If you can make it through the diarrhea noises and ‘Silent Library’-style snickering going on in the background, you’ll enjoy this video of Montreal Canadiens defenseman Hal Gill suffering the worst insult known to man: a fat kid from New Jersey pointy middle finger.

And it’s not just the finger … it’s the hate-fueled glare of a time-displaced Chaz Bono, unable to handle the 2-1 Habs victory over the Devils. Maybe he is the devil, or at least some sort of ominous harbinger of doom, and poor Hal woke up the next morning covered in boils.

Kids yelling curse words and flipping people off give me the worst case of secondhand embarrassment ever. When I was a kid I would’ve gotten grabbed with one hand and punched in the face eight times with the other if I’d delivered bird to someone in front of my parents. Then again, I didn’t have the kind of parents who’d allow me to grow up rooting for the Devils.

[via Buzzfeed]

UPDATE: The NHL just rejected the deal. These clowns couldn’t run a laundromat…

If you haven’t heard about this business with Ilya Kovalchuk and his free agent deal, it’s time that you did. It’s not a “scam,” but rather, it’s a triumph of awesomeness, of one team doing everything it takes to re-sign its best player. And if it hadn’t happened in the NHL, it would have been as big a free-agent signing as LeBron and that other guy.

The Devils are set to announce that they have signed Kovalchuck to a 17-year $102 million deal at 1 p.m. today. The contract is the longest in NHL history.[..]

Kovalchuk had previously turned down a 12-year $101 million offer from the Atlanta Thrashers earlier this year, after which they traded him to the Devils. Atlanta fans are sure to be frustrated when they find out he signed for only $1 million more (spread out over five more seasons) with New Jersey. However, Kovalchuk’s motive is sure to be that he is positioning himself for a chance at the Stanley Cup. –Forbes.

I hate to go on a free-market rant here, but I hate hate HATE the salary cap. Look, if you don’t want to play your personnel market value, then don’t, but don’t whine about how your poor franchise is losing money while you’re playing your games in an arena that you didn’t pay for and TV contract that pays out out the ears. Aw, no, we can’t compete with the Yankees! The world needs ditch diggers, too.

Here’s a news report of a stabbing that happened after a busload of Philadelphia Flyers fans returned home from a road trip to see their team play the New Jersey Devils. And you’re not going to believe this, but a fight broke out. Between Flyers fans and Flyers fans.

It is unclear why some of the occupants of the fan bus expected trouble upon their return, but according to police, when [an] off-duty cop showed up at the bus’ final destination, at the Arena Bowling Alley on Roosevelt Boulevard near Rhawn Street, he saw a group of 10 to 15 men waiting for it to arrive.

When the bus pulled up shortly after midnight, three to four of the men who were waiting attempted to board the bus, police said.

The off-duty officer got out of his vehicle and, as he did so, the men trying to get on the bus instead ran towards him and began kicking and punching the officer, Northeast Detectives said.

After verbally identifying himself as a police officer, the off-duty cop grabbed a hold of one of the men and held him against his car while the others continued to beat the officer, police said.

Meanwhile, the cop’s brother and the other fans got off the bus and engaged in a verbal dispute with the opposing group, according to police.

During the course of the argument, the cop’s 28-year-old brother was stabbed once in the chest and once in the back by a man in a Flyers’ jersey, Northeast Detectives said.

There were two stabbings in all. Neither man stabbed was identified in the original Inquirer report. It was a crazy, bizarre way to end a bus trip. At least, to me it was. It’s just another walk in the park for Philly Sports Fan. via, via.

ASYLUM POLL: What city has the most dangerous sports fans?

It’s bad enough that New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur is getting his ass handed to him in his divorce prodeedings. Now he’s getting caught trying to sneak out of work early. Granted, it was all of two tenths of a second early, but in These Trying Economic Times, one really needs to stay focused on finishing out the day. Straight outta Compton:

Carolina Hurricanes defenseman Dennis Seidenberg… returned to the lineup on Tuesday night and played a role in the first and fourth goals — the latter was scored by Jussi Jokinen with 0.2 seconds left in regulation — as the Hurricanes evened the best-of-7 series at two games apiece with a wild 4-3 victory at the RBC Center.

“I felt it right away … it hit my skate and then I saw it in the net,” Jokinen said. “I didn’t hear the buzzer so I was comfortable with the goal, but I was a little nervous with the replay. I looked at our coaches and players and asked them if they thought it was a good goal, and everybody said they didn’t know.”

Replays concluded that the puck did in fact find the net before the horn sounded. Seidenberg said afterwards he wasn’t aware how much time was left when he let it rip.

Elsewhere, the Columbus Blue Jackets are still playing the submissive against their division “rival” Detriot; the Red Wings took a 3-0 lead in their series last night. It’s not much of a rivalry when one team is perenially beaten down, is it? Vancouver actually won their series last night and eliminated St. Louis from the playoffs, unless Simon, Randy, Paula and that new girl all vote to bring them back. And Pittsburgh and AnaheimSan Jose won, and the hockey world championships are getting started shortly, but there will be no posts on that unless someone gets a DUI running over a construction worker. Hey, we know where our bread gets buttered.

On Wednesday night, the Maple Leafs’ Niklas Hagman scored the decisive goal in a shootout with the Devils, and it’s easily the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in a hockey game.  Well, the coolest thing that doesn’t involve people punching each other, or Plexiglass shattering, or a skate cutting open someone’s neck.

Hagman scored by using his skates to spray ice shavings in Martin Brodeur’s face as he flicked a backhand home, a maneuver so simple and effective (and dastardly) that I can’t believe I haven’t seen it done before.  Although, to be fair, I only watch about 40 seconds of hockey per week.  This could be happening every five minutes in every game and I wouldn’t know.

[Deuce of Davenport]

Yesterday, ESPN hockey analyst/unironic mullet-wearer Barry Melrose trashed the Devils' new arena, and added a couple digs at Newark while he was it.  Surprisingly for an ESPN analyst, it turns out his opinions were completely unfounded.  A key selection from the brutal takedown at FanHaus:

Melrose said that the area around the arena is "awful," that "the inside and the outside where it's built is pretty humorous" and warned those who dare see a game to not "go outside if you have a wallet or anything else." … [Melrose later] revealed he had not actually visited the arena yet, basing his comments on "footage aired by Canadian broadcaster TSN before the Devils' first game at the new arena last Saturday."

In all fairness, Newark is way less dangerous than it used to be.  I'll even probably end up there when rising rents push me out of New York City.  But that's just the way I roll: always keeping it real.  Why, as recently as the 1970s, my neighborhood in Brooklyn was pretty dangerous after dark.  Now, just 30 years later, I walk around the streets in brazen defiance of the wealthy white women pushing around massive strollers.  And you can bet that as soon as Newark has enough coffee shops and stylish boutiques, I'll take my mad street cred that way.  Fa real.