My favorite part of NMA World Edition’s recap of the rising violence in the NHL Playoffs should be players drowning each other, morphing into literal devils and damage-dealing penguins (!) or attacking one another with rocket shoes, but it isn’t — it’s the fact that I guess Taiwanese animation doesn’t have a pre-rendered hockey helmet in their clip art so they just gave everybody motorcycle helmets. That’s amazing.

So yeah, here’s the blood and guts report from our favorite, barely-talented journalistic savants. Come for the fans high-fiving each other for getting hit with body parts, stay for the child-on-child violence.

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A brief place-setting and match listing from Travis Hughes at SBN:

Rangers coach John Tortorella and Devils coach Peter DeBoer were jawing at one another before the game, perhaps as a result of the lineup card handed in by New Jersey. Nevertheless, when the lineups came out for each team, New York had an equal amount of firepower ready:

Devils: Eric Boulton, Cam Janssen, Ryan Carter, Marek Zidlicky, Bryce Salvador
Rangers: Brandon Prust, Brandon Dubinsky, Stu Bickel, Mike Rupp, Marc Staal

That’s a good way to assure some bloodshed. The players all knew what they were out there to do, the fans knew it was coming, and everybody watching at home knew what was coming. Then, it happened.

I guess I’ve got the wrong perspective on professional sports, but what’s so bad about the New Orleans Saints setting up bounties to injure opposing players when hockey is premeditating gang fights? Hockey fights are cool and all, derp derp, but when they happen with entire teams before hockey has been played, that’s not cool, that’s unprofessional, childish, stupid, any number of negative adjectives you wanna throw at it. You’re orchestrating a situation that causes me to watch a dude’s blood splatter, and poor Sidney Crosby is standing there a few teams over with a head that barely works. None of this seems productive.

Well, maybe it could be productive. Is five-on-five MMA a thing yet?

If you can make it through the diarrhea noises and ‘Silent Library’-style snickering going on in the background, you’ll enjoy this video of Montreal Canadiens defenseman Hal Gill suffering the worst insult known to man: a fat kid from New Jersey pointy middle finger.

And it’s not just the finger … it’s the hate-fueled glare of a time-displaced Chaz Bono, unable to handle the 2-1 Habs victory over the Devils. Maybe he is the devil, or at least some sort of ominous harbinger of doom, and poor Hal woke up the next morning covered in boils.

Kids yelling curse words and flipping people off give me the worst case of secondhand embarrassment ever. When I was a kid I would’ve gotten grabbed with one hand and punched in the face eight times with the other if I’d delivered bird to someone in front of my parents. Then again, I didn’t have the kind of parents who’d allow me to grow up rooting for the Devils.

[via Buzzfeed]

UPDATE: The NHL just rejected the deal. These clowns couldn’t run a laundromat…

If you haven’t heard about this business with Ilya Kovalchuk and his free agent deal, it’s time that you did. It’s not a “scam,” but rather, it’s a triumph of awesomeness, of one team doing everything it takes to re-sign its best player. And if it hadn’t happened in the NHL, it would have been as big a free-agent signing as LeBron and that other guy.

The Devils are set to announce that they have signed Kovalchuck to a 17-year $102 million deal at 1 p.m. today. The contract is the longest in NHL history.[..]

Kovalchuk had previously turned down a 12-year $101 million offer from the Atlanta Thrashers earlier this year, after which they traded him to the Devils. Atlanta fans are sure to be frustrated when they find out he signed for only $1 million more (spread out over five more seasons) with New Jersey. However, Kovalchuk’s motive is sure to be that he is positioning himself for a chance at the Stanley Cup. –Forbes.

I hate to go on a free-market rant here, but I hate hate HATE the salary cap. Look, if you don’t want to play your personnel market value, then don’t, but don’t whine about how your poor franchise is losing money while you’re playing your games in an arena that you didn’t pay for and TV contract that pays out out the ears. Aw, no, we can’t compete with the Yankees! The world needs ditch diggers, too.

Here’s a news report of a stabbing that happened after a busload of Philadelphia Flyers fans returned home from a road trip to see their team play the New Jersey Devils. And you’re not going to believe this, but a fight broke out. Between Flyers fans and Flyers fans.

It is unclear why some of the occupants of the fan bus expected trouble upon their return, but according to police, when [an] off-duty cop showed up at the bus’ final destination, at the Arena Bowling Alley on Roosevelt Boulevard near Rhawn Street, he saw a group of 10 to 15 men waiting for it to arrive.

When the bus pulled up shortly after midnight, three to four of the men who were waiting attempted to board the bus, police said.

The off-duty officer got out of his vehicle and, as he did so, the men trying to get on the bus instead ran towards him and began kicking and punching the officer, Northeast Detectives said.

After verbally identifying himself as a police officer, the off-duty cop grabbed a hold of one of the men and held him against his car while the others continued to beat the officer, police said.

Meanwhile, the cop’s brother and the other fans got off the bus and engaged in a verbal dispute with the opposing group, according to police.

During the course of the argument, the cop’s 28-year-old brother was stabbed once in the chest and once in the back by a man in a Flyers’ jersey, Northeast Detectives said.

There were two stabbings in all. Neither man stabbed was identified in the original Inquirer report. It was a crazy, bizarre way to end a bus trip. At least, to me it was. It’s just another walk in the park for Philly Sports Fan. via, via.

ASYLUM POLL: What city has the most dangerous sports fans?

It’s bad enough that New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur is getting his ass handed to him in his divorce prodeedings. Now he’s getting caught trying to sneak out of work early. Granted, it was all of two tenths of a second early, but in These Trying Economic Times, one really needs to stay focused on finishing out the day. Straight outta Compton:

Carolina Hurricanes defenseman Dennis Seidenberg… returned to the lineup on Tuesday night and played a role in the first and fourth goals — the latter was scored by Jussi Jokinen with 0.2 seconds left in regulation — as the Hurricanes evened the best-of-7 series at two games apiece with a wild 4-3 victory at the RBC Center.

“I felt it right away … it hit my skate and then I saw it in the net,” Jokinen said. “I didn’t hear the buzzer so I was comfortable with the goal, but I was a little nervous with the replay. I looked at our coaches and players and asked them if they thought it was a good goal, and everybody said they didn’t know.”

Replays concluded that the puck did in fact find the net before the horn sounded. Seidenberg said afterwards he wasn’t aware how much time was left when he let it rip.

Elsewhere, the Columbus Blue Jackets are still playing the submissive against their division “rival” Detriot; the Red Wings took a 3-0 lead in their series last night. It’s not much of a rivalry when one team is perenially beaten down, is it? Vancouver actually won their series last night and eliminated St. Louis from the playoffs, unless Simon, Randy, Paula and that new girl all vote to bring them back. And Pittsburgh and AnaheimSan Jose won, and the hockey world championships are getting started shortly, but there will be no posts on that unless someone gets a DUI running over a construction worker. Hey, we know where our bread gets buttered.