Meet Sporting Kansas City’s Jimmy Nielsen. He’s lying on the ground because a soccer ball touched him. In soccer. The sport where he’s a goalkeeper. The guy who stands in front of soccer balls and lets them hit him.

Juninho of the New York Red Bulls decided for whatever reason to kick a dead ball at Nielsen. It hit Jimmy in the chest, so of course he went totally limp, collapsed to the ground and pretended it hit him in the face. Maybe stopping a soccer ball is a “nails on a chalkboard” thing, or smelling your own farts. When you’re in control of it, it’s fine. When somebody else does it, it’s the end of the world, and all you can do is lie motionless until everyone involved has been removed.

Soccer, everybody. Video is after the jump.

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The spoils of an MLS title include a big trophy, medals, and a baby

Congratulations are in order for the Columbus Crew, who brought home their first-ever championship by beating the upstart New York Red Bulls 3-1 in the MLS Cup Final yesterday.  Yeah, I didn’t realize it was going on, either.

Buoyed by stars Frankie Hejduk (who scored the insurance goal) and league MVP Guillermo Barros Schelotto (three assists), the Crew earned a title that in many ways is deserved.  Not only is Columbus one of the league’s first franchises, but they also built the first stadium in America designed for a pro soccer team and have one of the more devoted fan bases in the league.  So, good for them.  It’s nice to write something pleasant about Ohio for once.

In other minor championship news, the Calgary Stampeders beat the Montreal Alouettes for the CFL’s Grey Cup.  Probably because “Alouette” is such a faggy team name.