“Shoenice” (he’s the one in the video wearing a shirt with SHOENICE across the front) is a comedian from upstate New York and a Yankees fan who has amassed a decent amount of side-eyed Internet fame for eating random sh*t — bottles of Elmer’s Glue, tampons, an entire box of crayons, etc. — and while it’s not even remotely related to sports I’m gonna quote the NEW YORK YANKEES, CRAZY FANS and COMPETITIVE EATING tags and say f**k you, it’s Friday.

This is easily my favorite video he’s ever done, 10% for the absurdity of a guy thinking this was a good or desirable idea and 80% for the hilarious commentary of his friends. Here’s a definitive list:

- “Oh myeh God, GOD DAMNehhh”
- “You’re rocking, dude!”
- “Niiice, bro!”
- “Ohson!/Oh my God!”
- “Yer da man!”
- “Woo! Woo.”

The final 10% is for visual proof that Shoenice has friends. I’m guessing he used his glue-chugging money to make these guys paid extras.

[h/t Bob's Blitz]

To celebrate her 24th birthday and status as Penthouse’s June Pet of the Month, Alexis Ford invited more than a dozen of her peers to party with her at With Leather’s unofficial headquarters, Rick’s Cabaret, in New York City. You may know Ford from her work in such adult classics as This Ain’t Jaws XXX, Cheerleaders Academy 1 and 2, Women Seeking Women 55, Captive Costume Queens and, of course, Brave Businesswomen’s Bondage Peril. I own two copies of that last one.

And while Ford apparently forgot to send a couple of invites to us, her party was ultimately the place to be, as evidenced by a little birdie telling us that one professional baseball player was quite adamant about meeting the star of Squirt Girl.

Elise added, “There was a famous baseball player who started the night in the Champagne Lounge on Rick’s Cabaret’s first floor, and he heard about the party upstairs and asked if he could meet Ms. Ford. When he met her he gave her a loving bear hug and whispered something into her ear that made her smile.”

We asked Rick’s Cabaret New York spokesman Lonnie Hanover to identify the baseball player, but he declined, saying “We respect everyone’s privacy at Rick’s Cabaret.” (Our research shows that the Tampa Bay Rays were in town against the Yankees.)

“Rick’s Cabaret Girl Alundra purred, “I got to give the birthday girl a dance and it was a thrill. Alexis Ford is so sexy. I wanted to rip her clothes off.”

I just remembered that I forgot to get my morning coffee, but I’ll have to wait a few minutes for that now. In the meantime, we can play my favorite new game: “Which Baseball Player Snuck Into Alexis Ford’s Birthday Party?”

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Love or hate the New York Yankees, you have to admit that Mariano Rivera is the greatest closer of all-time. Rivera, 42, was already putting together what could have been a swan song season to close out his career, as he’s recorded 5 saves in 6 chances, with a 1-1 record and 2.16 ERA. Instead, he could be going out more like a dying duck, as he’ll miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL.

Before yesterday’s 4-3 loss to the Kansas City Royals, Rivera was shagging fly batting practice balls in center field, like he usually does, and on a deep fly ball by Jayson Nix, Rivera turned awkwardly and twisted his knee (video after the jump). A lot of people might ask, “Why the hell was the 41-year old closer shagging fly balls in center field?” And the answer is: “Because Mo can apparently do whatever he wants.”

An outstanding athlete, Rivera fancies himself a credible center fielder, even pleading with Girardi to allow him to play center in a game before he retires. Girardi said he wanted to accommodate Rivera, but was too worried about an injury to let him go through with it.

Rivera has been a fixture in center field during batting practice, along with the other pitchers. But he always chased fly balls with more zeal and effort. (Via the New York Times)

And so begins a year of sports writers wondering if Rivera’s career is over, which we won’t know until he recovers, obviously. What we do know is that a guy like Rivera deserves better. If he’s going to blow out his knee, at least make it while he’s rescuing a basket of puppies from Skeletor. At least that’s how I’d like to go.

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I’d like to preface this story by saying I’m a diehard Cleveland Indians fan. I’ve been to Yankee Stadium to watch the Tribe play, and when I went I wore my C hat and my jersey with a big red “INDIANS” across the front. When the Tribe scored, I cheered. When the Yankees scored, I booed. At no point was beer thrown on me, and at no point was I kicked in the face and knocked over multiple rows of steps.

Here’s my theory: I am not a dumb asshole. Also, I like a team that never wins.

Per the fine cats at Deadspin:

Things heat up around the 1:15 mark when alleged Red Sox fan punches someone and a regular slobber knocker ensues. Alleged Red Sox fan clearly got the worst of it as she took a boot to the face and tumbled back over the seats. Tipster Dave informs us that Alleged Red Sox fan was taking abuse most of the day and eventually had enough. This is the result.

Please enjoy that result, which lands somewhere between “tandem skydiving” and “being elbow-deep in Kate Upton” on the list of great (and somehow horrible) moments of which I’ll never be a part:

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Yesterday, we had a pretty great discussion about the young Texas Rangers fan who cried when Mitch Moreland tossed a ball into the stands and it was caught by a couple that spent the next 10 minutes taking photos of each other with that ball. Now we actually have a couple updates to that story – of which the moral was kids need to learn early that nobody likes a crybaby – that make it so much better.

For starters, the male half of the couple that ended up with the ball is Sean Leonard, the Deputy Director of Finance for the city of Southlake, Texas. He was at the game with his fiancé, Shannon Moore (well done, bro), and he now claims that he was completely oblivious to the crying child and what was happening around him. In fact, he actually demanded an apology from New York Yankees broadcaster Michael Kay, who was rather critical of the couple for not giving the ball to the child.

“My fiance Shannon and I were honestly unaware of the situation of the little boy sitting next to us last night since we were so caught up in the excited and moment of being at our first Ranger’s baseball game together,” Sean Leonard wrote in a statement posted by WFAA.

As for Kay, Leonard said, “He took an event and sensationalized it, threw it out there, never checked or validated the facts.” (Via USA Today)

Ugh. That statement makes me hate that I’ve defended this guy.

According to this ‘bag, the couple actually offered the ball to the child once they realized what happened, but the Rangers had already given a new ball to the child, who will soon start crying every time he wants something, because people just taught him that it gets him what he wants.

Fortunately, the toddler’s parents might try to dissuade him from developing this habit. Cameron Shore’s parents took the tot on the Today show to talk about their newsworthy ordeal, and – excuse me if I come across as a little happy about this – they actually admitted that they will use this experience to teach their child that crying won’t get him everything. There is actually hope for parenting in America.

Wait, no there’s not.

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Yo, you got any other pics of her on your phone?

We’ve had some great conversations here in the past about baseball fan etiquette and, more specifically, what is right and wrong when it comes to little kids and foul balls. Last night in Arlington, we witnessed yet another classic “What would you do?” situation, when Texas Rangers first baseman Mitch Moreland flipped a foul ball into the crowd and it was caught by a couple. Seated next to that couple was another couple with a young son, who proceeded to cry like all holy hell was raining down because he didn’t get that ball.

Obviously, since I wasn’t at the game, I don’t know exactly what happened, but between Twitter and SportsCenter endlessly analyzing this incident, I have formed an opinion… Little dude needs to suck it up and be a man.

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