Or, “AAAAH PAT KELLY”.

What you’re looking at is New York Jets center Nick Mangold appearing on a special celebrity edition of ‘Wax On, Wax Off’, wherein he lets persons from ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’ rip the hair from his enormous baby-body as punishment for someone else’s incorrect trivia answers. Unfortunately for Nick, he’s got one of the guys from Coheed and Cambria (not really) answering questions about Lithuanian Prime Ministers so his poor chest ends up looking like a Man-o-Lantern.

Video is below, but it may not be suitable for the faint of heart or fuzzy of boob.

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The people behind the website CharityBuzz operate under the philosophy “Do Good, Live Well” and with that one belief, they have helped raise more than $60 million by auctioning off special event packages that involve some of the biggest names in entertainment and sports. In fact, here are a few of my favorite auctions that I found after checking out the site:

• Meet Michael Douglas and Morgan Freeman and compete in Michael Douglas Celebrity Golf Tournament in Atlantis (and then marry a girl 30 years younger than you)
• Receive golf lessons from Butch Harmon (leave me alone, I love golf)
• Visit the Fox NFL set and meet the crew (how about I pay to not do that?)
• Spend 5 nights in a luxury hotel before attending the 2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and have lunch with an Angel (!!!!!!!!)
• Spend a day in Los Angeles with Tesla founder Elon Musk (at first I thought that was the band Tesla and I was ready to take out a loan)

And perhaps the most intriguing CharityBuzz sports auction currently under way involves bidding on the opportunity for your kid to play catch with Brett Favre. Currently at $4,250, this package – pun really f*cking intended – is valued at $10,000. For your dollar, Favre will come to your kid’s school or practice field and teach him (or her, liberals) how to pass for 70,000 yards, 500 touchdowns and 8 billion interceptions, as long as you live in or near Sumrall, Mississippi.

It sucks that you either have to live in or be willing to travel to Sumrall, because I’d be interested in winning this auction just to pay a line of local kids to drill Favre in the nuts with footballs.

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What, this isn't good enough?

Aw crap, more state politics. This time we’re talking new stadium agreements, and the fun begins in Minnesota, where the Vikings have agreed to terms on a partnership with the taxpayers for the creation of a $975 million stadium. The team will pay $477 million toward the new facility, while the state and Minneapolis will pay the other $498 million. This is truly a remarkable day for unions between the people and the billionaires who take all of their money.

But before you go shopping for new tailgate gear, Vikings fans, you should probably know that you will never ever be able to see just how that taxpayer money is being spent, because the state gave the Vikings a “blanket protection” that allows Zygi Wilf and Co. to be super secretive about everything they do. Hooray, democracy!

One provision would shield “any financial information” from the team from public eyes. Critics say the blanket protection goes beyond state law, leaving taxpayers in the dark.

“We now have the largest public commitment in the state’s history in an agreement with the Vikings, and we have an unprecedented lack of disclosure,” said Rep. Mary Liz Holberg, R-Lakeville, who voted against the stadium bill. (Via the Seattle Times)

Basically, Governor Mark Dayton and a team of people that he will choose will be able to check in on the finances of the Vikings and their new stadium whenever they want. And if they see something they don’t like, they can handle it internally. But even if it’s something totally f*cked up, the public still can’t see it. Dayton might as well cut the stadium’s ribbon, scream, “HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!” and light a pile of money on fire.

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Trust me, folks – I hate talking any level of politics on this here sports humor blog, but sometimes I just can’t help but slap my forehead at the time management of our great nation’s elected officials. Today’s tale of “WTF, politicians?” comes from Louisiana, where state senators have voted almost unanimously to demand that the NFL reconsider the punishments handed down to the New Orleans Saints for their role in BOUNTY GATE: THE GATE THAT INVOLVED BOUNTIES™.

Back in March, Rep. Cameron Henry, a Republican from the fine parish of Jefferson, introduced House Concurrent Resolution 50, which basically says that the NFL was wrong to fine the Saints half a million and suspend coach Sean Payton for the year. The bill passed 28-1 and now the Louisiana state legislature demands action by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, or else they will not show their tits for beads. I think that’s how this works.

“There is widespread public opinion throughout the state of Louisiana and beyond that the penalties imposed upon the Saints are too harsh and should be reconsidered,” the resolution says.

Henry’s resolution says that the suspensions “will likely have a negative economic impact across the Crescent City and the state as a whole.” (The Times-Picayune via Pro Football Talk)

Look, I may not be some fancy, big city slicker lawyer type, but I have watched a football game or two in my day, and I’ve certainly enjoyed the treasures of New Orleans on a few occasions. So if I had to make a prediction of how this bill will influence the NFL commish, I’d say: 1) It won’t; B) Nah, it won’t; and III) Seriously, it won’t. But I also don’t think it will affect people traveling to the state either, because as long as people enjoy pissing money away at Harrah’s and sucking down crawfish and beignets, the Big Easy will be fine (see you in November, Cajun Boy!). Just have a few hand grenades and heckles some tourists. This whole mess will be over soon enough.

In this post, you learn that a man in a 90s-themed plush jaguar costume wearing sunglasses and pawprint shorts is better at sports than you. Also, he’s better at golf than most golfers.

At a 2-handicap, Jaxson De Ville (who is seriously named “Jaxson De Ville”) is easily the most complexly athletic anthropomorphic and radical-to-the-max jungle cat in pro sports. As the mascot for the Jacksonville Jaguars he’s done everything from in-stadium bungee jumping to jumping a BMX bike through fireworks, so it shouldn’t be surprising to see him golfing his furry ass off during Players Championship week.

And yet …

As E. Michael Johnson noted in his Golf World Monday piece, [Curtis] Dvorak has been the Jaguars’ mascot (Jaxson De Ville) since 1996, and during Players Championship week, he had the opportunity to caddie the back nine on Wednesday for Jim Furyk.

As the group approached the 17th hole, Dvorak was challenged by Andres Romero’s caddie, Adrian Monteros, to hit the shot to hit the island green in full-on costume. Taking a little less club, Dvorak stood over the ball and laced a perfect 8-iron onto the green, drawing a cheer from the crowd. (via Devil Ball Golf)

Your move, Dinger the Dinosaur.

Last summer, as the majority of NFL players were worried about whether or not they’d be able to pay for their Internet bills, Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy took a shot at New York Giants DE Osi Umenyiora on Twitter, calling him soft and overrated. Umenyiora then called McCoy a “Twitter gangster” and referred to him as “she” in all interviews because only girls start feuds with each other on Twitter. Fair enough.

So, um, how was your weekend, Mrs. Umenyiora?

Umenyiora has been the subject of various trade rumors this offseason, and he openly declared his discontent with the organization for only offering him an extension worth half as much as what they gave Mathias Kiwanuka. Whether or not that will be rectified has yet to be seen, so I suppose boredom is the reason that Umenyiora is poking the ringless McCoy with his Lombardi stick.

At least McCoy seems to have a sense of humor about it…

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