And here I thought The Venture Bros. was the only show that did David Bowie jokes.

Last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon featured Tebowie, advertised as “for the first time … Tim Tebow and David Bowie together as one” (unless you count Tim Machine and Tim Machine II). Fallon launched into a parody of Bowie’s “Space Oddity”, replacing Ground Control with Jesus Christ and one hundred-thousand miles with 316 yards. It’s not laugh out loud funny but it is clever, which you can’t say for every Tebow anthem (a fact you’ll learn more about that in today’s Friday Face-Off).

I hope the Broncos find a way to beat the Patriots just so the incessant coverage of Tebow can continue, because he’s such a great role model to Young Americans. What am I saying? Denver will Never Let Me Down.

Complete song lyrics are included after the jump.

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Elite-to-Joe-Flacco quarterback Joe Flacco spent his Wednesday afternoon feeling a little insecure, chatting with the media about how they love quarterbacks, but don’t seem to ever spread the love to Baltimore. “Baltimore has a quarterback”, he wonders aloud. The guy from the Baltimore Sun starts doodling in his notepad, then rolls his eyes when he remembers he should probably be writing this down.

“If you look at the teams that won, yeah you can look at the quarterbacks but that’s just because you guys, ESPN, everybody wants to pump them up as being the best quarterback that year. It’s really going to come down to what team is the best,” Flacco said. “I’m sure if we win, I’ll have nothing to do with why we won according to you guys.”

As MJD of Shutdown Corner points out, people don’t think Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback leading his team into war because he isn’t one, he’s Joe f**king Flacco. He’s fine, but he’s Joe Flacco.

The Ravens aren’t built like the Patriots or the Packers. They don’t succeed or fail based on whether or not they throw the ball seventy times a game, and here are their options: give the ball to Ray Rice, or give the ball to Joe Flacco. JOE FLACCO. Which would you do? Joe Flacco knows:

“You guys want everybody to be Aaron Rodgers and be Tom Brady, but you guys do realize, those guys’ [teams] don’t run the ball? If we try to do that, the criticism that we’d take around here would be ridiculous.”

I think he would behoove Joe Flacco to realize he’s the sort of guy you have to identify as “Joe Flacco” every time, because calling him “Joe” or “Flacco” doesn’t seem right. He’s doing well, and should try really hard not to be that girl in art class who draws a horse for every project and gets pissed when the kids with actual brains and hands for art get praised. Draw your horse, win your playoff games, and be okay being Joe Flacco. Because Joe Flacco is what the Ravens need.

Joe Flacco.

Welp!

I didn’t think Next Media Animation could top Tim Tebow as an angel stabbing a dolphin to death with a spear, but their latest episode features Tebow literally being crucified, crown of thorns and everything, and Jesus Christ himself, the son of an X-Box-purchasing God, Tebowing after defeating Satan with the Broncos in a game of heavenly Madden.

You know the drill by now. Taiwan has an endless supply of hallucinogens and low-rent computer graphics and cannot stop being amazing with them.

I can’t stop asking questions about this video. Can Tebow control lightning, now? What’s the John 3:16 guy doing in the endzone? What other games does Jesus have? How funny is it that when asked to pick a team in Madden, Satan would choose the Steelers? And most importantly, where can I get one of those r/atheism shirts?

You’ve got to love a clip where two ladies circling the Earth on a space shuttle they’re riding like a horse is the most reasonable part.

Pro sports’ best citizen and America’s most desirable neighbor Tim Tebow has it rough; he provides no reasonable middle ground, and the only two ways to take him are as God’s Precious Little Comeback Angel or the least talented human being in modern history. You’d think it’d be easy to understand a guy who wrote an autobiography in his early twenties, but here we are alternately applauding his performances and staring aghast at his self-indulgent comic book.

Thankfully, the NFL’s second most stand-up guy is here with solid advice on remaining moderate in extreme times. He’s also here if Tebow wants to know how to have sex on dates.

But even Big Ben seemed astounded by the constant attention — both good and bad — paid to Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.

“It’s got to be tough. Every time you turn it on, you see something about Tebow. I can only imagine what it’s like for his teammates. Just watching today, it’s the Steelers versus Tim Tebow. No, it’s the Steelers versus the Broncos, so I can only imagine what it’s like for him with all the eyes and the attention on him and the pressure. It can’t be fun. I feel for him a little bit.”

“I don’t think Tim’s really calling ESPN and asking them to talk about him,” Roethlisberger said. “I would assume his teammates understand it. It’s a tough thing. It’s the position we play.”

