Remember this guy? Well, he's back with more bold predictions and revelations from good sources:

Yay! The Bears swept the Pack this season. I guess that's pretty good news. The bad news is Kyle Orton looked decent today, so Jerry Angelo and the Chicago brain trust will proclaim him the undisputed quarterback of next season. In other bone-chilling NFC action, Eli Manning and the Giants' offense are trying their best to lose to Buffalo, but New York's defense won't let them. Is this a big rivalry because it's an intra-state game? Or is it a big rivalry because the teams in question play in New Jersey and near Canada? Mounties hate mobsters, and vice-versa. -KD    

the AP recap:

[Adrian] Peterson's 8-yard touchdown run, started by a shoulder-shake to fake Urlacher at the line of scrimmage, sent the Minnesota Vikings to their fifth straight victory, 20-13 over the Bears on Monday night.

"Couldn't finish," said Urlacher, who kept his sparse postgame comments to grouchy sentence fragments.

That's being awfully generous to Urlacher.  It insinuates that he has the ability to string together complete sentences.  Not that I have anything against him.  I'm very thankful to his people for discovering fire and inventing the wheel.

The Redskins beat the Bears 24-16 on the shithead NFL Network last night, and both teams lost their starting quarterback to ugly knee injuries.  The good news, of course, is that it's not like either team had any realistic hopes for the postseason.

Brian Griese came on in relief of Rex Grossman but threw two picks to go with his 295 yards.  Meanwhile, 'Skins backup Todd Collins shined, completing 15/20 passes for 224 yards, 2 TDs and no picks. And I'm sorry, but I can't write anything else about Todd Collins.  I see the words "Todd Collins" and all I want is a drink.  Which probably makes me closer to Redskins fans than I've ever been before.

There's plenty of buzz this morning about the Pats' narrow escape from the Eagles on Sunday Night Football, but you won't hear about it here — the game was too well-played to get a featured spot in the weekly examination of Who Sucked the Most.

Those honors go specifically to (a) some key players in a pair of exciting overtime games and (b) Eli Manning.  Last thing first: young Elisha showed that he still gets jittery in the pocket, throwing four interceptions in the Giants' 41-17 loss to the Vikings — three of which were returned for TDs, which made me feel great about keeping the Minnesota D safely ensconced on my fantasy bench.

Also receiving votes: Neil Rackers and the Arizona Cardinals.  The Cards wasted 484 passing yards from Kurt Warner in a heartbreaking 37-31 OT loss to the woeful 49ers.  Rackers kicked a game-winning 27-yard field goal in overtime, but a delay of game penalty nullified it, and Rackers missed the ensuing attempt from 32.  On the Cards' next possession, Warner's tiny hands fumbled the ball in the end zone, where Tully Banta-Cain fell on it to give San Fran its third win of the season (and second against Arizona).

But the hands-down suckiest loser has to be the Broncos' special teams unit.  Devin Hester had two returns for touchdowns, and a blocked punt set up another Bears TD in a 37-34 OT win for Chicago.  Dude, you just don't kick it to Hester.  Not unless you have Josh Brown kicking off.

Count me among the people who don't give a shit about Rob Bironas's field goal record.  You kicked 8 field goals?  Wow, way to bore me four times as much as the average kicker.  Don't get me wrong; it's a nice little accomplishment, and kicking the game-winner was a nice way to cap it off.  But let's be serious: nobody cares.

And now to determine who sucked most.  The Dolphins get a couple votes for getting to a perfect 0-7, but they get off the hook because everyone gets their rectum worn out against the Patriots.  Also 0-7 are the shitacular Rams, who turned the ball over five times in a 33-6 loss in Seattle.  But for all their offensive ineptitude, St. Louis still made the shitty Seahawks offense look shitty, and preserving the status quo won't win you the Suck-Off.

I've done some thinking, and second place this week goes to the Bears offense.  What a boring, shitty display of miscues they have in their arsenal every week.  And since that offensive unit put together a 97-yard touchdown drive with less than two minutes to go and no timeouts, first place goes to the Philadelphia Eagles.  You guys suck.

(All photos by Getty Images in this NFL.com gallery)

I don't know if one can really say that the Vikings' rookie running back Adrian Peterson is "greater than" the Bears' veteran RB/special teamer Adrian Peterson, but the Minnesota's A.P. (who we shall now refer to as "Adrian Peterson" or "Purple Jesus") averaged more yards than Bears' A.P. (who we shall now as "That Other Guy" or "Violet Jeebus") gained all day.  There are some former Texas high school defenses who are holding their heads a little higher after seeing what Purple Jesus did to a pro squad.  That's not to say the Bears played like a high school defense, I would say their performance was more on the Pop Warner level.  Anyway, if Peterson is the Purple Jesus, I guess that makes Brad Childress the Purple Joseph.  Do you think old St. Joe would have punted to Devin Hester?  I think he would have seeing as he wasn't that bright – after all, he did fall for that whole 'Immaculate Conception' story.

Believers of the Left Behind books can now plan for the Second Coming: Dec. 17th, Bears @ Vikings. -KD 

Photo credit: Getty Images