Actor Rainn Wilson wanted tickets to Game 4 of the Western Conference Final between the Los Angeles Kings and the Phoenix Coyotes, so the wacky Kings Twitter team — the same team who helped build Stanley Cup sandcastles and just trolled Marlon Wayans (Marlon Wayans!) for liking basketball more than hockey — responded the only way they knew how: by referencing the first episode of ‘The Office’.

The exchange, by way of Puck Daddy:

I don’t blame them for referencing that instead of anything that’s happened since Jim and Pam got married (what’re they supposed to do, off him tickets inside of a boring storyline about who wants to run Dunder-Mifflin?), but if I was Wilson I’d trick them into phasing all their tweets in the form of meatballs.

Here’s a pic of Luc Robitaille presenting Dwight with his tickets, or one of the Blues Brothers getting a gift from Jason Bateman, I can’t really tell because they Instagram’d it and they might as well have been standing in a 1970s sandstorm:

I want an Ice King shirt.

The Coyotes went on to defeat the Kings in Rainn’s first hockey game, so it could be his last. Or maybe they’ll just replace him with a less funny celebrity, make the team as unreliable as possible and pay John Krasinski a million dollars a game to stand behind the penalty box making faces.

Imagine how good they’d be if every player gave two sh*ts. (via @hockeypuckck)

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Kim Kardashian’s IMDB Bio Is AMAZING |UPROXX|

Peter Berg calls Israeli interviewer a draft-dodger in probably the best interview ever |Film Drunk|

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: ‘A Man Without Honor’ |Warming Glow|

Thor Delivers Uncomfortable News To A Radio Listener |Gamma Squad|

Jay-Z Is Joining The Music Festival Business |Smoking Section|

Mad Men Discussion: Okay, Seriously, What The Hell Did January Jones Do To Matt Weiner? |UPROXX|

High School Student Makes World’s Worst Song Great |UPROXX|

After 20 Years, Columbia University Janitor Becomes A College Grad |Smoking Section|

George Lucas & The Housing That Spite Built, in Marin County |Film Drunk|

Usain Bolt Dumped His Hot Girlfriend For One Of Several Dumb Reasons |With Leather|

26 States Actually Want to Teach Science |Gamma Squad|

‘CSI: Miami’ Has Been Forced to Turn in Its Badge and Sunglasses |Warming Glow|

15 Things You Didn’t Know About “Game Of Thrones” |Buzzfeed|

15 Best Answers From Louis C.K.’s Reddit Q&A |HuffPost Comedy|

The Dead Guests Of Space Ghost |Adult Swim|

World’s saddest iPhone app lets you date, kiss and move in with computerised versions of boy band One Direction |Fark|

7 Reasons Why You’re Delighted By The Cancellation Of “House” |Pajiba|

The 10 Smuttiest Cities in America |Guy Speed|

The Best of the GI Joe PSAs |Unreality|

This Bloomberg News Segment with the Hot Financial Reporter Is Hilariously Awkward |Brobible|

The Ghostbusters Tour Of New York |High Definite|

As a Washington Capitals fan, I was stoked to see them top the New York Rangers on Wednesday and force a game 7. If I had to compare it to one thing, I’d compare it to the excitement Todd Beamer felt when he decided he was ready to roll on United Airlines Flight 93. Wait, no I wouldn’t, because that would be f**king ignorant.

But here we are. CBC’s Ron MacLean intro’d game 6 by comparing Ryan Callahan and Alex Ovechkin (pictured, right) to 9/11 first responders. Somehow this game wasn’t broadcast on the Onion News Network. “They ARE like police officers, they ARE like firefighters” is especially insipid, and the reason MacLean thinks dying in a collapsing skyscraper and one game of a seven game hockey playoff are similar is “you can’t fight fire with ego”. Or “eagle”, I’m not really sure what he’s saying. You can’t fight fire with either of them, and either word makes the same amount of sense in context.

Ron should spend the rest of the playoffs saying stuff like this, if only for the publicity. He could turn CBC into the Fox News of sports. I want to see him compare Marian Hossa to Trayvon Martin.

