"I'll take a lap grind for the boy and a couple nips on the foot for me."

It seems like a pretty slow Tim Tebow news day, what with the big hubbub around the New York Jets’ new not-so-secret weapon being that he now has a sandwich named after him and he got a manicure and pedicure at MB Nails in West Hollywood on Tuesday. Man, this dude will do anything to make sure Rex Ryan names him the starter.

But our good friends at Rick’s Cabaret want to remind Tebow that Hollywood doesn’t have anything on New York City, especially when it comes to showing the former Heisman Trophy winner some love. In case you forgot, Tim, the ladies at Rick’s have offered to give you your (presumably) very first lap dance free of charge to show you just how grateful they are to have you in the Big Apple. Not like that Mark Sanchez guy who keeps asking the girls if they’re old enough to vote.

The offer still stands, Tim, so don’t let these ladies down, especially after they went out and got themselves some Tebow jerseys. They might be defective, though, because they seem to fall off easily.

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When the Denver broncos traded Tim Tebow to the New York Jets two weeks ago, the New York sports media responded exactly how we knew it would:

But beyond the made up rumors of Tebow plotting to oust Mark Sanchez like he’s the modern day Santa Anna, there has been equal, slightly-more-legitimate excitement from NYC businesses, as Tebow’s star power means that marketing and merchandising are easier than ever. As we previously discussed, our friends at Rick’s Cabaret have already offered Tebow his (presumably) first ever lap dance, and now the Carnegie Deli is giving the Jets’ backup QB his very own sandwich.

Somewhere, Mark Brunell dripped some tears on his bankruptcy papers.

The sandwich consists of pastrami, corned beef, roast beef, American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and mayonnaise piled high on white bread, according to the CBS report.

“Seventy-five years, we’ve always made sandwiches on rye bread,” Carnegie’s Sandy Levine told CBS. “This time, we put it on white bread and we used mayonnaise, not mustard. This is sacrosanct in delis, but we realize who Tim Tebow is. He’s an outstanding citizen. He’s the all-American boy.” (Via People)

I love how Levine is acting like she defied the Magna Carta by using white bread for this boring sandwich. Seriously, white bread and mayo? Does it also come with club soda and a copy of Reader’s Digest? Perhaps I can eat it in my Ford Focus while my homemaker wife gives me a handy with a rubber glove on. Regardless, the sandwich weighs four pounds and costs $22, so the excess and inflation totally nail the All-American theme.

Meanwhile, it looks like the Jets are going to be the subject of Hard Knocks again, so maybe Tebow can help Antonio Cromartie by preparing some flashcards.

Welp, my brain just started bucking. Here come those repressed memories.

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Links

Watch the Worst Church Singer of All Time - Basically the opposite of the Wharvey Girls from O Brother Where Art Thou. Also, basically the opposite of someone who will ever have sex. [The FW]

Photoshop Challenge: Liam Neeson Versus… - I will not be even 1% surprised if this leads to Liam Neeson Vs. Predator in real life. Liam Neeson should try battling his performance in Phantom Menace. [UPROXX]

STen Pointless, Expensive On-Screen Props I Need to Own - BRING ME THE HEAD OF BABY SINCLAIR. [Warming Glow]

Cross Your Fingers: Dave Chappelle & Chris Rock Could Tour Together - Just like Watch The Throne, only Kanye and Jay-Z are still relevant. Yeah, sorry, no amount of being the black friend from Grown Ups is going to make me like you again, Chris. [Smoking Section]

“Total Recall” Remake Not Very, Uh, “Total Recall”-esque - Destiny is going to be disappointed. Total Recall is one of her favorite movies. In fact, like four of her five favorite movies involve Arnold. My girlfriend is weird. [Gamma Squad]

‘I Want You to Make My Mouth Pregnant’ leads AVN ‘Clever Title Award’ - Porn guys sure do have a weird idea of what constitutes “clever”. They should give Allie Sin a Newbery medal. [Film Drunk]

Stephen Colbert’s Interview With Maurice Sendak Was Outrageously Funny - Almost as cool as the time E.B. White and Bill Watterson went on Bill Maher and yelled at each other about religion. That didn’t happen, but oh man. [UPROXX]

Top 10 Pictures Of Vladimir Putin Beating Up Little Kids - Sometimes I feel like we should just start a blog about Russia. Somehow they were less crazy as evil Soviets. [Buzzfeed]

Stick Figure Decals For Your Unfortunate Lifestyle - The “my student could beat up your a-student!” bumpster stickers for a new generation. [Adult Swim]

Gina Carano explains why sex Is like cage fighting. If this doesn’t make you a fan, nothing will - And if you aren’t already a fan, you’re one of those Cage Potato commenters who hate everything. [FARK]

Single Men Vs. Single Women In NYC - As someone swimming in beautiful alty girls in Austin, Texas, this graphic is important and useful to me. [High Definite]

We like to joke around a lot about how pathetic and obviously fake the marriage between eventual NBA free agent Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian was, but the humor goes a long way to cover up the same anger and contempt that we all share for the way these fake celebrities manipulate this country’s TV zombie audience, how it led to a colossal payday for the Kardashian Klan, and how Kim has the last laugh after only 72 days of marriage.

