Pepsi had been teasing its newest superstar commercial with the boy group One Direction and New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees for a few weeks, so it wasn’t like we didn’t know this was coming. Once the full commercial actually hit, most people were still a little surprised to see the man so powerful that even Oprah couldn’t wipe a birthmark from his face hamming it up with Simon Cowell’s latest gaggle of cash machines.

But Brees is a family guy, so this is hardly a surprise, and judging by the reaction of One Direction fans on Twitter (don’t go look for yourself, just trust me) this is actually a potentially huge bonus for the Saints and the NFL, as millions of teenage girls may suddenly become fans because Breesus let Harry or Niall or whoever share a can of Pepsi. If that’s the case, it’s only a matter of time before One Direction is announced as the Super Bowl halftime show.

As if it wasn’t hard enough for me to get “What Makes You Beautiful” out of my head. Damn catchy paint-by-numbers pop music. Anyway, about that commercial…

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At some point after the New Orleans Saints evened their preseason record to 2-2 despite the fiery hell wishes of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, Lance Moore made a decision. The oft-promising 28-year old receiver stood in front of his locker, stared at something he picked up at an LMFAO garage sale and thought, “Yes, this is the outfit that I’d like to wear to address the media tonight.”

Meanwhile, 1,100 miles or so away, Colby Rasmus was asking himself what he could do to break out of the humiliating slump that he’s currently enduring for the Toronto Blue Jays. Unfortunately, on Saturday, Rasmus went 0-for-3 and struck out 3 times, as the Blue Jays lost to the Baltimore Orioles, 8-2. At some point prior to that goose egg, Rasmus thought to himself, “Corn rows, that’ll end this 1-for-40 misery. Yes, corn rows.”

So obviously that begs the most important question of the day – who did it worse, Moore or Rasmus? Let’s examine.

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In the least surprising news of the month and possibly year, suspended New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma is still super pissed off at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for making him the poster boy of what was lazily dubbed “Bountygate”. For a refresher, the league banned Vilma for a year – as well as Gregg Williams for eternity and Sean Payton for the season, among others – because of a cooler full of evidence that was delivered to the NFL by George Bluth’s former secretary Kitty, if I’ve understood this whole thing correctly.

Vilma has since called baloney on Goodell, as has Drew Brees and other Saints players, but Ol’ Iron Fist Goodell ain’t care. So Vilma has now responded in the most drastic manner possible – he banned Goodell from his Miami BBQ restaurant, Brother Jimmy’s. How serious is Vilma? He hung a sign in the window.

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Brees with a bunch of guys the Saints also didn't want to pay.

As a person who can tell you with little hesitation how to properly operate a Coinstar machine, I have very little sympathy for athletes when they don’t get the deals they want. But in the case of Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints, I’m siding with their franchise QB and telling Tom Benson with a very stern finger-pointing: “Get a damn deal done already.”

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, the Saints have had one hell of a terrible offseason with the whole thing-I-refuse-to-call-Bountygate scandal. Now they’re being investigated for violating the no-contact policy at OTAs, and that can all take a backseat for a few minutes if Saints fans just get the news that their beloved Brees is coming back for a few more seasons.

So what’s the f*cking hold up, fellas?

According to sources, before this week, the Saints’ last offer had been close to $19 million per year over five years, and Brees was asking for about $20.5 million per year.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reported this week that Brees was asking for $20.3 million per year. It’s not clear if that was a new offer or just a different figure on the old offer.

The prediction today is the same as it has been for months. The sides ultimately will agree on a deal that will make Brees the highest-paid player in NFL history, surpassing the $19.2 million per year the Denver Broncos gave quarterback Peyton Manning earlier this offseason. (Via NOLA.com)

Okay, I’m gonna play Devil’s avocado here for a second – 5 years? The highest paid player in NFL history? Look, I love Brees. Always have. It still kills me that the Miami Dolphins chose Daunte Culpepper over him. But I will happily point out that he’s been the benefactor of a stable of awesome receivers these past few years. Yes, he means so much to the city, but the HIGHEST PAID PLAYER IN HISTORY??? He’s 33-years old!

But if the Saints don’t pay up, I have a feeling Brees will be just fine with his new sandwich shop. There’s always money in a sandwich shop.

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Trust me, folks – I hate talking any level of politics on this here sports humor blog, but sometimes I just can’t help but slap my forehead at the time management of our great nation’s elected officials. Today’s tale of “WTF, politicians?” comes from Louisiana, where state senators have voted almost unanimously to demand that the NFL reconsider the punishments handed down to the New Orleans Saints for their role in BOUNTY GATE: THE GATE THAT INVOLVED BOUNTIES™.

Back in March, Rep. Cameron Henry, a Republican from the fine parish of Jefferson, introduced House Concurrent Resolution 50, which basically says that the NFL was wrong to fine the Saints half a million and suspend coach Sean Payton for the year. The bill passed 28-1 and now the Louisiana state legislature demands action by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, or else they will not show their tits for beads. I think that’s how this works.

“There is widespread public opinion throughout the state of Louisiana and beyond that the penalties imposed upon the Saints are too harsh and should be reconsidered,” the resolution says.

Henry’s resolution says that the suspensions “will likely have a negative economic impact across the Crescent City and the state as a whole.” (The Times-Picayune via Pro Football Talk)

Look, I may not be some fancy, big city slicker lawyer type, but I have watched a football game or two in my day, and I’ve certainly enjoyed the treasures of New Orleans on a few occasions. So if I had to make a prediction of how this bill will influence the NFL commish, I’d say: 1) It won’t; B) Nah, it won’t; and III) Seriously, it won’t. But I also don’t think it will affect people traveling to the state either, because as long as people enjoy pissing money away at Harrah’s and sucking down crawfish and beignets, the Big Easy will be fine (see you in November, Cajun Boy!). Just have a few hand grenades and heckles some tourists. This whole mess will be over soon enough.

The New Orleans Saints were under investigation for running an alleged bounty program after they won the Super Bowl in 2009. The NFL was told by anonymous players that defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was urging players to injure opponents for money and the Saints knew, because they were being investigated. So maybe it was the relief of the NFL concluding its investigation with no penalty or maybe it was just extreme arrogance, but Williams kept running his bounty program, and he apparently did it while a camera was pointed at him the entire time.

According to Yahoo!, documentary filmmaker Sean Pamphilon (Run Ricky Run) was with the Saints at the team’s hotel the night before they played the San Francisco 49ers in their divisional playoff game. The Saints went on to lose that game 36-32, possibly because Williams wasn’t clear enough with his innuendos and hand signals.

Hold on, I think I have an artist’s rendering of Williams’ reaction to this…

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