If NBA ownership was decreed based on thoroughness of beard, this guy would own the entire league. He’s Him (so let him do it).

And now, a few links about another guy with a beard. Stories unrelated.

Links

’80s Sitcom Predicted Year of Gaddafi’s Death - I’m going to pitch the idea for a Nostradamus sitcom and predict like 100 things in every episode, then enjoy a resurgence in my show’s popularity 20 years later when the sh*t happens to be true. ‘Oh no, Sheldon, George Lucas died! This is the saddest thing to happen in 2028!’ etc. [Warming Glow]

The Guy Who Found Gadhafi Was Wearing A New York Yankees Cap, Has The Dictator’s Famed Golden Gun - And now he can kill your playoff hopes in one shot. [UPROXX]

Best Twitter Reactions To The Death Of Muammar Gaddafi - I hope his name being spelled differently in each of these three links was on purpose. Here’s a fourth: Chudoffy! [Buzzfeed]

Awesome People Hanging Out With Bill Murray - Muammar doesn’t show up on this, although he probably should. Bill Murray rules, and I’d sell my soul for one of those Fantastic Mr. Fox characters. [UPROXX]

Zombie Barbie: Finally A Barbie Doll We Can Support - Our culture needs a new funny occupation, as zombie, ninja and pirate are all extremely played out. Butcher, maybe? Butchers can be funny. [Gamma Squad]

The Curious Case Of Derrick Rose - The NBA Lockout is just like Benjamin Button. Nothing’s happening, but it’s taking forever. [Smoking Section]

Game Over, This is the World’s Greatest Baby Costume - It is pretty great. I think blackface works when you make it a luchador mask. [Film Drunk]

Walt Disney’s Sin City: The Mash-Up You’ve Been Waiting For - Still not as good as Frank Miller’s Sim City, created right around the time I gave up trying to be creative on the Internet. [Gamma Squad]

The Dugout: World Series 2011 Game 1 - Speaking of not being creative, this Dugout needs your traffic and comments. Elvis Andrus! [The Dugout]

Forget Drunkorexia, Olivia Munn Is Into Drunkersize - Maybe she should get into Drunk Acting Classes so I can like her for something besides boobs and freckles. [FARK]

TV-Inspired Halloween Costumes - My TV-inspired Halloween costume this year is better than all of these, pending me being able to pull it off. After the awesome costumes of 2009 and 2010, I’ve got a lot to live up to. [AOL TV]

Five Horror Film Curses You’ll Swear Are Real - You know, I swear these five horror film curses are real. [The Smoking Jacket]

*I was very disappointed that CBS Sports used “Bulls on Parade” as their headline this morning. Might have ruined my day. Thank goodness for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Chicago Bulls 116, Indiana Pacers 89 (Series: 4-1 CHI)

The Bulls finally stopped teasing the poor Pacers with close games and promises of home-cooked breakfast and gave them their bus fare and sent them home. Josh McRoberts was ejected for the Pacers in probably the most exciting non-Bulls scoring highlight, but if you’re going to swing on Joakim Noah at least connect with him so some of us can smile a little.

Derrick Rose was supposedly in a walking boot this week and hampered by – and I believe this is a medical term – a boo-boo on his ouchy footy. But he still dropped 25 on the Pacers to give the Bulls some much needed rest before they find out who they’ll be playing in Round 2. And it’s going to be the Atlanta Hawks.

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What is it about pregnant ladies that makes athletes want to punch them so badly? Brian Giles of the San Diego Padres (allegedly) slapped his pregnant girlfriend in the face, shook and kicked her, and battered her into a miscarriage. This was caught on alleged video tape, where we could allegedly watch him do it. Elijah Dukes has been arrested for pretty much everything, including “aggravated assault on a pregnant woman.” I ain’t even bullsh:tting. And now Lakers rookie forward Derrick Caracter has been arrested in a House of Pancakes for getting drunk and hitting a pregnant waitress in New Orleans.

A report from the New Orleans Times-Picayune shares the details.

Derrick Caracter, 22, was arrested about 1:18 a.m. Sunday at the IHOP in the 800 block of Canal Street, said New Orleans Police spokeswoman Shereese Harper.

