Robertson, a former stripper who was wooed into a one-night stand after a romantic date at Chili’s, wants to restrict Urlacher’s visits with three-year-old Kennedy because the All-Pro puts the boy in pink Cinderella diapers and paints his toenail blue.

“(Kennedy) pulls down his pants and says, ‘Mommy, look how pretty they are,’” she said of the diapers. Robertson also recalled Kennedy informing her, “Big boys paint their nails,” and said he refused to take a bath for two days to keep the blue polish on his nails from coming off…

“[Urlacher] says he can do whatever he wants,” Robertson said. “(Urlacher said), ‘It doesn’t make him feminine. It doesn’t make him gay.’”

There are all sorts of jokes to be made here, but keep in mind that this is all coming from a stripper who once tried to accuse Lord of the Dance Michael Flatley of rape.  Urlacher may be dumber than a box of shit, but Tyna is 57 different kinds of crazy.  Who cares if little Kennedy’s gay or confused about gender?  He beat some long odds just to have a functioning frontal lobe.

[KSK]

Pictured above is what’s left of Arizona State’s indoor practice facility after a flash storm with 75-mph winds tore through the Phoenix area last night.  By all reports, pieces of the newly opened, $8.4 million bubble dome were thrown across campus.

Russell Schilt, a 22-year-old ASU student, said he walked about the school’s practice facility to see the bubble roof in shreds from the storm. Schilt said he was surprised at the damage the new building took.

“The bubble dome had complete deflated,” he said.

No one was hurt, [AD] Brand said. The 103,500-square-foot facility was just completed this month…. It [was] a bubble of fabric supported by air pressure, the ASU official said.

Man what an asshole storm.  Who knew that a desert could have such harsh, unforgiving weather?

[Wired Devils/Cactus Ranch]

Here’s the new Old Spice ad where Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher confronts his nerdy youth.  Copyranter has the print ad, and he says:

While I’m neither a fan of Urlacher or the Bears or even NFL football, this (somewhat ironic) anti-weakling message will definitely play well with the mooky tough and faux-tough guys who read ESPN magazine.

Hey, who you calling mooky tough and faux-tough, buster?  I’ll kick your little nerd-bloggin’ ass! **cracks knuckles, puts ten-pound weights on bench press**

Lindsay Lohan was in Chicago for girlfriend Sam Ronson's DJ'ing gig, and whaddaya know, let's make this about sports:

Also spied dancing with an attractive blonde at Crimson Lounge: new Bears quarterback Kyle Orton — dubbed ''super-hot'' by Lohan, Ronson and [Cyndi] Lauper, who all admired the NFL player's dance-floor moves.

Sure, whatever.  In a much more important story, remember when Lindsay looked like this?  Lord, those were halcyon days.  A note to the ladies: four years of booze, coke, dick and Red Bull is not the best way to keep your youthful beauty.

[Sports Crackle Pop]

The NFL provided two DUI arrests over the weekend, forcing me to try to give a different spin on the tired "these guys are idiots" refrain. 

First up: the Bears' Cedric Benson, who tarnished his "the cops were picking on me" story in his ongoing drunken-while-boating case by getting picked up for DUI.  The details are pretty dull: cops say Benson ran a red light and failed sobriety tests, while Benson — who refused Breathalyzer and blood tests — claims he had only two or three drinks over several hours, that the light was yellow, and that he passed the sobriety tests.  Ya know, because people who take the tests are the best ones to judge such a thing.

Also hitting the blotter by driving blotto was NFL great and former Raiders quarterback Kenny Stabler, who as you can see is an old white-haired man who still goes by "Kenny."  It's at least his third DUI arrest — the others came in 1995 and 2001.  So sad.  You'd think he'd eventually get better at driving drunk.  A guy named Stabler should be able to drive more… stable-er?  Eh, that one worked better in my head.

"Saint Andrew's Net" is With Leather's daily link dump, written by the bane of respectable journos and scrupulous primates alike, Michael Tunison. Expect sports and tits.