[video via Puck Daddy]

Creepy floating heads edition.

When I’m wrong, I’m the first to admit that I was wrong. And boy did the NBA’s defending champs make me look like a fool. Last week, I predicted that no team would be swept from the NBA Playoffs last week, and to make matters worse, I boasted that it was a sucker’s prediction because only one team had the possibility of sweeping its opponent through Saturday, and that was the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I thought for sure that Dirk Nowitzki and Co. would show some scrap and claw back for one win. Wrong.

Oh well, I never said that the prediction machine was a perfect beast, but it’s close to perfect, because I was right about everything else, including the winner of the Kentucky Derby*. And that builds enough confidence for me to move forward with another round of brilliant sports predictions.

*I did not pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby in last week’s post, but I was totally like, “Oh yeah, bros, I pick I’ll Have Another.”

Chances are that by now you’ve seen the video of the random woman walking on to the court during yesterday’s playoff game 4 between the Los Angeles Lakers and Denver Nuggets. It turns out the woman has a little history with the Nuggets, as she used to stalk Kenyon Martin. So it makes sense that she was asking, “Where is Kenyon?” as security was escorting her off the court.

But I assume if security was so lazy and ineffective enough that a woman could just walk into the middle of a play, they probably just put her in a cab and told the driver to take her to the Staples Center.

I’ve always had a fond memory of Oil Can Boyd’s baseball career, but only because I love the name Oil Can. I don’t remember much about his actual playing ability at all, so I really shouldn’t be excited that he’s back in the news. Thankfully, old athletes often give the most batsh*t interviews, and that’s why we can all revel in Oil Can’s return to the spotlight today. Promoting his new book, “They Call Me Oil Can”, Boyd appeared on the Dennis and Callahan show on WEEI, and he admitted that he was high back then and, hell, he’s high right now.

“I smoke pot. Yes, I do. (Host: You are high right now?) Yeah and before I become a hypocrite and say that I don’t do something I’ve been doing it since I was 12 years old. When there ain’t no more (marijuana) out there, then maybe you can ask me that question. I do the best I can. I fight day in and day out for the last 25 years. This ain’t no new thing. For the last 25 years. And I’m doing real well. But I don’t think about it like that. I don’t dwell, like I did. I learn about the substance and I learn about what it was about and and how it affects me and how it was with me in my life.”

The whole thing is an absolute delight, and you can listen to it at Larry Brown Sports.

(Image via)

Evil Cole Hamels is evil.

Are we really making a big deal out of Cole Hamels hitting Bryce Harper in the ass with a fastball last night? Really? Ugh, take it to the next level of overreaction, Washington Nationals GM Mike Rizzo:

“I’ve never seen a more classless, gutless [expletive] act in my 30 years in baseball,” Rizzo told Adam Kilgore of theWashington Post.

“Cole Hamels says he’s old school? He’s the opposite of old school. He’s fake tough,” Rizzo said. “He thinks he’s going to intimidate us after hitting our 19-year-old rookie who’s eight games into the big leagues. He doesn’t know who he’s dealing with.”

“With all the bounty [stuff] going on in professional football, the commissioner better act with a purpose on this thing,” Rizzo said. “Players have a way of monitoring themselves. We’re not here to hit people and hurt people.

“He thinks he’s sending a message to us of being a tough guy. He’s sending the polar opposite message. He says he’s being honest; well, I’m being honest. It was a gutless chicken [expletive] [expletive] act. That was a fake-tough act. No one has ever accused Cole Hamels of being old school.” (Via CBS Sports)

Yawn. Hamels will be suspended for 5 games, during which time Rizzo will figure out that Cole rhymes with hole and he’ll probably record a retaliation rap song.

Former NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens recently claimed that he can still be a productive NFL player for the right team, and every GM in the league just sort of nodded and rustled some papers on their desks. Obviously, Owens would probably like to have one more shot to win a Super Bowl, but it’s more realistic that he’d like to have another NFL paycheck, and we know that because he’ll be appearing on the Dr. Phil show this week to answer to three women who claim they have been raising his illegitimate children.

