"You owe that dude $2,000... that guy gets $500... and that guy killed Favre, so he gets a zillion."

St. Louis Rams defensive coordinator Gregg Williams won himself a free trip to New York City today, as he was hand-selected by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell as part of the league’s new contest – “What the F*ck Were You Thinking?” Williams was selected, of course, after a closed NFL investigation that had determined that Williams’ former team, the New Orleans Saints, had not been running a bounty system between 2009 and 2011 was reopened to determine that they were, in fact, running a bounty pool and that Williams may have been a bad little fibber.

As you’re probably already well aware:

The NFL said payoffs were made by the Saints for inflicting game-ending injuries on targeted players, including quarterbacks Brett Favre and Kurt Warner. “Knockouts” were worth $1,500 and “cart-offs” $1,000, with payments doubled or tripled for the playoffs.

No punishments have been handed out, but they could include suspensions, fines and loss of draft picks. Several players around the league have said the Saints and Williams weren’t the only ones with such a system. (Via ABC News)

Whether or not the Saints were the only team with a bounty system is probably going to matter very little in Goodell’s “Make an Example” system, so the Saints are probably going to deal with all that stuff mentioned above. But the rest of the media is like, “Let’s hop in Rufus’ phone booth and do some retroactive punishing, too.” Williams’ former players have been more than happy to spill the beans, as long as they remind us that they still love their big, dumb coach.

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It's okay, buddy, we'll drive down to Cleveland this weekend.

Jokes about how Detroit is poor and sad are nothing new. The area has been ravaged by an economic downturn, lower versus lowest class warfare and “people from Michigan” for years. Hell, even the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism videos end with an affirming “we’re not Detroit”, so it seems a little like kicking a man while he’s down to hear Lions cornerback Aaron Berry react to an asshole-stomping from the New Orleans Saints by telling the city he plays for to go f**k itself with a double-wide. But, here we are.

With a hobo hat-tip to Shutdown Corner:

There’s a reason we have an ATHLETES SHOULD NOT HAVE TWITTER tag. Like every unpopular tweet from a popular person, this one was taken down quickly (maybe he was hacked~) and an almost Faulknerian apology was issued. See if you can pinpoint the moment when the big WOOP WOOP hypocrisy alarms go off:

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Heading into Monday night’s matchup with the Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees needed 305 passing yards to break Dan Marino’s single season passing record of 5,084 yards set back in 1984. Brees threw for 307 yards and now stands alone – for now, as Tom Brady is sniffing his tail – as the greatest single-season passer of all-time. But the difference between 1984 and 2011 is that now we love to take a huge dump all over a guy’s big moment.

Doing most of the dumping after the Saints’ 45-16 drubbing of the Falcons were the Falcons defensive players, who claim that Brees did the birds dirty by running up the score to get his record. You know, on Monday Night Football, in the Superdome, against the Saints’ bitter rivals, and on the biggest stage of their regular season. What a dick, right? That’s the way the sports media sees it, too, starting with CBS Sports’ Pete Prisco, who thinks Brees’ record will forever be tainted.

The way I see it, what should have been a truly special moment, something that should have happened in the context of the game, and made it tainted with questions.

It won’t overshadow what truly is a special record for one of the greatest passers of this generation, even ever, but it does take some of the gloss off of it.

At first I thought this was just the typical CBS Sports blogger trying to embrace the Skip Bayless contrarian role like Gregg Doyel has almost seemingly mastered, but then I searched a little more and discovered that the feeling is shared by others. Dump away, critics.

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Hank Williams Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.

By way of Rant Sports and anyone else who watches actual sports instead of pro wrestling on Monday nights comes the latest in a string of “let’s get people Bocephus might hate to do his job” intro videos, this one spotlighting Sole Surviving Golden Girl and temporary-internet-sensation-turned-person-we’re-tired-of-seeing-in-commercials Betty White.

Betty’s entire schtick these days is that she is Very Old, and the open brings that in spades — on-field collisions are compared to old folks driving, a brief discussion on the elderly Tebowing is had and at one point she calls Matt Ryan “hot”. That’s the best one, because seriously, only someone on the ass-end of 80 would say that. Also, Drew Brees set a passing record, but defenses in 2011′s NFL are forced to play like Snickers commercial Betty White so we’re gonna cover it in asterisks and move forward remembering this clip as the most important thing to occur.

You can check out the video (and a better one) after the jump.

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Links

Challenge Accepted: The Best Of Your Excited Suh Photoshops - Some of these are truly inspired, especially Suh’s size-appropriate appearance on The Price Is Right. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Funny, Sexy and Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - General Beatrix wins this for the rest of time. I’d marry that girl if I thought she actually knew who that is. [Gamma Squad]

The Best Burger King Commercial Ever - You know what? Even I want to eat Burger King after watching this. [Warming Glow]

Holzerman Hungers - I wouldn’t eat anything on here (except the bean curd, pending), and he probably wouldn’t touch quinoa with a ten foot meat pole, but Tom Holzerman is a friend of the site and he wants you to check out his new food blog so we’re helping him out. [Holzerman Hungers]

GWAR Reviews War Horse - I don’t seem like the kind of guy who’d be into GWAR, I know, but sh*t, I’ll watch them review anything. And fight Tracy Smothers. [Film Drunk]

Run DMC’s ‘Christmas In Hollis’ Done In Emoticons - God bless you, internet. [Smoking Section]

Hungry African Bull Frog Not Amused By Smartphone Video Game, Enacts Vengeance - Sometimes I don’t have a blurb to write, and it’s because of titles like this. The guy trying to trick a damn frog deserved to lose a finger. [UPROXX]

MMA Video Tribute: The 25 Most Brutal Finishes Of 2011 - The koppo kick is probably my favorite thing in the world. Also, watching Anderson Silva nonchalantly kick guys in the chin never gets old. [Cage Potato]

Drew Brees, The Passing Record He’s About To Break, And What A Monster Season Looks Like - One day I’m going to sit Jon down and make him teach me how to make graphs. Then I will make so many graphs, you guys! [SB Nation]

WWE Superstars With Tiny Heads - I don’t know why this exists, but Jesus mother Mary of Joseph is John Cena’s neck terrifying in context. [Tauntr]

It’s no secret that women love baseball players, and they’re also pretty big suckers for Santa. So when you combine the two of them into one man with an engagement ring in tow, well it just flat out sucks for the rest of us. In a game that was highlighted by the year’s biggest phantom whistle controversy, the New Orleans Saints barely eeked out a 22-17 win over the Tennessee Titans. But one of the Titans cheerleaders made the only worthwhile headline when she agreed to marry Santa.

During their halftime routine of gyrating hips, Janae Kram was a little creeped out by the pervy St. Nick approaching her, until he revealed to her that he was her boyfriend and Washington Nationals minor league pitcher Ben Graham. Meanwhile, every kid at that game is still crying.

“I was trying to keep my cool and do the performance,” she said, “They were telling me [before the performance] that Santa was going to do something and it could be a little embarrassing, so I was thinking the old man is going to dance with me. When I looked over and saw Ben it was really exciting.”

(Via WKRN News with video of the proposal and their reactions.)

Kram is also an aspiring actress and we certainly wish her luck in her entertainment career, as she is marrying a Single A pitcher with a 4-4 record this year. Start saving, kids!

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