• The Sports Point has pictures of a shirtless Vince Young dancing among other shirtless dudes. And who says he has no receivers?
• Busted Coverage has a Preakness photo essay and East Coast Bias has a handy handicapping guide. Me? I have only the advice to stay very far away from Baltimore.
• The Sporting Blog's Spencer Hall sits down with Aqua Teen Hunger Force co-creator Dan Willis, who would like to let you know "Mike Piazza needs to step up!"
• Hashmarks (via SportsbyBrooks) reports Ricky Williams was invited to Cedric Benson's arresty boat party. Sorry, Ced, alcohol's not really the drug of choice there.
• Deuce of Davenport introduces us to cheese racing. I'd like to introduce my meat racer to September Carrino. (NSFW)

 Send your submissions for Saint Andrew's Net to withleather@gmail.com

Busted Coverage returns from its latest voyage from the briny depths of the tubes with this undated photo of Kyle Orton getting blitzed in the best way he can deal with while posing with a busty young lass from a Chicago radio station.

Okay, Orton may not be any more inebriated in this photo than he is at any other time, but he's always good for looking the part. And the fact that we don't know the date of the photo won't stop us from irresponsibly positing the question of why Orton can get drunk with impunity and Cedric Benson gets popped in front of his mom.

You might say it's the white skin but in actuality authorities just plain respect a good neck beard. 

Ms. Mammaries has a few other pics with prominent Chicago sports figures, including Brian Urlacher, Michael Jordan, Lance Briggs and Alfonso Soriano, but they aren't in varying states of intoxication and she's not in varying states of undress, so it's up to you to dig through them. She may have a face for radio, but those breasts are at least good enough for a webcam feed to my computer (nudge, nudge, fap, fap).

ChicagoSports.com published this photo from the boat party where Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested for BWI and tased.  As noted  in the original post, Benson and the LCRA — water cops! — had strikingly different stories, with Benson's sounding like police brutality and the LCRA's sounding like dealing with an aggressive drunk.  This photo, supposedly taken a few hours before the arrest, shows that Benson is clearly guilty of partying with his mother (center), Sun Chips, and — the most heinous crime of all — white girls.  And, along with witnesses' reports, it's changing the way people are looking at the incident.

"I called my dad and told him, 'Call 911, my black friend is getting beaten up by police on Lake Travis,' " said Elizabeth Cartwright, 22, a friend of Benson's from the University of Texas. "It's more what I heard than what I saw. I have never heard or seen Cedric that scared."… She said her fiance also took dozens of photographs that help corroborate her claims. [...]

Cartwright, an English major at the University of Texas who is to graduate later this month, estimated she and her fiance had been boating with Benson six times this spring and each time a Lower Colorado River Authority boat pulled them over for a safety check.

One thing's for sure about this whole situation: it would be way more interesting if Benson was a semi-decent running back.

[FanIQ, SbB] 

Bears running back Cedric Benson, once a a top draft pick before blossoming into a runner who could get 2.5 yards a carry and 60 yards per game no matter what the stakes, was arrested over the weekend for boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest, the latter of which got him a faceful of pepper spray.  (Mmmmm… incapacitating.)  Benson, however, denies the charges.

According to the LCRA [Lower Colorado River Authority], an officer asked Benson, owner-operator of the boat, to do a "float" sobriety test. Detainees may be asked to follow an object with their eyes, do the alphabet and count down with their fingers. An officer said Benson failed. Authorities wanted to bring Benson ashore for more tests, the LCRA said.

Benson refused to put on a life jacket — a requirement on LCRA boats — and "presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land," authorities said. The officer arrested Benson, who kept arguing and "continued to present himself as a threat," the LCRA said. The officer then pepper-sprayed him.

Benson tells a much different story: "Even after they pepper-sprayed me, I have no idea why they did that. I was cooperative. I asked them several times why they did that, and they didn't give me an answer."

I don't really know who to believe here.  I want to throw my support behind Benson to prove I'm not racist, but the last time I took a chance on him he gave my fantasy team 60 yards a game before breaking his leg in November.  Maybe if he'd broken some tackles and scored more TDs I'd think he's innocent.  Either way, this is his penultimate headline.  He's got one more when the Bears cut him, and then we'll never hear from him again unless he does something really unexpected, like a double homicide or winning the National Spelling Bee.