Owens actually said that he agreed to do the show because he wants to show the public that he is not the person that he was made out to be during his NFL career, when he was an obnoxious fame-whoring showboat.

If you’re unfamiliar with The Sun, it’s a British tabloid newspaper that belongs to the Rupert Murdoch family of publications at the center of the massive phone hacking and tapping scandals across the pond. While not dealing with accusations of invasive harassment, though, The Sun is trying to promote safety and security during the weeks leading up to the 2012 Summer Olympics.

That’s why The Sun recently sent a reporter in a van with a fake bomb to invade the London Olympic village. On one hand, a glaring lapse in security was exposed. On the other hand, what are they, stupid?

The Los Angeles Kings are the hottest team in the NHL Playoffs after they first ousted the No. 1 seed Vancouver Canucks and then finished off a sweep of the No. 2 seed and Stanley Cup favorite St. Louis Blues yesterday. So of course all of the bold experts out there are now climbing on the bandwagon.

But here’s the thing – the Kings were supposed to be really good this season. For some reason, though, they sucked. They sucked enough to get their coach fired, and they sucked enough to get an 8 seed. And as it sometimes happens in sports – things just got fixed. Sure, it’s impressive and they deserve the praise for doing it the hard way, but it’s not a surprise.

Seriously, I combined these pictures of Kellen Lutz and Joey Fatone at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday and I just can’t stop looking at it. When did the world’s most celebrated horse race turn into a fashion show for assh*les?

(Images via Getty)

My beloved hometown of Orlando was named the smuttiest city in America by Men’s Health magazine, based on porn purchases and streaming, as well as search engine results. Orlando – the home of the Magic Kingdom and the Holy Land Experience – is smuttier than Las Vegas. Forgive me if I’m just a little prouder than usual today.

In the wake of Kate Upton changing our lives with her Cat Daddy dance video, the group that created the move wants Upton to star in their next video. The Rej3ctz said that they have reached out to Upton and Rej3ctz member Mowii basically hinted that it’s going to happen.

“She was definitely feelin’ it,” Mowii, one of the group’s members, told Hollyscoop. “She was on her own. She is fire! Oh my god, let me stop, cause I’m gonna get Sports Illustrated…”

“I’ve actually reached out ,” Mowii told the gossip site, “I don’t want to let the cat out of the bag, I don’t want to let the Cat Daddy out of the bag. But it might just happen.” (Via the Denver Post)

I mean, maybe she’ll do it, but she’s already done a big enough favor for this group. If Upton’s giving out charity appearances, The Rej3ctz need to get in line until my “fake” Internet wedding plot is completed.

And my LONGSHOT PREDICTION OF THE WEEK!!!1! is that the once greatest golfer in the world, Tiger Woods, will silence every unoriginal Mad Libs “Tiger doesn’t have it” column that was published today after he failed to miss the cut at the Wells Fargo Championship. I really hope that Woods wins, though, because I’m still not ready to accept Rickie Fowler’s “fashion” as champion material.

(Images via Getty)

Welcome to a new weekly feature that we’ll be running in which we make a bunch of predictions about the upcoming week in sports. I would have run this yesterday, but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF THE HEAVENS DID YOU SEE PAULINA GRETZKY? Also, hello to all our new readers in Finland!

Anywho, we miss a lot of little tidbits and interesting items during the day, for one reason or another, and not only will I use this as an opportunity to include more hockey news and discuss how humiliating last night’s St. Louis Blues loss was, but I will also lay my reputation as America’s last great gentleman blogger with a girl’s name on the line with 10 bold predictions.

Prepare to have your minds blown. (Side note: I would have posted this yesterday, but my crystal ball just kept telling me: “Dude, the Blues SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”)

A few weeks ago we mentioned that the latest Roger Clemens trial – for perjury and obstruction – was the greatest priority for our government, as evidenced by 5 attorneys being employed to prove Clemens lied about steroid use, instead of the 2 lawyers they used the first time. And because it took so long just to pick a jury, everyone got last week off.

Now that the actual trial is underway, Clemens’ lawyer Rusty Hardin is actually trying to prove that the first trial before Congress was a waste of time, as is this one, and wouldn’t you know? The guv’ment don’t like being called out.

