From Sports Illustrated:

“I get most of my jokes in the bathroom. I go to the bathroom and come up with some silly stuff, some good stuff, and then I go get my pen and pad and my recorder, just to see how I’m going to do it. I’m not doing the whole set, but I’m trying to figure out which joke I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it. So I practice it, and then I go out there and do it.”

Ron Artest’s Yellow Collar Comedy Tour continued at Caroline’s in Manhattan on Monday, and you sort of owe it to yourself to watch the video. Okay, maybe not to watch it, but you should press play and let it play for a while in the background until you tab back over to it, say “what the hell” to yourself and close it. I like to think of this stand-up comedy experiment like that episode of The Fresh Prince where D.L. Hughley shows up and Will just assumes anybody funny can do stand-up. The only difference is that the Fresh Prince ends after 22 minutes.

[h/t Off the Bench]

New Jersey entrepreneur Larry Blatterfein wants to open a bar for New York sports fans called “Buck Foston’s”. He says the name keeping him from getting an operating license because New Brunswick mayor Jim Cahill is a Boston Red Sox fan.

Alternate theories:

1) Jim Cahill doesn’t really care about how sports rivalries impact Shenanigans-style restaurants, but he’s one of the 99% of people who hate that “switched letters curse word” joke and knows it officially jumped the shark with John Cena’s “RUCK FULES” WWE merchandise. He also doesn’t like it when Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes breaks character and starts pissing on memorabilia.

2) Nobody cares what this guy wants to call his stupid 250 Cent Wing Night establishment, and News 12 New Jersey reporter Sean Bergin is lobbying for a position at Grantland by romanticizing a bunch of improperly-filed paperwork.

Watch the local report and decide for yourself:

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Former New York Giants receiver David Tyree once helped win a Super Bowl by pressing a football into his head as he fell down. In a first paragraph that will hopefully get me a job writing for CNN (or at least the Sporting News), Tyree is now holding something else to his head: the promise that gay marriage will lead to a state of lawlessness. Okay, that sounded catchier in my head. If the New York State Assembly approves a same-sex marriage bill, Tyree is promising anarchy.

In an interview with Food Network show “NOM”, Tyree “casts down his crown” and “stands up for marriage” because that whole giant part of the Bible where it says you should love people and stop judging people isn’t as important as saying stupid things on the Internet.

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As teams from approximately 60 colleges and high schools strap broomsticks between their legs and pretend to fly to Manhattan for the 2010 Quidditch World Cup, I find myself almost shocked to tell you that the worst part of this story isn’t that hundreds of Harry Potter fans have turned this “sport” up a notch. Nope, the real mind-numbing news is that these “athletes” are petitioning for NCAA status for a game taken from a children’s book and played by hipsters and nerds. If these broom-riding Ron Weaslys have their way, Quidditch could be coming to your university in a major way soon enough. And here I thought we were trying to stop bullying.

But before we go getting too up-in-arms about this campaign, remember that it takes at least 40 universities to even get the NCAA to pay notice to a potential new sport. Still, imagine the joy on the faces of the men’s tennis team as they’re told that they can’t play anymore because Title IX requires them to forfeit their scholarships for a women’s Quidditch team. This has awesome written all over it.

Make me change my mind about this silly Quidditch nonsense, Wall Street Journal:

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