The NHL Lockout is over and a lot of things are still up in the air — I’m still waiting on the updated Flyers schedule to see if I’ll be able to catch a game while I’m in town for National Pro Wrestling Day — but one thing is for sure: the NHL All-Star Game has been crumpled up and thrown in the garbage.

But hey, if you want to pretend you went to the game and watched the stars of the 2012-13 (full, uninterrupted) season go head-to-head, visit a central Ohio Dick’s.

That’s right: Columbus NHL All-Star Game swag (via Zach Ross) is still available at Dick’s Sporting Goods, selling for 50 percent off, which brings the price of your commemorative T-shirts down to $4.93. You too can own a piece of hockey history for around the same price as a 4-pack of toilet paper!

(via Puck Daddy)

If you don’t buy it, a kid in the Sudan is going to use it to replace his NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS PERFECT SEASON swag.

There’s really no better place to get disappointing sports clothes than at Dick’s Sporting Goods. When I moved to Texas, I picked up an authentic Cliff Lee Texas Rangers jersey for like 9 dollars. That’s the only thing I can think of off the top of my head more depressing than the lockout.

‘Bettman and Hobbes,’ everybody. The only way they could top this would be finding a way to work in Bud Selig as one of the nerds in ‘The Far Side.’ (via @ChiNativeSon, by way of Puck Daddy)

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Pretty sweet baby bed.

With the future of the 2012-13 NHL season still in peril, it’s a relative certainty that teams will undoubtedly have to work harder than ever to retain fans when and if the lockout ever ends. For instance, according to my team of hard-working researchers and tireless fact checkers, the NHL lost approximately 8 billion fans after the last lockout in 2004-05, and that was in addition to the 6 trillion fans it lost in 1994-95.

But now, in news completely unrelated to those absurd figures that I just made up, at least one team is taking precautions to ensure fan retention by implanting microchips in your newborn child’s brains that will be activated when they’re old enough to cheer for blood. Or something like that.

Babies born in Buffalo are already pretty likely to be raised as Buffalo Sabres fans. The hockey team’s taking no chances, though.

Beginning in 2013, newborns at two hospitals will go home with a Buffalo Sabres baby blanket and a certificate from Sabres owner Terry Pegula.

Sabres President Ted Black says the program is a way to welcome the community’s newest additions while perhaps planting a seed of passion for the game. (Via WHEC News 10)

Not to be outdone, Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson and CEO Russ Brandon will actually let your newborn child coach the team in 2013. Hell, chances are that even a baby could run CJ Spiller more than 12 times per game.

And since we haven’t had any actual hockey action to speak of, let’s revisit the most important hockey video ever made…

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For the first time in who’s even counting anymore, the NHL and NHLPA met to discuss a new collective bargaining agreement, and they were so serious about it that they met two whole times. And today they’re actually going to meet for a third time, so you know that they might be really serious about finding a happy medium on revenue sharing and pensions, and ending this ridiculous lockout once and for all. But since I don’t really know a lot about all the legal whatchamacallits and thingamajigs, let’s talk about Paul Bissonnette and his yoga instructor instead.

One of the biggest things that has been pissing me off about this whole stupid lockout was that I was supposed to be able to interview the 27-year enforcer, who has become quite the entertaining and controversial personality on Twitter, at the beginning of the season. Obviously, that didn’t happen (yet), but I would have probably asked him a starter question like, “So hockey, that’s pretty cool, right?” and before he could even answer I would scream, “WHO IS THAT WOMAN?”

We’d be best bros after that.

UPDATE: I’m late to the party, but she’s Amy Lynn Grover. She offers a yoga for athletes program, as well as great healthy recipes. That’s why I’m viewing her website.

Here’s Nike’s new ‘Hockey Is Ours’ ad. Not included: Gary Bettman’s ‘LOL, Hockey Is Mine’ rebuttal. (via Puck Drunk Love)

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Links

The Biggest, Most Incredible, Unbelievable, Shouted About Sports Moments Of 2012 |With Leather|

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That’s what this is, right?

This little diddy — a “Newfie NHL Lockout song” — appeared at the bottom of Puck Daddy’s The Vent column, and it’s so quaint it should be covered with a f**king doily. I love that we’ve moved past anger towards the NHL Lockout and right into the “We’ll march day and night by the big cooling tower” stuff.

I miss you, hockey. If I could play acoustic guitar, I would record this exact thing. I’m not sure whether or not I’d do it in a Newfie accent, because I’m still not convinced that Newfies are real and not just Newhart characters or whatever, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

Does it look to anybody else like they recorded this in the waiting area of a Denny’s, or is that just me?