wait what the f**k is going on

Writing about Alex Karras in today’s Sports On TV: Archer’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments sent me down a YouTube rabbit hole, and I cannot believe what I found.

If you’re like me, you know George Plimpton best from Ken Burns’ Baseball and from that one episode of ‘The Simpsons’ where he tries to talk Lisa into throwing a spelling bee for a college scholarship and a hot plate (“it’s perfect for soup!”). In the 1950s and 60s, Plimpton was a prolific sportswriter and author whose schtick was signing up to participate in pro sports without any training or know-how, then writing about his experience. He boxed with Sugar Ray Robinson, stood in net for the Boston Bruins, pitched in a post-season exhibition game at Yankee Stadium under coach Mickey Mantle and attended preseason training as a backup quarterback for the Detroit Lions. These moments were shared in beautifully-written books or in the pages of Sports Illustrated.

Also one time he learned pro wrestling against the dad from ‘Webster’ dressed like a caveman lion. That was … uh, not written about beautifully.

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By now, we all know that Tim Tebow was unceremoniously released by the New York Jets after what can best be described as one pooptastic season with the team. Tebow barely saw the field for anything other than punt protection, and the infamous New York sports media routinely gave him the business, as if he were the sole problem with the franchise.

However, lost in the debate as to whether or not the Jets made the right decision or if they did it with class that a gentleman like Tebow deserves is what truly mattered most – Tebow never claimed his free lap dance at Rick’s Cabaret. Obviously, our friends at Rick’s are quite bummed about this, but they’re still most concerned with Tebow’s future.

They are truly the most considerate women that I have ever known.

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The other day, New England Patriots receiver Danny Amendola Tweeted that he’d be donating $100 for every reception he recorded this season, as well as $200 for every dropped pass, to the Boston Marathon Relief Fund, and he received a mostly-gracious response. There were a few guys, though, who took offense to the Tweet and accused Amendola of being desperate for attention, and I could understand if people make the case that he’s trying to fill the big shoes of Wes Welker in terms of winning over Pats fans, but why the hell do we care? He’s awesome for doing anything.

Amendola’s new Pats teammate, Julian Edelman, and guy who should be my best friend, Bradley Cooper, also paid tribute, as they visited Jeffrey Bauman, Jr. in the hospital after he lost both his legs in the Boston Marathon bombing. Despite the intensity of his injuries, Bauman still provided the description of one of the bombers that led to today’s insane manhunt.

So people can criticize athletes all they want for being hungry for attention or seeking fame, but if that is the case, then more athletes need to seek attention, because it’s f*cking awesome when they do.

As you may know, the Houston Texans cheerleaders are my favorite. They’re a fun bunch of ladies who aren’t afraid to Fandango on the Internet between the Monday Fandango was cool and the Monday he was violently ruined.

Here they are hanging out with the 41st President of the United States, George H.W. Bush, and his amazing, amazing socks. Look at those things. I bet even Derrick Bateman doesn’t own socks that patriotic.

President George H.W. Bush recently spent some time with the Houston Texans Cheerleaders and a few photos and videos were snapped. The former President was on hand to present roses to the newest selected 2013-2014 Houston Texans Cheerleaders. The President presented each of the 35 girls with a red rose, and also had time to thank the ones who visited him while he was in the hospital recently. (via Next Impulse Sports)

All political preferences and discussion aside, this is sweet. Here’s the follow-up picture, featuring George making a perfectly reasonable face to be made around a Houston Texans cheerleader whether you’ve been the leader of the free world or not.

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Nothing is sacred these days. Banks lie to and manipulate you, you’re statistically more likely to get divorced than stay happily married, and a national tragedy can’t bring us together because we’re too busy farting out accusations and conspiracy theory hashtags. We’re terrible, and we can’t have anything nice.

The only thing that seems to have weathered the storm of our culture is half-court shots. Half-court shots are wonderful and can win you things like money or cars or jersey numbers. They are the great unifier.

Two examples:

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I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle this news, but country singer Faith Hill will be leaving her job of “waiting all day for Sunday night” in the Sunday Night Football intro after 8 years of service. It’s okay if you “cry a little.”

In lieu of a gallery of leggy sports women, here is our brief statement of sadness.

Hill used the same writing talent that crafted the lyric, “if I could grant you one wish/I’d wish you could see the way you kiss,” to express her sadness and gratitude via Facebook:

Amazing 2 have been part of SNF – an honor. I’ve just let everyone there know it’s time 2 let someone else rock the open. Difficult decision. Kinda emotional. Love all u guys at SNF – I’ll b watching!!!

Welcome to Obama’s America, I guess. What’s next, Cleatus the Football Robot leaving FOX Sports to pursue his dream of being a baseball robot? Come on.

Never forget:

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