If you haven’t seen this video, I’m not going to spoil it for you. Click play, watch it, then experience what is either the mute button or an NESN having a crisis of the soul during a Red Sox/Orioles game. The absolute best part is the deadpan video description:

Nick Markakis takes strike one.

He sure does. This video is part of what I can only assume will be a never-ending series of guys grabbing boobs in public, because if you’re sitting next to your girlfriend for more than twenty minutes, chances are you’re going to (or at least want to) touch her boobs. I don’t know why we’re wired like that, but we are. Maybe it’s our 21st century equivalent to marking our territory. At least we aren’t pissing on you, ladies!

I think the public boob grab can be all right as long as you don’t make a face like that one weird soccer fan and you keep it to a minimum. It helps if you make the NESN guys laugh so hard they have to mute themselves for two minutes. Somebody listening at home is wondering what the next pitch is probably going to be, but nope, they aren’t going to find out because those nice young couples enjoying a summer night at Fenway Park are sexually active. (spoiler alert: another sh**ty fastball)

[h/t Bob's Blitz]

I was cleaning out my inbox yesterday (which is an awesome euphemism for a trip to the OB-GYN, ladies) when I came across the above picture of a Baltimore Orioles fan wearing his customized Nick Markakis jersey. I meant to post this last month when it was originally Tweeted and posted at Buzzfeed, but I lead a crazy life of freebased cocaine and toddler fight clubs, so sometimes I get distracted. Regardless, the above jersey, sent to me by a New York Yankees friend of mine, incited a great debate between me and said friend – we’ll call him Doucheknuckle for the sake of fluidity.

Doucheknuckle thinks that customized jerseys are stupid and should only be worn by small children, and yet he also agrees with me that children should be kept in a large cage in stadium basements, but that’s another debate. Meanwhile, I believe that customized jerseys are fun if done with creativity and genuineness, or at least recognizing rivalries and insulting other players. After all, people will probably think I’m a tool if I get a jersey with Burns on the back, and I’d rather people think I’m a tool for my collection of mesh tank tops. However, it would be acceptable if I purchased a customized Wilmington Quicksteps jersey to honor my great-great-grand-uncle Thomas P. “Oyster” Burns.

Either way, I’ve gathered my proof that customized jerseys are fun if they’re done in jest and, more significantly, attack a rival team. Feel free to weigh in and take the side of a guy named Doucheknuckle.

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