Since defeating the New England Patriots to win Super Bowl XLVI last Sunday, the New York Giants have been celebrating like there’s no tomorrow. Game MVP Eli Manning took his obligatory trip to Disney World, Brandon Jacobs invented time travel and now lives in 1956, and the rest of the team has been attending sporting events and just flat out partying. But nobody has been a bigger star this week than wide receiver Victor Cruz. Why? Because he got to stand next to Kate Upton.

On Wednesday, Cruz joined Upton, designer Naeem Khan and some other people as they cut the ribbon to launch Fall 2012 Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York City. Last night, Cruz was also the guest of honor at the Oster Media Presents Leila Shams After-Party, of which I only know that it came after the party and was followed by the hotel lobby.

And as if it couldn’t get any greater for Cruz, he’s also being rumored for an invite to join the next season of Dancing With the Stars instead of Tim Tebow. Don’t worry, Tim, there’s always Celebrity Apprentice. I suppose it’s also worth noting that this should add a ton of pressure to the Giants’ offseason, because Cruz wants to get paid, and Giants GM Jerry Reese understands that.

“Every year there’s a guy that comes out of the shadows on different teams. That’s the beauty of the personnel in scouting. You go out and some guys like that fall through the cracks. You only have seven rounds. Those kinds of guys would probably get drafted [in] the old days. I think Rosie Brown got picked in the 27th round. If you had 27 rounds those kinds of guys would definitely get drafted, but you only have seven rounds now. So some players like Victor, with a couple redeeming qualities that some of our scouts like, would probably get drafted at some point in a draft in you had that many rounds. But it’s only seven rounds. So it’s not an exact science. Every year there’s a guy like that and there are plenty of guys who are in the Hall of Fame, but they didn’t get drafted.”

(Via The NY Times)

Luckily, I majored in BS as a Language back in college, so I know that translates to: “Look, dude – can I enjoy this whole Super Bowl thing for a minute or two before you go dumping in my Cookie Crisp? Sure, I want to pay Cruz but we’d also like to keep Mario Manningham. Whoever’s cheaper, you know? In the meantime, Cruz can just have fun hanging out with Ashanti at night clubs and we’ll take care of it when I’m done flicking quarters off a Polynesian dancer’s abs.”

Or something like that. I’m a little rusty.

[Banner via Getty]

It’s hard to deny that there wasn’t New York fever this week, between the Giants winning the Super Bowl on Sunday and the Knicks winning three in a row thanks to the out-of-nowhere excitement provided by guard Jeremy Lin. But football is over and now is the time that we focus on the most important thing in our lives – the NBA regular season. And thanks to Lin’s exciting play this week, there’s finally something for fans of New York basketball to be happy about. You know, if they can ignore that whole 11-15 record.

Will Lin continue to thrill and wow the New York crowds all the way to a NBA Championship? No. That’s absurd. But is there a certain delightful quirk about watching a Chinese point guard dunking all over the pathetic Washington Wizards? You bet your six demon bag there is. This is an all inclusive weekly feature, though, and we have a lot to cover with little attention span to devote. For starters, did you know that Rihanna has become quite the Los Angeles Clippers fan this season? It’s true.

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I almost said “jumpshots”. Whew!

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Links

Event Recap: NY Giants Super Bowl XLVI Victory Celebration - The best part was when Mark Sanchez showed up. At least that’s what I assume happened. [Smoking Section]

Funny, Sexy And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - Be sure to check out my cameo in yesterday’s cosplay gallery. Yes, I am nerdy enough to be Hooded Justice for Halloween. [Gamma Squad]

Lindsay Lohan Is Taking This Modeling Thing Seriously - … or at least she’s settled into a nice position as “lady with big boobs who smokes and people take pictures”. There are entire fetish tubes for that. [Smoking Section]

Ten TV Relationships That Should Never Happen. Ever. - I don’t agree with this list. I think Jim absolutely SHOULD cheat on Pam with Vanilla False Pam and become the Big Bad of the show. [Warming Glow]

Trailer: Bourne’s Legacy Gets Renner’d - One day America’s gonna wake up and say “oh my God, Jeremy Renner’s face“. [Film Drunk]

10 Morphing GIFs That Will Have You Seeing Double - This gallery has really spot-lit the fact that Orlando Bloom’s head is the size of a lima bean. [UPROXX]

25 Animals Who Think They’re People - Be the baby, kitty. BE THE BABY! [Buzzfeed]

The Funniest Anti-Gay Counter-Protests - If you hate gay people enough to make a condescending posterboard sign about it, stop picketing funerals and go to a pro wrestling show. [HuffPost Comedy]

Movies That Should Get the 3D Treatment - This should be a link to a blank white page. The only movies that should exist in 3D are Hugo and that Jaws movie coming out in 2015. [Adult Swim]

Nazi Moon Film More Popular Than Angelina Jolie - That’s a solid headline if I’ve ever read one. [Moviefone]

The Best Films You Never Want To See Again - Sorry, Pajiba, I want to see The Godfather at least several more times. Part II as well. Part III I could live without. [Pajiba]

The Phantom Menace Sucks, But These Posters Don’t - They didn’t finish the headline: “…Do Anything To Make Me Want To Pay To See It Again”. [Unreality]

The Girl Who Loves to Eat Plastic Will Haunt Your Dreams - /glares [Brobible]

This video is The Internet in real life.

