Welcome to my day-late weekly predictions that will astound and amaze you, because they’re so incredibly tuned into to a psychic frequency that nobody else on this planet could come up with them. Since I started making predictions a few weeks ago, I’ve been right about everything. Even the stuff that might have been wrong was technically right, because I say it was. It’s not really hard being a psychic.

This week, we take a look into the crystal ball to see if David Stern really will stick to his guns and stop the L.A. Clippers from flopping, Matt Leinart can turn Carson Palmer into the perfect QB and if anyone would ever believe that Phil Jackson would even remotely entertain the idea of coaching a team as dysfunctional and broken as the Orlando Magic. SIM SIM SALABIM!

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Imagine how good they’d be if every player gave two sh*ts. (via @hockeypuckck)

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Links

Kim Kardashian’s IMDB Bio Is AMAZING |UPROXX|

Peter Berg calls Israeli interviewer a draft-dodger in probably the best interview ever |Film Drunk|

‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: ‘A Man Without Honor’ |Warming Glow|

Thor Delivers Uncomfortable News To A Radio Listener |Gamma Squad|

Jay-Z Is Joining The Music Festival Business |Smoking Section|

Mad Men Discussion: Okay, Seriously, What The Hell Did January Jones Do To Matt Weiner? |UPROXX|

High School Student Makes World’s Worst Song Great |UPROXX|

After 20 Years, Columbia University Janitor Becomes A College Grad |Smoking Section|

George Lucas & The Housing That Spite Built, in Marin County |Film Drunk|

Usain Bolt Dumped His Hot Girlfriend For One Of Several Dumb Reasons |With Leather|

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As a Washington Capitals fan, I was stoked to see them top the New York Rangers on Wednesday and force a game 7. If I had to compare it to one thing, I’d compare it to the excitement Todd Beamer felt when he decided he was ready to roll on United Airlines Flight 93. Wait, no I wouldn’t, because that would be f**king ignorant.

But here we are. CBC’s Ron MacLean intro’d game 6 by comparing Ryan Callahan and Alex Ovechkin (pictured, right) to 9/11 first responders. Somehow this game wasn’t broadcast on the Onion News Network. “They ARE like police officers, they ARE like firefighters” is especially insipid, and the reason MacLean thinks dying in a collapsing skyscraper and one game of a seven game hockey playoff are similar is “you can’t fight fire with ego”. Or “eagle”, I’m not really sure what he’s saying. You can’t fight fire with either of them, and either word makes the same amount of sense in context.

Ron should spend the rest of the playoffs saying stuff like this, if only for the publicity. He could turn CBC into the Fox News of sports. I want to see him compare Marian Hossa to Trayvon Martin.

[video via Puck Daddy]

My favorite part of NMA World Edition’s recap of the rising violence in the NHL Playoffs should be players drowning each other, morphing into literal devils and damage-dealing penguins (!) or attacking one another with rocket shoes, but it isn’t — it’s the fact that I guess Taiwanese animation doesn’t have a pre-rendered hockey helmet in their clip art so they just gave everybody motorcycle helmets. That’s amazing.

So yeah, here’s the blood and guts report from our favorite, barely-talented journalistic savants. Come for the fans high-fiving each other for getting hit with body parts, stay for the child-on-child violence.

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A brief place-setting and match listing from Travis Hughes at SBN:

Rangers coach John Tortorella and Devils coach Peter DeBoer were jawing at one another before the game, perhaps as a result of the lineup card handed in by New Jersey. Nevertheless, when the lineups came out for each team, New York had an equal amount of firepower ready:

Devils: Eric Boulton, Cam Janssen, Ryan Carter, Marek Zidlicky, Bryce Salvador
Rangers: Brandon Prust, Brandon Dubinsky, Stu Bickel, Mike Rupp, Marc Staal

That’s a good way to assure some bloodshed. The players all knew what they were out there to do, the fans knew it was coming, and everybody watching at home knew what was coming. Then, it happened.

I guess I’ve got the wrong perspective on professional sports, but what’s so bad about the New Orleans Saints setting up bounties to injure opposing players when hockey is premeditating gang fights? Hockey fights are cool and all, derp derp, but when they happen with entire teams before hockey has been played, that’s not cool, that’s unprofessional, childish, stupid, any number of negative adjectives you wanna throw at it. You’re orchestrating a situation that causes me to watch a dude’s blood splatter, and poor Sidney Crosby is standing there a few teams over with a head that barely works. None of this seems productive.

Well, maybe it could be productive. Is five-on-five MMA a thing yet?

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

16 Beautiful Photos From The NHL Winter Classic - They should bring the Winter Classic to Texas and play a game on the roof of our Whole Foods Market, or at least be forced to wear sweaters when its still 75 degrees outside in January. [Buzzfeed]

The Cowboys Season Ends In Exquisite Cowboys Fashion - Gonna be watching that Romo gif all day. It’s like something from Baraka. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

5 Reasons We’re Looking Forward To The “Watchmen” Prequels - This is the worst idea since the Tom Hanks remake of Ikiru. The problem with modern comic writers is that they absolutely cannot let anything stay good. [Gamma Squad]

The Highest Grossing Films of 2011 - I’m pretty disappointed in all of us that The Smurfs made 140+ million dollars and further validated their stupid “everything has to be updated to modern times and take place in either New York or Los Angeles” thing. [Film Drunk]

Mase Allegedly Skips Out On $35K Unpaid Jewelry Tab, Gets Sued - Mase … you know ain’t nothing changed but his debilitating limp. [Smoking Section]

Man Named Omar Little Arrested in Baltimore - This is probably the best story of all time, if only for the thought that ‘The Wire’ is real, and happening concurrently to our lives at all times. And if Omar can get arrested, that means Bodie is still around! [Warming Glow]

Child Actors: Then & Now - These lists are always fun and exist for two reasons: 1. To remind us how hot Punky Brewster got, and 2. To remind us how hot Budnick from Salute Your Shorts did not get. [Buzzfeed]

Adult Swim’s Top 600 People - I can’t wait until these lists get comprehensive enough to include me. [Adult Swim]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Jay-Z - Number 11: he thinks “green berets” is pronounced like it’s spelled. [PopCrush]

Snoop Dogg to appear on The Price is Right, be the guy who always bids $420 - Drew Carey to host The Price is Right, be that guy who stands around with weird hair and laughs in a weird, unlikable way to himself the entire time. [FARK]

Ring in the New Year with 15 of the Most Slamdamntastic Dance Scenes in Cinematic History - That’s it, Pajiba, you’re grounded from creating adjectives for the rest of the year. [Pajiba]

Eight Very Realistic Movies About Parenthood - Or, more specifically, eight very realistic movies about lower upper class white parenting. This is not my childhood experience. Steve Martin never had to parent somebody in section eight housing. [Unreality]