I don’t ask for much in this life, other than an ageless super model girlfriend who poops million dollar bills, but if Houston Texans RB Arian Foster could grab me about 160 yards and 4 touchdowns against the Jets’ horrible run defense tonight, that would be groovy like a disco movie.

Monday Night Football: Houston Texans at New York Jets – 8:30 PM ET on ESPN

Tonight marks the 666th edition of Monday Night Football, and of course it involves the New York Jets and Tim Tebow. I’m almost excited to hear how many horrible jokes Chris Berman makes about it in the hours leading up to kickoff. The over under is 12 bad jokes… wait, 12? Like the number of apostles? The end is here! I cast a biblical plague upon your houses!

Read the rest of this entry »

Welp, it sure ain’t as exciting as last year’s Wild Card Wednesday, when the St. Louis Cardinals made the playoffs on the final day of the MLB and went on to win the World Series. Oh, and something else happened that day with the Tampa Bay Rays winning on a walk-off home run to make the playoffs or something like that, but nobody was even watching that game. Everyone was glued to the Cardinals blowing out the Houston Astros.

Since the Cards clinched the NL’s second wild card spot last night thanks to Mark Ellis and the Los Angeles Dodgers, I guess we can pay just a little attention to the New York Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles tonight, as they could end up in a tie for first place in the AL East. You know, if that’s something that interests you.

Read the rest of this entry »

With 14 games remaining, the New York Yankees are clinging to a shocking half-game lead over the Baltimore Orioles in the AL East race. Granted, if the Yankees lose that lead, they’ll still be sitting comfortable in a Wild Card spot, but even with a loss to the Toronto Blue Jays today, New York would still be tied for first, as the O’s have the day off. Bunch of lazy jerks.

On Monday, though, the Yankees had the day off, which allowed superstar third baseman Alex Rodriguez a little “me” time to hit the town and take in some culture. Specifically, A-Rod was hitting up the museums to eye f*ck some art, as he posted the above image to his Facebook account on Monday.

What a great day off, admired lots of great art… Including this gorgeous Basquiat!

The work in question that Rodriguez was admiring is “Pegasus”, a 1987 work by famed graffiti artist Jean-Michel Basquiat, who was, of course, one of Andy Warhol’s protégés and close friends. He was also the subject of the 1996 film, Basquiat, starring Jeffrey Wright. I often told my friends that I loved that movie, but I was a stupid kid and didn’t actually understand it.

I bet A-Rod gets Basquiat, because he’s always been a classy son-of-a-gun, and to further prove that point, I actually followed him around as he admired plenty of other things on his day off. How exactly did I manage to follow him without being noticed and, as some people might point out, that I “wasn’t even in New York at any point in my life”? I learned from the master himself.

After the jump, check out the amazing sites that A-Rod spent his Monday off checking out. Also, I think the guy might be kind of a pervert.

Read the rest of this entry »

Taiwan’s Next Media Animation has really gone above and beyond with their latest effort, calmly titled, “New York Yankees 2012 season goes off the rails”. Taiwan Animation generally sticks to recapping major stories with a keen sarcastic eye for the absurdity of truth, but now they’re in the predictions game, and that game includes saying C.C. Sabathia has gained so much weight that whenever he goes to the beach “Greenpeace tries to drag his ass back into the water”. They are not playing around.

I hate the Yankees as much as the next guy, but no part of “tied for first in the AL East with the Baltimore Orioles” necessitates the entire New York infield playing with the aid of walkers or calling Derek Jeter an “overrated singles slapper”. I don’t know if these things are written by committee or just by random dudes on the Internet approached by violent strangers in pig masks a la the Saw movie franchise, but man, this is extra harsh. Consider that Tampa is five games back on September 17 and … wait, am I trying to rationalize this with stats? F**k New York and their pirate ship adventures.

If New York wins the division, I’ll expect a full retraction from Next Media Animation. I also expect it to be bat-shit insane.

In a few months, I’m going to sink into depression. It won’t be because the Miami Dolphins will be 0 and whatever and it won’t have anything to do with the Orlando Magic embarking on a 4-win season. My misery will stem from 30 Rock airing its final episode and NBC turning its back on one of the greatest comedies in TV history in favor of low hanging fruit like Guys with Kids. But that’s what happens when only a few million people tune in. The Two and a Half Mens of this world win.

One of the many – many, many, many – reasons that I love 30 Rock and consider it in the same category as Seinfeld and Cheers is because of the writing and the lines that most people don’t even hear. With 30 Rock, there’s always a main joke, but beneath that first layer is another layer and another layer, which makes each episode as re-watchable as the next. And within those jokes and layers are some of the smartest and funniest sports jokes that have ever been written for a sitcom.

I actually started working on this before Brandon started this wonderful series, and I had about 60-something scenes and jokes picked out, but I narrowed it down to my favorite moments. Enjoy and reflect, because after this season we’ll have to hope that Tina Fey and Co. take their talents elsewhere.

Read the rest of this entry »

Now that the NFL and NCAA football are back in action (BACKTION!) we understand that sports can get a little confusing, so we’re bringing back this old running feature in which we help you decide what to watch each night. This way, you won’t miss anything important, whether it be an incredibly tight and exciting American League East race or an incredibly tight and exciting Oregon Ducks cheerleader.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants – 8:30 PM ET on NBC

The NFL comes to us one night earlier than usual – thanks, Obama – as one of the league’s fiercest rivalries takes the main stage. Can Eli Manning and the defending Super Bowl Champion Giants keep momentum in their favor with a win over Tony Romo and the Cowboys’ banged up receivers? Probably. But you can discuss the game in style with our cooler cousin Christmas Ape over at the KSK Live Blog, which is undergoing a sexy makeover this season.

Read the rest of this entry »