I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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There are over 60 games left in the 2012-13 NBA season, so right now is the perfect time to start recording anthems about how your team is unstoppable. Iman Shumpert knows the value of a good anthem, and if anything gets the Knicks to the finals this year, it’ll be lines like, “Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks Knicks.”

Via Cosby:

If you weren’t aware, Iman Shumpert is an aspiring rapper who also happens to be a promising young talent for the New York Knicks. The 6′ 5″ point guard from Georgia Tech has apparently been spending his time in the studio while out with a knee injury. For his latest ‘banger’ Shumpert remixes “Clique” off of G.O.O.D. Music’s Cruel Summer album, turning it into the “Knicks Anthem.”

I think my favorite part is when he says Knicks.

I’m not a basketball star OR an aspiring rapper, but I’m occasionally inspired to greatness by these sports guys, so I put together a remix of my own. Hopefully this will be the new NEW Knicks anthem, and I hope you like it:

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What do you do if you’re a 23-year-old millionaire and your employer is about to make a decision that could send you across the country, uproot your existence and change your entire life? If you’re like Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley, you cope with the stress by pretending to be a blogger until everything blows over.

From Jerry Zgoda of The Minneapolis Star Tribune:

What was Wolves forward Michael Beasley doing in those final minutes before Thursday’s trade deadline when his fate was decided and the Wolves turned down a trade offer that would have sent him to the Lakers?

“I know exactly what I was doing: I watching Fanboy and Chum Chum, eating pizza, French fries and lemonade,” he said, referring to a Nickelodeon cartoon and some of his favorite foods.

In case you weren’t aware, ‘Fanboy and Chum Chum’ is an animated show on Nickelodeon, so imagine a story from 25 years ago where Karl Malone tells Bob Costas that he thought he was gonna be traded, so he got high and watched six straight hours of ‘David The Gnome’.

If “I watched cartoons” wasn’t Manny Ramirez Man-Child enough of an answer, I’m pretty sure “pizza, french fries and lemonade” is the most second grade last meal of all time. The only way it could’ve been better is if he’d eaten chicken nuggets with ketchup. Serious journalism question: Was the pizza square?

[h/t Ball Don't Lie]

The best part of this is the “this isn’t real, someone is moving the baby’s chin” “of course it’s fake but it’s still a funny movie!” exchange in the comments. Second best part is that a viral video has been born of a guy hitting his baby in the throat.

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Links

Nike Basketball’s Black History Month Collection - If someone asks you, “why isn’t there a white history month?”, defriend and/or strike that person with your fist. [Smoking Section]

Six GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Surprisingly Exciting Player In The NBA Right Now - Why isn’t there an Asian history month?? (But no, seriously, this guy might be my new favorite player.) [Buzzfeed]

Girl At Giants Super Bowl Parade Can’t Wait to See Mark Sanchez - Is it Kim Kardashian? Because if it is, nobody correct her. [Brobible]

Here’s A Video Montage Of People Unplugging The TV At Crucial Points During The Super Bowl - … followed by “sh*t kids crying kids being taped by their parents because the team they like lost and love and dignity no longer exist say”! [UPROXX]

12 Famous People You Didn’t Know Were in Movies You’ve Seen - I want to know what person remembers Mumford but doesn’t remember that Zooey Deschanel is in it. How is there another circumstance for having seen Mumford? [Pajiba]

‘Can You Draw CatDog Pooping?’: 13 Fascinating Non-Celebrity Reddit AMAs - This is cool and all, but for some reason I think it’d be weirder to watch Doug poop than CatDog. And Moose from ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’. [UPROXX]

Television Sitcoms’ 10 Best Signature Dance Moves - We live in a sad, sad world where The Carlton ranks behind something from ‘Scrubs’. I may never have children. [Warming Glow]

The New Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Is Right Here And It Is Awesome - I can’t for the reboot in three years where Aunt May is like 35 years old and Eddie Brock is a gay Latina teen. Reboot! Reboot! [Gamma Squad]

This Week In Posters - Honestly? I don’t think I’ve liked a movie poster in years. The last one I bought was Let The Right One In. [Film Drunk]

The Maria Menounos Super Bowl Bikini Bet: A Retrospective - In case you missed it, please take a look at yesterday’s best torso. Mario Lopez was there! [With Leather]

Best Weatherman FAILS - Capital letters! If there’s one thing the Internet can agree on, it’s weather graphics that look like a penis. [HuffPost Comedy]

Awards Season GIFs: Get To Know The People Behind Your Favorite Internet Memes - An interview with strangers who made gifs. We’re through the looking glass, people. I wish the interview was just “So how do you know when to make gifs?” “I don’t know, I guess when I see something funny.” [Moviefone]

As I’ve pointed out a few dozen times since July 1, whoever is running the public relations strategy for the NBA players union is doing a terrible job. But I’m also willing to bet that nobody is really in charge of the spin machine, as we’ve seen both the players and owners struggle to grasp reality during this entire lockout.

However, it’s worth pointing out that the players, despite coming off as greedy and arrogant at times (*cough, Dwyane Wade claiming he deserves $50 million per season, cough*), really do have their acts together for the most part. Sure, some of them are acting like they don’t give a crap about whether or not there is a season, but some of them are using their free time for the betterment of society and they’re not necessarily doing it so they can pose for the cameras.

Us basketball fans may be pissed, annoyed, frustrated, and flat out angry, but we’re also ignorant to the better efforts because a couple guys giving out Playstations to terminally ill kids doesn’t make a front page look as sexy as Wade telling off the league’s commish. Fortunately, I was doing some fall hard drive cleaning and came across a slew of images that proves that even the most robotic, soulless eventual billionaires like LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony have big hearts. They just don’t have good marketing teams.

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"I have no reason to hug her except for my love of having boobs pressed against me."

As is superstar standard for this NBA Lockout, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Paul donated their time to a good cause on Saturday, joining First Lady Michelle Obama and a bunch of young people from bands and TV shows I’ve never heard of at Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play. The event turned out to be the largest in its history, undoubtedly due to the muscle flexed by the NBA stars and especially Obama, who was pushing her youth fitness agenda so our kids don’t all end up competing for the World’s Fattest Woman title.

We’re pretty tough on James around these parts, what with our discontent for his robot-like demeanor and arrogant indifference toward the blue collar NBA fans, but I have to say that I’m impressed with the new person he’s trying so hard to become. I don’t know if he hired a new friend to tell him that being nice to people and not being a dick will make us stop “hating” on him, but it’s nice to see that he’s taking a step in the right direction.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to hate just a little bit. As a tubby tub of lard tub, I can definitely appreciate the cause of educating our fatty kids on physical fitness, so it’s cool that James and Wade would take part in this. However, three of the biggest stars in the NBA should be spending a little more time getting paychecks for their peers. These are the guys who need to step up and take on the owners (and agents) in between being doused with green slime. Otherwise, their teammates will be their greatest charity.

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