Barnett, the government’s first witness, said the House committee sought Clemens’s testimony so it could test the veracity of former Senator George J. Mitchell’s report on steroid use in Major League Baseball. Clemens is one of the players mentioned in the report.

At day’s end, once the jurors were excused, prosecutors argued to the judge that Hardin should not be able to question the legitimacy of the Congressional hearings without the government being able to fight back. (Via the NY Times)

I’m certainly not a legal expert, so I’ll just assume this reaffirms that the trial will last 30 years and we’ll all be explaining 10 global economic meltdowns and this picture to our grandchildren in Thuderdome…

(Banner via Getty)

That bubble gum has more pop than his bat... burn.

With the first month of the MLB season in the books, the big subject is the power outage of Albert Pujols and what the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim must be thinking. Pujols is currently hitting a pathetic .217 with no home runs and 4 RBI through 23 games, while his team languishes in last place in the AL West after spending more money in one offseason than the Pittsburgh Pirates have spent in a decade.

But there’s no reason to panic, obviously, despite the latest news that Pujols and Angels hitting coach Mickey Hatcher are in a spat over Hatcher publicly admitting that Pujols led a pep rally in a private team meeting. Gee, does the team go with the batting coach or the $240 million free agent?

Also, I will be using this photoshop as many times as I possibly can until Pujols hits a home run.

(Image via the AP)

I think it’s safe to say that the New York Knicks are done, and the Dallas Mavericks certainly don’t appear to have much of a chance to come back from their 0-2 deficit to the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I predict the Mavs will win one of their next two games to stave off elimination past Saturday. Thanks to the NBA’s horse crap scheduling and three-month playoff system, these seemingly over first round matchups won’t even be done until next week, which makes it super boring.

Other NBA predictions: the Memphis/LAC series will continue to be highly entertaining and the Indiana/Orlando series will continue to be the exact opposite. Also, four more superstar players will get injured.

(*Get it? Because only one team could possibly win its series this week.)

Imagine the sex.

One of the happiest moments for any NFL fan each year is the Monday after the draft when every Internet NFL writer posts his or her draft results and grades. They mean absolutely nothing, but people need justification for their teams’ picks, especially when they’ve never heard of them. Or they’re a way of reminding Browns fans of their misery. Either way, people do them for cheap hits, which is why Stroud still hasn’t let me out of the tool shed.

But this year, the more savvy NFL pundits put an end to giving the Seahawks C- grades by not grading teams at all, because you just can’t put a value on inexperience or something like that. Fart sniffer numero uno? Mikey Florio. But don’t worry, there are still plenty of grade lists out there. I prefer this kind.

(Image via Getty)

If you’re unfamiliar with Terry Richardson, he’s a world famous photographer with a reputation for pushing the envelope. Also, he really pervs out for some of his subjects. So imagine the raised eyebrows when he posted some typically awesome pictures of Kate Upton to his Tumblr after her latest awesome video came out. He better have been a gentleman, because if not he’ll have to answer to Kate’s 6 million Internet boyfriends.

The Miami Heat were surprisingly not the favorites to come out of the Eastern Conference after the regular season, but they are certainly the favorites to win the East now that Derrick Rose is out for the Chicago Bulls. That’s not to say the Bulls are doomed, but the comfort level has to be on the rise for Miami now, as evidenced by the above GIF. And even the camera guys are having some fun, judging by this clip of Dwyane Wade’s postgame interview and the magnetic attraction of the Heat dancers.

Also, the Heat will still give us plenty of entertainment on the court, especially if you drop your shoe.

(Video via Guyism)

In order to make sure everyone at the 2012 Summer Olympics is well fed, McDonald’s is building its largest restaurant ever at London’s Olympic Park. The new place will seat 1,500 people and will presumably have toilets to handle the consumption of 12 million McRibs and Filet-o-Fish sandwiches per day.

This is sad news for me, as the previous world’s largest McDonald’s was in Orlando, FL. Now it’s just another place where American kids get diabetes.