Caracter, a 6-foot-9 forward who was in New Orleans for the playoffs series, was drunk and acting disorderly inside the restaurant, police said.

He “started grabbing and pulling” a pregnant waitress, prompting the manager to go outside and flag down a police officer, Harper said. The female officer tried to defuse the situation, Harper said, but Caracter remained obstinate. The officer arrested him.

In terms of sports, Caracter hasn’t played a second in the Lakers’ series against the Hornets, so his arrested and hopefully ensuing shame won’t change anything for the team. In terms of everything else that matters in the world, Jesus Christ, dude, how awful of a human being do you have to be to hit a woman, much less a pregnant woman, much less a pregnant lady stranger at the IHOP? I’m not being Jay Mariotti here, I’m actually concerned.

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Last night’s NBA Playoffs action was pretty much business as usual, so I’ll be light on controversy and superstar accusations today. I’ll have more tomorrow, of course, but right now we’re in the clear.

Oklahoma City Thunder 106, Denver Nuggets 89 (Series: OKC 2-0)

League officials admitted that referees should have called interference on Kendrick Perkins late in Game 1 between the Thunder and the Nuggets, on a tip-in that gave the Thunder the lead. While you could argue that the Nuggets lost Game 1 on their own, though, there is absolutely no arguing about Game 2. OKC just absolutelty pwned the Nuggets 4 realz LOL.

Kevin Durant led the way with 23 points as one of five Thunder players in double scoring. Goat of the game goes to Wilson Chandler, who countered Ty Lawson’s 20-point performance for Denver with just 4 points on 4 free throws. Somewhere Carmelo Anthony just smiled… and allowed six baskets.

Los Angeles Lakers 87, New Orleans Hornets 78 (Series: 1-1)

What a snore fest. Chris Paul and Trevor Ariza combined for 42 points for the Hornets while the rest of their team must have purchased new cellular plans, because they were phoning it in. *bowtie spins*

Even worse, Kobe Bryant was 3-for-10 with just 11 points and Pau Gasol chipped in just 8. The Lakers’ big sparks were provided by Andrew Bynum’s 90-year old knees and Lamar Odom, who is fresh off of winning the NBA’s Sixth Man Award, which we’ll hear plenty about on his new show Khloe & Lamar, currently airing in the ninth level of Hell.

San Antonio Spurs 93, Memphis Grizzlies 87 (Series: 1-1)

Each of Memphis’ starters scored in double figures last night, but the return of Manu Ginobli was enough to get the Spurs back to even in this series. Why was Ginboli out? I assume it was some sort of flopping injury but I’m too lazy to look. His 17 points led the Spurs, though, so he gets a cookie for that.

Zach Randolph finished with just 11 points on 5-14 shooting, while OJ Mayo and Shane Battier combined for just 8 points off the bench. Said Mayo, “Come on, have you watched me play this season?”

During Sunday’s game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets ran into Ramon Sessions, hitting his head and going down on the floor. It was eerily similar to what happened to Marquis Daniels about a month ago, who is out for a while now.

It was later reported that Paul suffered a concussion, which doesn’t seem that bad considering all the medical stuff he was put in when he got carted off the court. I’m no doctor, but I wish I was one so I could get a ton of money. It seems like a lot of work though. Hope you didn’t caught looking at that (arguably ineffective) curveball I just threw. Call me Joba Chamberlain. Yes, I AM going to make finger-guns after I finish writing this.

Video after the jump.
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It was reported last month that Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen had sold a considerable amount of stock (an epic buttload, I believe is the technical term) as a precursor to buying the Charlotte New Orleans Hornets and moving them to Seattle. While that story has seemingly stalled, it appears that another billionaire software developer also has visions of purchasing and moving the Hornets, and this time it’s Oracle CEO Larry Ellison. And right about now I feel pretty stupid for playing Number Munchers instead of paying attention in my middle school computer classes.

According to Forbes, Ellison is still motivated to purchase a NBA franchise and move it to San Jose, California, after his quest to purchase the Golden State Warriors failed last summer. Ellison also reportedly tried to buy the Hornets last month, but he was outbid by the NBA, which paid around $300 million for the team. Ellison is now apparently willing to pay $450 million. $150 million more. Must be nice.

Say it ain’t so, San Jose mayor Chuck Reed…

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