Think about it. It’s Sunday night and the New England Patriots have just lost the Super Bowl. Because you’re a Guy On The Internet, you think it’s an awesome idea to find a place with a bunch of Pats fans and troll them. In real life, that’d involve you putting on a Victor Cruz jersey, going to the UMass campus and giving everybody the finger while you salsa dance.

And, just like on the Internet, people get upset. You get threatened, and eventually somebody sucker punches you. You get dragged away (banned, whatever), the whole thing is recorded and spread around and a guy dressed like a banana is there for some reason. If you added Brazzers ads and a super loud thing telling me I’ve won a free iPad, that’s the f**king Internet, right?

The moral of the story is this: don’t be that guy on the Internet, whether you’re on the Internet or not. Better yet, don’t be the drunk Masshole who yells RRRRIOTTT when a riot might almost be happening.

[h/t Sportress by way of SportsGrid]

The best part of this is the “this isn’t real, someone is moving the baby’s chin” “of course it’s fake but it’s still a funny movie!” exchange in the comments. Second best part is that a viral video has been born of a guy hitting his baby in the throat.

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Links

Nike Basketball’s Black History Month Collection - If someone asks you, “why isn’t there a white history month?”, defriend and/or strike that person with your fist. [Smoking Section]

Six GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Surprisingly Exciting Player In The NBA Right Now - Why isn’t there an Asian history month?? (But no, seriously, this guy might be my new favorite player.) [Buzzfeed]

Girl At Giants Super Bowl Parade Can’t Wait to See Mark Sanchez - Is it Kim Kardashian? Because if it is, nobody correct her. [Brobible]

Here’s A Video Montage Of People Unplugging The TV At Crucial Points During The Super Bowl - … followed by “sh*t kids crying kids being taped by their parents because the team they like lost and love and dignity no longer exist say”! [UPROXX]

12 Famous People You Didn’t Know Were in Movies You’ve Seen - I want to know what person remembers Mumford but doesn’t remember that Zooey Deschanel is in it. How is there another circumstance for having seen Mumford? [Pajiba]

‘Can You Draw CatDog Pooping?’: 13 Fascinating Non-Celebrity Reddit AMAs - This is cool and all, but for some reason I think it’d be weirder to watch Doug poop than CatDog. And Moose from ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’. [UPROXX]

Television Sitcoms’ 10 Best Signature Dance Moves - We live in a sad, sad world where The Carlton ranks behind something from ‘Scrubs’. I may never have children. [Warming Glow]

The New Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Is Right Here And It Is Awesome - I can’t for the reboot in three years where Aunt May is like 35 years old and Eddie Brock is a gay Latina teen. Reboot! Reboot! [Gamma Squad]

This Week In Posters - Honestly? I don’t think I’ve liked a movie poster in years. The last one I bought was Let The Right One In. [Film Drunk]

The Maria Menounos Super Bowl Bikini Bet: A Retrospective - In case you missed it, please take a look at yesterday’s best torso. Mario Lopez was there! [With Leather]

Best Weatherman FAILS - Capital letters! If there’s one thing the Internet can agree on, it’s weather graphics that look like a penis. [HuffPost Comedy]

Awards Season GIFs: Get To Know The People Behind Your Favorite Internet Memes - An interview with strangers who made gifs. We’re through the looking glass, people. I wish the interview was just “So how do you know when to make gifs?” “I don’t know, I guess when I see something funny.” [Moviefone]

What you need to know, from the New York Daily News:

The 33-year-old “Extra” correspondent found herself on the losing end of a bet against her colleague A.J. Calloway Sunday after her beloved New England Patriots fell short of the Super Bowl championship.

According to the terms of the bet, Menounos had to host the show in a red, white and blue bikini – and luckily for her, a pair of warm, furry black Uggs.

If Calloway had lost, he would have had to don a Patriots cheerleader outfit.

(If Mario Lopez had lost, he would’ve had to have kissed Calloway on the mouth, which he would’ve hated.)

What you’re looking for: Pictures and video of this, because Maria Menounos is awesome to look at. Well, look no further! Thanks to With Leather you won’t have to take two seconds to type “maria menunous bikini bet” into Google (and 30 or more trying to spell “Menounos”) — we’ve got video, high-res photos and a MIDI of Elton John’s “Candle In The Wind” playing in the background throughout.

(note: MIDI pending)

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