Jeremy Lin, who was recently named one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World (presumably in the sleeping on a couch category), has been rumored to be approaching a return to the court during the Knicks’ current series with the Heat. Because this is a terrible idea – the Knicks are down 0-2 and have been playing defense like an All-Star team and that is not a compliment – the Knicks will probably try to rush Lin and his surgically repaired knee back, but hopefully they’ll realize that it would be even more depressing to see him join Iman Shumpert.

(Image via Getty)

If you haven’t seen this video about a basketball league for grandmothers, it’s my favorite non-Paulina or –Kate thing of the week.

It’s a longshot, but I just really wanted to make this photoshop.

Last year, the Internet’s legions of dude bros rejoiced as having a Twitter account finally paid off when NHL legend Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, Paulina, was happily posting revealing pictures of herself for all of us to… respect and admire. Well, the Great One – like most fathers of absurdly attractive 23-year old girls – didn’t think too highly of that and he forced Paulina to remove all of the questionable pictures from her Twitter. Sadly, we were forced to find pictures of half naked girls elsewhere. So difficult.

Thankfully, what Wayne may or may not have realized is that the Internet has like 6 billion sites devoted to allowing people to post their pictures, and in case he didn’t hear about it, the popular photo sharing site Instagram was just purchased by Facebook for $1 billion recently. So yeah, that’s a pretty popular site, too.

Hey, maybe Paulina is on Instagram, posting pictures of her recent trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend and their friends. Maybe she’s posting pictures of herself in a bikini in interesting positions with people of both genders. Let’s just check and see if this completely hypothetical idea is true… IT IS. Well done, Mark Zuckerberg.

(Sideways hat tip to the gents at Bro Bible.)

Last night, the 7-seed Washington Capitals defeated the defending Stanley Cup champions and 2-seed Boston Bruins to advance in the NHL Playoffs, and plenty of Boston fans were none too pleased. Sadly, instead of simply enjoying a great upset in an exciting series, most of us are enjoying a huge buffet of WTF today.

After Caps RW Joel Ward scored the game-winning goal, Bruins fans took their frustrations to Twitter, and the personal attacks on Ward got out of control quickly. Sadly, the attacks weren’t based on the fact that Ward only scored 6 goals this season and had no business being the hero. Nope, it was because he’s black. And in case you didn’t know, Twitter can be quite the haven for racism.

Thousands of Tweets were posted within minutes, calling Ward the worst word of them all, and they basically all looked like this (NSFW for language)…

You can see plenty more of these Tweets at Chirp Story, but that one above gives you the basic idea.

If I had to rank the most racist comment forums on the Internet, I’d probably say it’s:

1) Yahoo!
2) YouTube
3) Twitter

Go ahead and check them out. They’re the ultimate proof that our global education is in the shitter. There’s no point in being outraged about last night’s latest episode, because it’s wasted emotion.

(UPDATE: Reader Neil reminded me about the student in England who was sentenced to 56 days in jail for racist Tweets. I don’t normally encourage cluttering our legal system and delaying important trials like Roger Clemens’ fibbery and Kris Humphries seeking the truth about his fraudulent marriage, but I think a few convictions here would do wonders for some of these morons.)

Seriously, here’s a screen grab of the latest Tweets using that word that I so incredibly loathe:

Some are harmless, others are the complete opposite. And there are more:

So many more:

You get the point. As long as assholes have a keyboard and a chip on their shoulder – or even worse, just the desire to troll in the most heinous way possible – there will be racism on the Internet, because social media sucks and proves that not everyone was meant to have a public voice.

So what the hell can we do about it? Seth Davis from Sports Illustrated thinks we should find out who these people are and get them fired from their jobs. Fine, let’s make them angrier. Other people think these dickheads should be deleted from Twitter. While that seems reasonable, they’ll just get new accounts and amplify their hate.

Short of forming small tactical teams that travel the country and locate these people based on IP addresses so we can round them up and put them on rockets and fire them into the sun – which I’m totally down for, by the way – the best we can do is ignore them. Hopefully, Joel Ward is, because he already beat them all.

