs like four years ago and have been getting HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS junkmail ever since. YES I HAVE HEARD IT. [UPROXX]

Susan G. Komen Demonstrates Perfectly How To Destroy Your Brand On The Internet - I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think she’s Ozymandias and we haven’t had a time to hear her doomsday speech. [UPROXX]

Chronicle Review: Can a cheap gimmick ruin a great story? - As someone who watches a lot of pro wrestling, uh, yes, yes it can. It can also ruin bad stories. [Film Drunk]

When Drunk-Dialing Goes Wrong: Drake Sued By “Marvin’s Room” Ex - I’m gonna drunk dial my ex with a radio edited “youda youda bess” and see if she sues. Chef! [Smoking Section]

Lana Del Rey Returns To SNL In The Form Of Kristen Wiig - They needed to more directly point out that it wasn’t what she did or looked like, it was that her song sounded super bad. pBuzzfeed]

13 Puppy Stampedes - nyah hee hee nyah hee hee [HuffPost Comedy]

Michael Cera tries to grow a mustache. With results that are pretty much just what you’d expect - Please don’t ruin the Arrested Development movie with your stupid personal bullsh*t, Cera, the rest of the world isn’t interested in Paper Hearts. [FARK]

Steven Van Zandt Crushes ‘Sopranos’ Movie Dreams - Turns out Tony Soprano died in a plane crash, and now whenever they play Freebird they put his hat on the mic stand. [Moviefone]

Gary Oldman’s Dramatic Recounting of Snooki’s Urinary Tract Infection - Somewhere Chris Walken is getting upset about Gary stepping on his toes. [Pajiba]

A Gallery of the Most Egregious Video Game Console Knockoffs - The “Wee” mini-DVD player is more or less the Monald Muck of consoles. Also, lol @ the Super Megason. [Unreality]