Yes, Ben Roethlisberger knows a thing or two about pressure. Denverpost.com could’ve kept things in a reasonable perspective by saying “Roethlisberger is a way better quarterback than Tebow so he knows what he’s talking about”, but no, they had to go full facepalm:

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Links

16 Beautiful Photos From The NHL Winter Classic - They should bring the Winter Classic to Texas and play a game on the roof of our Whole Foods Market, or at least be forced to wear sweaters when its still 75 degrees outside in January. [Buzzfeed]

The Cowboys Season Ends In Exquisite Cowboys Fashion - Gonna be watching that Romo gif all day. It’s like something from Baraka. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

5 Reasons We’re Looking Forward To The “Watchmen” Prequels - This is the worst idea since the Tom Hanks remake of Ikiru. The problem with modern comic writers is that they absolutely cannot let anything stay good. [Gamma Squad]

The Highest Grossing Films of 2011 - I’m pretty disappointed in all of us that The Smurfs made 140+ million dollars and further validated their stupid “everything has to be updated to modern times and take place in either New York or Los Angeles” thing. [Film Drunk]

Mase Allegedly Skips Out On $35K Unpaid Jewelry Tab, Gets Sued - Mase … you know ain’t nothing changed but his debilitating limp. [Smoking Section]

Man Named Omar Little Arrested in Baltimore - This is probably the best story of all time, if only for the thought that ‘The Wire’ is real, and happening concurrently to our lives at all times. And if Omar can get arrested, that means Bodie is still around! [Warming Glow]

Child Actors: Then & Now - These lists are always fun and exist for two reasons: 1. To remind us how hot Punky Brewster got, and 2. To remind us how hot Budnick from Salute Your Shorts did not get. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Top 600 People - I can’t wait until these lists get comprehensive enough to include me. [Adult Swim]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Jay-Z - Number 11: he thinks “green berets” is pronounced like it’s spelled. [PopCrush]

Snoop Dogg to appear on The Price is Right, be the guy who always bids $420 - Drew Carey to host The Price is Right, be that guy who stands around with weird hair and laughs in a weird, unlikable way to himself the entire time. [FARK]

Ring in the New Year with 15 of the Most Slamdamntastic Dance Scenes in Cinematic History - That’s it, Pajiba, you’re grounded from creating adjectives for the rest of the year. [Pajiba]

Eight Very Realistic Movies About Parenthood - Or, more specifically, eight very realistic movies about lower upper class white parenting. This is not my childhood experience. Steve Martin never had to parent somebody in section eight housing. [Unreality]

“I’m not ashamed to say I’m a Christian, but unicorns are kick ass.”

Links

Rick Perry’s Unpopular Opinions - He might not be ashamed to say he’s a Christian, but I am. “My Pokémon team is all zubats” made me laugh out loud, though. [Buzzfeed]

NBA Laboratory: Givin’ Kobe Bryant The Business - I’m seriously considering buying a Robert Awful LA Lakers jersey after watching this video. Talk about team loyalty! [SB Nation]

Alec Baldwin: America’s #1 Terrorist - The new best part of being famous is that if you’re thrown off a plane for being too fat or playing Words With Friends when the flight attendant has told you to shut off your electronic stuff, you can go on Twitter and bitch and everyone takes your side. SHUT DOWN YOUR STUPID PHONE ALEC BALDWIN [Warming Glow]

Video Of The Day: Mike Tyson Quote Song - We’re never gonna stop thinking this invalid rapist is hilarious, are we? Oh well, at least his video game was the best. [Cage Potato]

Your Up-To-The-Second Playoff Picture Updated ‘Round The clock With Newer, Cheaper Jokes - The title says it all. “Who are the Texans” jokes almost make me mad now, but I’ve been a Texans fan for like forty minutes, so what the hell can I even say? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Funny, Sexy And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - Holy crap, anthropomorphic Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony #cangetit SO HARD. [Gamma Squad]

Limp Bizkit Got Dropped From Their Record Label - This time they’re gonna let it all come out. This time they’re gonna stand up and shout. They’ll do things their way. Their way. Their way of the highway. [Film Drunk]

Cast Of Community Begs You All To Save Greendale - Don’t let this beautiful cadre of people leave my life, even if Donald Glover is now officially a rapper and Alison Brie is going to show up on a much better show sometime early next year. [UPROXX]

Today’s Cutest Kid Is This Rapping Two-Year Old - He’s not as good as Childish Gambino, but he’s better than Fred Durst. [Smoking Section]

JoshiMania Night One: Death Queen Battle - Pictures and happenings from a show I would’ve killed to attend, and almost did like 14 different times. If they’d brought over Miyako Matsumoto, I don’t know, I probably would’ve sold my car to finance a trip. [DirtyDirtySheets]