Yep, that’s Frank Thomas shooting the puck at a Chicago Blackhawks game and not immediately collapsing in agony. Retirement must be going well for him. Maybe he got a pair of robot legs installed. (via Rant Sports)

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Links

5 Albums Coming Out This Week That Don’t Suck |UPROXX|

Side Effects: Mariah Carey’s Top 20 Hip-Hop Collabos |Smoking Section|

The Definitive List of the 20 Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time |Warming Glow|

Feminist Cthulhu Will Always Remember To Call You, Girl. |Gamma Squad|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Mark Wahlberg Undercover, Jake Busey vs. Underground Nazis |Film Drunk|

Watch A 60-inch Vertical Box Jump Through The Lens Of A Camera Phone From 1995 |With Leather|

Pizza Hut Unveils Latest Culinary Abomination: Cheeseburger Crust Pizza |UPROXX|

Sharks And Recreation: Adding Sharks To ‘Parks And Rec’ For No Reason Whatsoever |UPROXX|

Wayne Brady’s “5 Fingers Of Death” Freestyle May Be Better Than Most MCs |Smoking Section|

Charlie Kaufman is adapting a young-adult novel |Film Drunk|

The Best Of The 2012 Drake University Beautiful Bulldog Contest |With Leather|

5 Of the Most Awesome Train Wrecks Hitting Theaters This Summer |Gamma Squad|

Bubble Watch: Which Of Your Favorite Shows Will Be Sh–canned? |Warming Glow|

27 Yoga Positions Demonstrated By Animals |Buzzfeed|

26 Comedians Who Are Smarter Than You |HuffPost Comedy|

The 25 Biggest Pet Peeves |College Humor|

How the internet banded together to destroy a successful Korean rapper |Fark|

MIT Students Play a Game of Tetris on 21-Story Building |The FW|

20 Facts About A History of Violence That Might Make You Want to Shout “Viiiiggo!” |Pajiba|

More Awesome Behind the Scenes Shots from Famous Movies |Unreality|

Guy with No Arms Does Incredible ‘Call Me Maybe’ Cover on the Drums |Brobible|

The Carlton Banks Flash Mob |High Definite|

I have a few friends in Philadelphia, and after the Philadelphia Flyers eliminated the Model Franchise Pittsburgh Penguins with a 5-1 victory in Game 6 of their first-round playoff series on Sunday there was (Facebook) talk of a “dynasty”. A dynasty. After one playoff series victory in a row. If the Flyers lose between now and Lord Stanley’s Cup, those same people will complain about how hard the media tries to make Philly sports fans look like goons.

If they do win the Cup, however, it’ll be thanks to the efforts of fans like these and ‘Knock Knock’, the Karaoke In The Style of Mac Miller fan anthem performed by LiL LouiE C (his capitalization, not mine) (Free Lil Louie C with purchase of a regular sized Louie C*). As fan anthems go it’s not the worst we’ve heard, but it brings up three very important questions:

1. Why are other sports organizations so quick to bring the Terms And Services hammer down on YouTube users illegally uploading clips (like the Metta World Peace elbow we ended up having to gif), but 2:45 of this guy’s 3-minute video is Flyers clips and the NHL doesn’t lift a finger?

2. Is the defining characteristic of an “anthem” the fact that you went around town taping random townspeople lip syncing to your song in 2-second gestures? “Okay now go KNOCK KNOCK with your hands and mouth LET EM IN” etc.

3. Is that Turtle from Entourage?

Well, at least one of those questions has an answer:

[h/t to Philly Sports Live]
*joke credit to Jon Bois

My favorite part of NMA World Edition’s recap of the rising violence in the NHL Playoffs should be players drowning each other, morphing into literal devils and damage-dealing penguins (!) or attacking one another with rocket shoes, but it isn’t — it’s the fact that I guess Taiwanese animation doesn’t have a pre-rendered hockey helmet in their clip art so they just gave everybody motorcycle helmets. That’s amazing.

So yeah, here’s the blood and guts report from our favorite, barely-talented journalistic savants. Come for the fans high-fiving each other for getting hit with body parts, stay for the child-on-child violence.

[h/t to Skooch Banacheck]