America: Land of the Free to Have Stupid Facial Hair

I don’t get people. I don’t get how they can be born with unnatural talent and put in a position that people would (and have) kill to be in, to make millions upon millions of dollars for playing a game that people love. And all the while they can’t grasp the basic idea of thinking before speaking. But then, as I’ve pointed out so many times before, I’m not in their heads, so I can’t really identify with that someone like Tyrann Mathieu is thinking when he Tweets (and promptly deletes) something like this in the wake of yesterday’s tragedy at the Boston Marathon:

America… Only thing its good for is making money other than that this a wicked & cruel place to reside… #pray4boston

For the uninformed, Mathieu is a gifted young football player, who excelled at LSU before he was kicked off the team for failing drug tests as many as 10 times. Then he was arrested for marijuana possession. So maybe he’s pissed off because a guy can’t just smoke a little herb without people kicking him out of school or arresting him. But again, I’m not in his brain to know why he thinks that America is so wicked and cruel, and where he’d rather live than this country that is allowing him a second and third chance to make millions of dollars playing football.

I’m also not trying to tell a guy that he can’t have an opinion. If Mathieu hates America, fine. A lot of people do. But this is more of an issue with common sense or a lack thereof. Tons of people are insensitive, some even do it for a living. Sh*t, did you see what Anthony Jeselnik Tweeted (and deleted)? I’m just saying that there’s a time and a place, and a guy like Mathieu, whose draft stock has already taken repeated hits, needs an angel on his shoulder telling him that not every thought needs to be shared.

For instance, I’d like to suggest some things that he could have Tweeted instead.

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If you’re a fan of the Cleveland Browns (cough), you were probably happy when the team traded up in April to select Trent Richardson, the University of Alabama running back who led the team to a national championship and kinda looks like Robert Griffin III had a man-baby with Benedict Cumberbatch.

If you’ve been a fan of the Browns for more than seven months, you started waiting for the other foot to drop, citing LITERALLY EVERY OTHER DRAFT EVER as an example of Cleveland’s terrible, terrible luck. You remember Courtney Brown’s leg, William Green’s back wounds, Kellen Winslow’s motorcycle and Phil Taylor’s pec. You remember everything about Tim Couch other than Heather Kozar.

Anyway, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you don’t have to wait very long for that other foot. The bad news is … well, you’re a Browns fan, you’ll figure it out.

The team issued a one-sentence statement Wednesday saying that the running back, picked No. 3 overall in April’s draft, will see a specialist on Thursday.

The statement says: “Trent Richardson is traveling to Pensacola, Fla., where he will have his left knee further evaluated by Dr. James Andrews tomorrow.” (via ESPN)

Or, “ESPN issued a two-sentence statement on Thursday recapping Wednesday’s announcement that Trent Richardson’s knee doesn’t work and you’re shit out of luck”.

So what do you think? Is this a temporary setback for a man with a bright NFL future, or another example of Cleveland being one of two U.S. cities built over a Hellmouth? More importantly, will he ever be able to break a dude’s ankles like this again?

Welcome to a new weekly feature that we’ll be running in which we make a bunch of predictions about the upcoming week in sports. I would have run this yesterday, but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF THE HEAVENS DID YOU SEE PAULINA GRETZKY? Also, hello to all our new readers in Finland!

Anywho, we miss a lot of little tidbits and interesting items during the day, for one reason or another, and not only will I use this as an opportunity to include more hockey news and discuss how humiliating last night’s St. Louis Blues loss was, but I will also lay my reputation as America’s last great gentleman blogger with a girl’s name on the line with 10 bold predictions.

Prepare to have your minds blown. (Side note: I would have posted this yesterday, but my crystal ball just kept telling me: “Dude, the Blues SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”)

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While the first round of the NFL draft is in the books, I still haven’t been able to fully wrap my head around how exciting it actually was. For starters, when did Rick Spielman learn how to be good at his job? Did he have to suck in Miami on purpose in order to become successful in Minnesota? And how is it that I’m just flat out impressed at how the New England Patriots traded up two times last night instead of typically hating them? And how did my brother, who loves the Seattle Seahawks, think it was a good idea to make fun of the Miami Dolphins before his team drafted?

Speaking of the Dolphins, the team that I have inexplicably saddled my shame and sorrow to for eternity, I’ve never been so sad for being so right – as evidenced by my Jeff Ireland satire at Kissing Suzy Kolber yesterday. Ugh.

Anywho, the highlight of the first round for me is the above image of Fletcher Cox after he was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles with the 12th pick. I will probably never know the answer to this – and I probably don’t want to – but who is the dude on the left? He’s awesome. I am going to photoshop him into all of my family photos.

UPDATE: Sorry, wasn’t paying close attention when I accidentally posted the Photoshop as the banner. I know, it’s disappointing.

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"So I'd like to stay another year and nail many, many attractive college girls."

If USC quarterback Matt Barkley enters the 2012 NFL Draft, he is a Top 10 draft pick, without a doubt. Depending on whether or not the Cleveland Browns decide if they’re content with Colt McCoy instead of selecting one of three seemingly sure-fire NFL QBs, he could even be a Top 5 pick. Of course we also need to see how the Top 10 unfolds, with so many terrible teams still jostling for position, but in my cold, dark heart, I know he was going to be a Miami Dolphin.

And then he had to be a big ol’ jerk and stay at school for his senior year.

Matt showed Kiffin an ornament he had made for him that had Barkley and Kiffin embracing after the USC-Colorado game in November, in which Barkley set the school’s single-game touchdown passes record. Below the picture, it read, “2011 Great Memories.”

Kiffin looked at the ornament hastily made out of cardboard and said, “That’s neat. Cool ornament, Matt.”

Barkley then said, “Turn it over, Coach.”

Kiffin had to read the hand-written inscription twice for the words to sink in: “One more year. To the memories next year.”

(Via ESPN LA)

My overwhelming disappointment aside, this is a bold but understandable choice by Barkley. On one hand, he loses the substantial payday he was guaranteed as one of the three franchise QBs – the others being Robert Griffin III and that Stanford kid nobody talks about – taken in the first round, but he doesn’t necessarily seem like a guy who is too worried about waiting another year for that coin.

On the other hand, he can help guide the Trojans out of their humiliating suspension by making a National Title run next year, and if they look anything like they did this season, the Trojans will definitely be in the thick of it. And that stinks, because nobody wants to see Lane Kiffin win.

In a story ripped from the headlines of The Onion, Jim Mallett, father of New England Patriots draft pick QB Ryan Mallett, told the Boston Herald will get “payback” on the Miami Dolphins for not drafting him in the first round. You see, it was Ryan’s dream to be drafted in the first round, and the Dolphins took away his dream.

“They took another guy,” Jim Mallett said. “Ryan said, ‘Payback.’ He remembers it all.”

I’d be afraid of revenge from anybody named “Mallett.” What’re you going to do to the Dolphins? They’re pretty paid back already.

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