For the record, this is what happens to me 15 seconds into any attempt to play soccer.

Via NESN:

New England Revolution fullback [Kevin Alston] played 41 minutes of standout soccer before he was overcome by illness. He vomited on the Gillette Stadium turf in front of cameras, and onlookers were treated to an up-close view of the flying chunks.

“Unfortunately everyone saw what happened,” Revolution head coach Jay Heaps said. “It wasn’t pretty. He just went into a coughing fit and I didn’t know this before the game. So he played through a 102 temperature, and when he got hit, he went into a coughing fit that’s why he got sick. By Saturday he’ll be alright.”

All we need now is for Daniel Tosh to run onto the field with a big pixelated rectangle around his junk and we’ve got 5 minutes of a Tosh.0 episode. The Revolution went on to defeat the Colorado Rapids 2-1, but all I’ll ever be able to picture now is Garth Algar saying, “if you’re gonna spew, spew into this” and gesturing toward the field.

Yesterday while going through some old images in my “SFW” folders, I came across this photo from a recent “friendly” match between the New England Revolution and Manchester United. On the left, you’ll notice that less-than-thrilled trophy-bearer is Man. U defender Nemanja Vidic. He’s meaningless to us, because he has completely been dwarfed by that pint-sized powerhouse to his right.

I don’t know that kid’s name, nor do I know why he’s hanging out with Vidic. Bottom line – I don’t care. That kid is awesome, and I couldn’t hide my desire to turn him into our latest Photoshop superstar. Exciting soccer kid is going far, so let’s get in on the ground floor.

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Today's shaping up to be a busy day here at With Leather, and as with all busy days, I like to kick it off with a little bit of man-candy (…wait what?).  Pictured here are the New England Revolution's Taylor Twellman and Chris Albright, hard at work in Cancun as the Revs get some spring training for the MLS season by playing warm-up games against teams south of the border.

The Revolution had zero shots on goal in losing, 1-0. The only consolation is that the oceanfront Cancun hotel where the team's coaches are staying has a dispenser on the wall with upside-down bottles of tequila, rum, vodka, and scotch…

Captain Steve Ralston… insists that the trips are boring, that nobody's looking for that lost shaker of salt. "My wife's kind of jealous," he says with a grin. "She's home with three kids. I call her and tell her, 'Honey, it's not that nice here. It's been really windy. The fields are bad. The food is not that great.' "

"Yeah, the only good thing is that I'm elbow-deep in hot college poon.  I swear, these drunk bitches have got to be in heat!  Oh… miss ya honey!" 

[Blue Blooded Journo via sexy, sexy Kickette]

MLS Cup final between the New England Revolution and the Houston Dynamo.  This is partly because it started at noon Eastern, and huffing paint is better for your brain than watching NFL Countdown on ESPN.  But it's also because I'm always curious about the state of American soccer.

There are plenty of people who will never like soccer, and that's cool — I have no more business telling you to like soccer than you have to tell me I shouldn't be hot for Helen Mirren.  But the level of play in MLS is astoundingly better than it was a decade ago.  It's obviously not the skill level you see in the World Cup or the Premiership, but it kinda looks like this American soccer league is here to stay.  Sorry. 

As for game details, Taylor Twellman — who will be on the national team soon enough — scored for the Revs on an impressive header in the 21st minute, and for a while it looked like New England would get its first title after falling short in the championship the previous two years.  But the Dynamo came back in the second half, scoring an equalizer on a mess in front of the net and taking the lead on Dwayne de Rosario's header in the 74th minute.  De Rosario was named the game's MVP, even though his corn rows look totally queer.  Definitely a tough break for the New England fans.  Who else are they supposed to root for these days?

I have a weakness that I don't like to admit: I actually like soccer. I know it's not cool to say things like that, but I played (not well, mind you) for a long time, so I have a soft spot in my cold, black heart for the game.

So I totally meant to watch yesterday's MLS Cup. I might not have an MLS team, but Clint Dempsey is my favorite player, and his New England Revolution were playing against the Houston Dynamo. Well, so maybe I would only watch the first part. I mean, the game started at 3:30, and the Seahawks came on at 4:15. But then the 1:00 Jets-Pats game had an exciting finish, and I kinda spaced, so I didn't watch a second of the MLS Cup. I guess that's the appeal of American soccer, huh?

Anyway, the Dynamo won the game after it went to penalty kicks, which is something you won't learn from David Hirshey's splendid account of the game. And if you've read Hirshey's post and this one, congratulations: you have just flushed away several valuable minutes of your life you'll never get back.