Yesterday, the Twitterverse erupted in an amazing response to the divorce of Humphries and Kardashian, starting with comedian Rob Delaney’s hilarious lawsuit threat and culminating with the gay community vilifying Kardashian’s greed in terrible economic times and her indifference to the people who are legally unable to treat the institution of marriage with respect. While that’s all fine and dandy, I just wanted people to pile on and make fun of these spectacular fame whore losers until the weight completely crushed this empire.

Thankfully, someone came through. Some wonderful person posted an ad on Craigslist yesterday for a public vigil to mourn this divorce. And you bet your ass people showed up and made this one of the most spectacular moments of the year.

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Back in July, fans of the San Diego Padres gathered at Petco Park as they hoped to break the world record for the longest costumed dog parade as part of the organization’s annual Dog Days of Summer promotion, which allows fans to bring their pooches to the ballpark. Not only did they end up setting the world record, but they created a new sensation for dog owners across the country. For some reason, people really want to break the record for most costumed dogs in a parade.

Dog owners in Cleveland made their best effort this past weekend and they unfortunately fell short. Hell, a guy in Pittsburgh even tried to set the individual record for most dogs walked. Alas, there is controversy in this canine competition, as a Long Beach, CA man believes that he has already bested the Petco effort and will gladly do it again.

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Links

The 15 Most Absurd Lyrics from Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV - My favorite link of the day. I love it when we can take a step back and say “wait a minute, ‘hey fat fellow with the hair colored yellow’ is a terrible song lyric, why do I like this song?” Bar-tennen an shreppin babeh! [Smoking Section]

Football Guys - Mr. Jon Bois picks up our Deadspin feature from years ago and does something productive (arguably) with it. I am absolutely going to write one of these soon, per the terms of our licensing deal. Also included in the deal: I get Jon’s Sega Genesis. [SBN]

This Week in Movie Posters: Sean Astin Is Doin Great - I wanted to write that there is no movie in the world I’d like to see less than Three Musketeers, but then I got to the Puss In Boots 3D poster. Buzz, your Every Movie Being Released … woof. [Film Drunk]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/29 - Included here to make sure you read it before The Best And Worst of WWE Super Smackdown Live goes up a little later. Beth Phoenix in a corset top is in the header, so at least click the link and see what that’s about. [With Leather]

Costco Sells 14 Pounds of Guy Fieri’s Meat - I don’t think Guy Fieri has a single bodypart that weighs less than 14 pounds, and that includes his sunglasses. He’s probably the pleeb leaving me “you like vegan cookies ew gross” comments. [Warming Glow]

That $25 Computer Can Run Quake III - This seems impressive at first, but yeah, even calculators these days come loaded up with Angry Birds. My picture frame can play Excitebike, who cares? [Gamma Squad]

Iron Maiden Frontman Flying People Stranded by Irene Out of NYC - with SINISTER MOTIVES, no doubt. If the guy from Iron Maiden called me up and offered me a plane ticket, my first 300 questions would be “why are you calling me”. [UPROXX]

HIV Case Shuts Down Porn Industry - In a related story, does anybody personally know Allie Sin? If porno is gonna have a lockout, I uh, want to hire her as my housekeeper. [Film Drunk]

The 12 Most Annoying Types of College Students - #13, “all college students”. I hated college students when I was in college. [Buzzfeed]

Great Bands That Overcame Crappy Debut Albums - Even more impressive is Incubus, who have survived despite releasing seven crappy albums. [FARK]

10 Professions Tim Tebow Should Consider Instead of Football - Tim Tebow is going to end up running for President one day, isn’t he? There you go, calling it right now. President Tebow is going to happen, and OH MAN are the abortion jokes going to be non-stop. The Smoking Jacket]

Daryl Hannah Got Arrested at the White House - Obama should’ve slammed her face into the toilet and squished her eyeball with his foot. [Moviefone]

5 DC Comics Characters That Would Be Awesome on the Small Screen - As dorky as I am, part of me wants comic book people to spend the next 20 years making comic books good again so when we make movies and TV shows about them they don’t have to be terrible. Like, imagine how good Captain America would’ve been if Cap had been cool since like 1986? [AOL TV]

Hey! It’ that Woman from that Show! You Know the One. Her. Yeah! Her! - Did you know that actresses often appear in more than one thing? I didn’t, so this was especially eye-opening to me. [Pajiba]

Meet the Girl Who Only Cosplays Zelda Characters - Or, “get excited about this girl who probably wouldn’t be cute if I didn’t want to put it in Saria so bad”. Tell her to dress like Ganon and we’ll talk. [Pajiba]