Look at this jerk, he even blocks New Orleans on the map.

As he embraces life without the wonderful Michelle Beadle, Colin Cowherd reminded us yet again that when it comes to spewing opinions about sports, he’s a guy that does that. Cowherd didn’t make any friends in New Orleans earlier this week, after he complained about the prospect of the 2013 NFL Pro Bowl being held in the Big Easy.

Herped and derped ESPN’s popular radio and TV host:

“They have become the default place for everything, and the Pro Bowl is a family event. Players take their families,” Cowherd said. “Players aren’t going to go to New Orleans. New Orleans is not a family destination, it’s a party destination.”

Players aren’t going to go to New Orleans because it’s a party destination. Let that sink in for a minute. But Hawaii and its 12 hookers per square foot is practically a giant Chuck-E-Cheese.

Let’s just get to the meat of Cowherd’s beef:

“It is the least safe major city in the country… not my opinion, statistically the least safe,” he said. “There are only two where locals will tell you, turn around, don’t go that way…Detroit and New Orleans.”

Let’s forget for a second the fact that you can’t invoke statistics and then not offer any statistics, instead saying something as ridiculous as the locals will tell you to f*ck off like, fittingly, in Interview with a Vampire as they’re burning the city to the ground because of the plague. Cowherd’s entire argument boiled down to ignorance, as he eventually added:

“I want a lot of hotel rooms, a great airport, good weather, safety,” Cowherd said. “New Orleans is not top-15 in any of those.”

Naturally, New Orleans officials disagree.

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There isn’t much to do when you’re the creative director of a Madden game (“okay, this year I think we’re gonna make it look like football”), so EA Sports’ Mike Young has spent the last few weeks tweeting about the amazing new features set to debut in Madden NFL 13, such as Tim Tebow being able to Tebow.

Still no word on whether or not planking and Batmanning will make the cut, but earlier today @EAMaddenNFL dropped the first official image of Tim Tebow Tebowing in a New York Jets uniform in the end zone at MetLife. If you were gonna get excited about this at some point, now’s your chance.

As Weed over at Sportress notes, being able to Tebow won’t matter if you can’t assign the pose to whichever linebacker murders him. Or the ability to Tebow via Kinect. Maybe the Wii version will have a mini-game where you run to the 50 yard line and do it, who knows.

One of my all-time favorite things to do is scour the depths of Etsy for random crap, because it’s just amazing how much awesomely ridiculous stuff people can create and sell on the Internet these days. But nothing gets my PayPal account pumping more than the sports gear that dedicated Etsy sellers have whipped up, and that’s why I want to devote this new weekly feature to finding my favorite Etsy sports merchandise, starting with that Tim Tebow pillar candle above.

Sure, I just pointed out that Tebow’s got a team of trademark-happy lawyers that are suing people for making things that don’t even mention the New York Jets backup QB’s name, but that’s not going to stop any of us from grabbing one of these $5 candles and letting the Jets fan upstairs know that we’re pushing for Tebow to get the other New York team a Super Bowl win.

After the jump, get in the gift-giving mood, because Etsy’s got every sport covered…

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In a story that I’ve paid little attention to because it makes me dismissively wank with poor mechanics, New York Jets backup QB Tim Tebow and his handlers are suing two Jets fans for making a Jesus-themed Jets t-shirt. The shirt makes no reference to Tebow other than a mutual appreciation of the son of God – although on the site they admit that they were obviously inspired by Tebow’s faith – but that’s not stopping the guy who just changed his dog’s name from making it perfectly clear that Jesus is his thing in the Big Apple, gosh dang it.

The reason I mention that is because it’s apparent that Tebow and is brand managers are going out of their way to protect his “I’m a good widdle boy” reputation now that he’s living in Satan’s den, so it shouldn’t shock us that Tebow and/or his people forced Broadway actress Neka Zang – of Rock of Ages, but I assume you already know that – to delete a picture (above) from her Twitter, one that Tebow took with Zang (above left, I think) and her castmates after he attended a show.

Zang Tweeted that she was asked by unnamed people to remove the picture and then she deleted that Tweet as well, but here was her exact response: “Well, Due to Tebow’s ‘image’ I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed ladies. He does know we arn’t real strippers right?”

This is twice now that Tebow has thrown a hissy fit with posing for photos with celebrity females. During Super Bowl week in Indianapolis, if you recall, he also refused to take a picture with Kate Upton and Chrissy Teigen because they are wretched whorebeasts of the Apocalypse. No, wait, they wear bathing suits. Sorry, I always get those mixed up.

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Reggie Bush announced the other day that his goal for the 2012 season is to prove that he can build off of his first ever 1,000-yard rushing season and lead the NFL in rushing yards, which is sure to make more than a few people chuckle. But you have to admire the guy’s ambition, as he previously showed that all he was good for is a few dozen Kim Kardashian rumors each year. For the time being, though, he’s also prepping himself for a career in broadcasting when he hangs up his jersey, as he’s pulling co-hosting duties on Live With Kelly! today for the second time.

Bush originally hosted back in January as part of an all-sports week on Kelly Ripa’s daytime talk show and his stint was a complete success. To show his gratitude, Bush arrived at the ABC studios today with a special gift for the spunky former cohort of Regis Philbin. I suppose you can call it a gift. Or maybe you can call it a terrible jinx. Either way, Ripa is now the proud owner of her very own Miami Dolphins jersey. Responded owner Stephen Ross, “Hey Kelly, you know for a few million bucks you can become a part owner, too, right?”

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Thanks to an endorsement from Justin Bieber and a catchy hook straight out of Disney Channel primetime, ‘Canadian Idol’ third place finalist Carly Rae Jepsen has the “song of the summer” with Call Me Maybe. At the time of this posting, the video (featuring Carly being in love with her emo fitness model neighbor until he stops doing chores and tries to surprise buttsex a guy in her band) has almost 64 million views. And because in 2012 “you being famous” means “everyone who likes you also has to be famous”, YouTube has gotten clogged with at least 128 million Call Me Maybe covers and parodies.

This one comes to us from Zack Murray of North Andover, Massachusetts, a well-meaning kid with rosy cheeks and New England Patriots curtains. His version — “Call Me Brady”, about Pats QB Tom Brady and sadly neither Greg or Peter — is full of number identification and concerned eyebrows, but it’s just earnest (and thorough) enough to work. It’s one of those things you find that’s bound to go viral. And hey, bad signing or not it sounds like Steve f**king Wonder compared to the Texas Rangers Train people.

Maybe Bieber will give him a record contract, put him in videos with racially-indeterminate teen girls and market him to those 12-to-38-year-olds who can’t get enough of Ron Weasley.

[via Beantown Banter]