“The New England Patriots are like AIDS, rape, cartoons I remember and also the latest tragedy. Laugh, everybody!”

TLDR version: Don’t let Dane Cook do anything ever.

Slightly longer version: Dane Cook is the karate of comedy. A lot of people hate him. At the same time, a lot of people love him 8 years ago. No matter what side you’re on, he’s a person of note, and is occasionally called upon to sign autographs. Sometimes a fan has a glossy 8×10 ready to go, but sometimes they don’t, and need him to sign their arm or their boob or their New England Patriots Tom Brady #12 football jersey.

Here is the story of what happens to that Dane Cook Tom Brady jersey. Via @MCEsoteric:

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The other day, New England Patriots receiver Danny Amendola Tweeted that he’d be donating $100 for every reception he recorded this season, as well as $200 for every dropped pass, to the Boston Marathon Relief Fund, and he received a mostly-gracious response. There were a few guys, though, who took offense to the Tweet and accused Amendola of being desperate for attention, and I could understand if people make the case that he’s trying to fill the big shoes of Wes Welker in terms of winning over Pats fans, but why the hell do we care? He’s awesome for doing anything.

Amendola’s new Pats teammate, Julian Edelman, and guy who should be my best friend, Bradley Cooper, also paid tribute, as they visited Jeffrey Bauman, Jr. in the hospital after he lost both his legs in the Boston Marathon bombing. Despite the intensity of his injuries, Bauman still provided the description of one of the bombers that led to today’s insane manhunt.

So people can criticize athletes all they want for being hungry for attention or seeking fame, but if that is the case, then more athletes need to seek attention, because it’s f*cking awesome when they do.

So, here’s everything you need to know: Porn aficionado, Tim Tebow f**ker and New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski went out dancing at a Las Vegas nightclub. Because he’s Rob Gronkowski, he took off his shirt and acted weird. Because TMZ is TMZ, they filmed the entire thing, posted it online and littered it with ellipses and CAPITAL LETTERS of JUDGMENT~.

Near the end of the clip, Gronk stops dancing in favor of grabbing his friend by the waist and trying to gutwrench suplex him (or something). Here’s the video, with proper analysis to follow.

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Taiwan Animation takes on Super Bowl XLVII, because of course they do. Honestly, of all the weird things they’ve done, their version of Alex Smith getting a concussion is probably the funniest ever. (via NMA)

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Links

The Jesse Pinkman Saying ‘Bitch’ Supercut Is Revised And Better Than Ever |UPROXX|

5 Shows Certain To Be Renewed And 5 Shows Certain To Be Canceled |Warming Glow|

‘The Spit & the Speculum’ among AVN’s ‘Clever Title’ Nominees |Film Drunk|

Good To See Michael Jordan Still Hanging Out With Cartoon Characters |With Leather|

New Consoles, And Four Other Awesome Things Coming To Gaming This Year |Gamma Squad|

Watch Brian Scalabrine Dominate A One-On-Three Pickup Game Like Only The White Mamba Can |Smoking Section|

Ravens Fans: Still The Worst |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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This week has already been highlighted by “news” that includes people accusing Beyonce of treason for lip-syncing the National Anthem, Manti Te’o playing the “What would you do?” game with Katie Couric, and Sheryl Crow, of all people, being dragged through the mud over Lance Armstrong admitting that he used PEDs, so I think it’s safe to say that this is quite the slow news week. But then, that’s what happens when you let those lazy football players take an extra week off before the Super Bowl.

Speaking of slow news and football players, I’m sure you’ve already read Wes Welker’s wife Anna’s less-than-favorable comments about Ray Lewis after the AFC Championship Game, in which she encouraged people to check out his lesser moments on his Wikipedia page. Of course, Anna (maiden name Burns, which means “fiery when drunk” in Irish) has since apologized, and we’ve heard very little from Lewis himself, making this almost a complete non-story.

That is, unless… yes, I think that’s… OH MAH GAWD, THAT’S LINDA HOGAN’S MUSIC!

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are you f**king kidding me

If you needed a reason to hate the Baltimore Ravens, here is a group of their fans becoming an accessory to a goddamn Carly Rae Jepsen ‘Call Me Maybe’ cover in 2013. 2013. They went with ‘Bring On Brady’ as their hook, too, which apes the “Brady sounds like maybe, let’s do a Call Me Maybe parody about him” joke somebody made eight months ago.

Was the decision-making process just flipping a coin? Heads, we do ‘Call Me Maybe.’ Tails, we do ‘Gangnam Style.’ Come on, you guys have so much to work with. I wrote like 80% of a Ray Lewis ‘Murder Was The Case’ parody in my head while anger-typing this. It’s not that hard.

Bonus points for the guy in the background being weirdly possessive and flattering himself at the same time, though:

[h/t to Larry Brown Sports]