Anyone who’s anyone on the internet knows that Wikipedia isn’t a legitimate news source. Unfortunately, some sucker writer in Florida never got the memo. A Wikipedia page reported that religion aficionado Tim Tebow helped New York Yankee All-Star outfielder Nick Swisher propose to his then-girlfriend-now-fiancee, JoAnn Garcia. That was a good enough source for our Floridian friend, who called Swisher to see if these “reports” were true. Let’s just say that Swisher was less than pleased to comment.

Some clown wrote on Wikipedia that Tim Tebow helped Nick Swisher propose to actress JoAnna Garcia by speaking to her parents and being present during the proposal. A writer in Florida asked Swisher about it over the weekend. “What?!” I’m a man! I don’t need to do that! Where’d you hear that?” That’s when the writer, Peter Kerasotis, said he saw it on wikipedia. “Dude, you’re in the media. You know better than to believe Wikipedia … That’s total BS! (Bleep) no! I don’t need some other dude to ask my girl to marry me. I’m a Major League Baseball player. I’m a man. I asked her on the balcony at my place in New York City. Tim Tebow wasn’t there. You need to squash that story, dude.” –The Big Lead

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With his team getting smashed by the Rays in Tampa last night, Yankees first baseman and former Buckeye Nick Swisher found himself in an unusual spot in the eighth inning–the pitcher’s mound. In an effort to save arm stamina for his bullpen, Yanks manager Joe Girardi gave the ball to Swisher, who hadn’t pitched since his freshman year in high school. From Big League Stew:

Here’s how the eighth went for Swisher, batter by batter:
— B.J. Upton walked
— W. Aybar singled to left, B.J. Upton to second
— G. Kapler struck out swinging
— C. Pena popped out to second
— P. Burrell flied out to center

I’m kinda stunned that Rays manager Joe Maddon didn’t send five consecutive pitchers up as pitch-hitters. Because that would have been so stupid, it would have been brilliant. Or just really, really stupid. One of those.

AL — Detroit entered the bottom of the 14th with an 8-6 lead, but Nick Swisher's two-out, three-run blast off of Joel Zumaya instead gave the White Sox a 10-8 victory for a thrilling conclusion to a tedious five-hour game.  New arrival Ken Griffey Jr made an immediate impact in his home debut by going 1-for-6 with three strikeouts… A day after driving in six runs in a single inning, Raul Ibanez added a home run and five RBI, then scored the winning run as the Mariners edged the Twins 8-7 in a wild back-and-forth affair, knocking Minnesota out of first in the AL Central. 

NL — Prince Fielder apologized for his clubhouse shove yesterday, then followed it up with a home run in the Brewers' 8-1 victory over the Reds.  After the game, he let Manny Parra cut in front of him in the buffet line… Mike Hampton, risen from the dead, led the Braves to an 11-4 triumph in San Francisco to earn his first win in nearly three years.  See?  All those millions of dollars in contract money were worth it… Kari Brandon Webb went the distance in the D-Backs' 3-1 win over Pittsburgh, scattering nine hits to earn his major league-leading 16th win.  Although technically, beating the Pirates should only count as ¾ of a win.

Olympics — The Redeem Team survived its toughest pre-Olympic warm-up by beating the dreaded Australians 87-76.  The Americans shot 3-for-18 from three-point range and hit just 61 percent of their free throws in a close match in which the Australians rested their best player, Andrew Bogut.  Jesus.  Their best player is Andrew Bogut? … Holy crap: Olympic soccer has already started.

Nick Swisher signed a new contract with the Oakland Athletics yesterday:

Swisher will earn $700,000 this year, $3.5 million in 2008, $5.3 million in 2009, $6.75 million in 2010 and $9 million in 2011. The club option is worth $10.25 million, with a $1 million buyout.

This looks a lot like my assistant editor contract if you replace the dollar signs with thimbles of Irish whiskey, and subtract many of the zeros.  It appears the  White Elephants are creating a core of young stars:

The new contract, which includes a $500,000 signing bonus, gives the A's four players signed through at least 2009. Swisher joins Eric Chavez (2010), Dan Haren (2009) and Bobby Crosby (2009). 

A youthful club of studs is important, but what's more important is that Chavez, Haren and Crosby follow Swisher's lead to create a stable of scorching Playmates for the discerning baseball fan to compare and contrast.  Lovely Danielle's freckles have fashioned many a tawdry daydream for me, but a redhead would be nice.  Mr. Crosby, I'm looking in your direction.  I defended your lowly fantasy performance last year, so all you have to do is find a voluptuous auburn-locked lass and get into a few legal scrapes on the weekend shift. -KD   

Apparently, Nick Swisher needed more time to flip through magazines to scout for law-abiding young ladies:

The assumption through the winter was that Nick Swisher would jump between left field and first base throughout this season.

But it appears any time Swisher spends in the outfield is likely to be in right field rather than left based on what manager Bob Geren had to say Thursday. "I'd like to keep Swisher as much as I can to one outfield position because he's going to be bouncing between the outfield and first," Geren said. "So I'd like to keep him in right field."

The Chief has already covered Swisher's dating life, but you can count on your trusty assistant editor for hard-hitting analysis of baseball defensive positioning.  What are the ramifications of placing Swisher in right rather than left?  I could give you a multitude of reasons, but, in order to give you the examination you deserve, rest assured I will fully research this story by scouring every photo article I can find.  -KD

Danielle Gamba — the former Raiders cheerleader who was fired for posing nude, then turned to modeling for FHM and Playboy — is now cohabitating with Nick Swisher of the A's, according to SportsbyBrooks.

A source tells SbB Swisher spied Gamba "in a magazine", saw that she was from the Bay Area and did what any self-respecting pro athlete would do – had his manager find her and set up a face-to-face.

The two are now inseparable and cohabitating in Arizona as the A's get ready for Spring Training. Look for a piece in the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE about them shortly.

Must be fucking nice. See a naked girl in Playboy, then point and grunt to your agent. Unlike me. I'm all, "Jeeves, fetch me the hungriest girls from the strip club nearest a set of railroad tracks."

What's that you ask for, dear readers? You want a Not-Safe-For-Work link to five different galleries of her exposed to the elements? Fine, here it is. Don't say I never gave you anything. And remember while you're looking at her ample, freckled bosom that this is the kind of girl who gets drunk in airports and offers sexual favors to cops in order to beat the charges. (Note to cops: take the favors. Totally worth it.)

Also seen on Deadspin; thanks to FHM Online for the pic.