It’s Katherine Webb’s ass in case you’re confused as to what Ndamukong Suh is watching. Some people might think it’s inappropriate for a man to stare at a girl’s ass like that, but when you’re Ndamukong Suh and you have a history of stomping on guys or kicking them in the balls, I’m cool if you’d rather not hurt people with your inhuman strength.

Sure, AJ McCarron probably doesn’t like Suh or any other gigantic professional athletes staring at his girlfriend, but that’s the chance we take when Brent Musberger turns them into sex symbols with his magical old pervert drool.

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I almost called him “The Ndamukong Suh Of Football.” Remember when Suh fell down and his leg just happened to float straight up into the air, find itself directly in front of Matt Schaub’s junk and kick “for stability” because it’d become sentient and detached from the rest of Suh’s body?

Meet Pepe, the hobby horse Portuguese professional footballer for Real Madrid who has similar magic nut-crushing leg problems. Here we see him getting frustrated and kung-fu kicking backwards, accidentally stomping Celta Vigo’s Soto Roberto Lago in the dick. I’m sure he didn’t meant to do it — I don’t think soccer players would ever intentionally hurt one another — but hey, sometimes your leg’s brain goes AWOL and makes it boondoggle the nearest pair of balls.

If he didn’t do it on purpose, my theory is that he was going for this:

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I once thought that a great idea for a magazine would be Haters – “The publication devoted to people who hate sh*t.” It was my billion dollar idea until I learned that things take effort and I hate that sh*t. But lately I’ve realized that my idea would have just been a knock off of the magazine that already has hate down pat – Forbes.

When it’s not busy hating people who don’t have money, Forbes is going out of its way to compile lists of people and things that we all hate. This week, it’s the annual list of the Most Hated Athletes in America. Sure, they call it the Most Disliked Athletes, but read between the capitalist lines, amigos.

So who, pray tell, are the most heinous and villainous prick athletes in all of the land, Forbes?

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If this ends up being true, it might be the greatest thing ever: during an interview with KXTG in Portland, Oregon, former Packers offensive lineman Matt Brock introduced the theory that Ndamukong Suh’s Thanksgiving stomp session may have happened because Green Bay offensive line coach James Campen told Evan Dietrich-Smith to untie Suh’s shoes. Seriously.

From the MLive.com transcript, with a hat tip Shutdown Corner:

The center, or one of his guards, he’s had like one or two starts in his career and he’s got to play against Suh. So he’s pretty puckered, right? So, he talking to James, the offensive line coach, going, “What do I do? What do I do?”

James is just in his mind going, “This guy is going to get killed. I got to take his mind off it, give him something else to do.” So he says, “Ok, every time you’re in a pile, I want you to focus on something. I want you to untie his shoes.”

He goes, “What?”

“Anytime you can, just reach in, he’s got floppy shoe laces, he doesn’t spat or anything, just untie his shoes. It will irritate him.”

He untied his shoes three times in the game. That’s why he stomped him. That’s why he banged his head on the ground and he stomped him. When (Suh) went to the sideline it looked like he was telling the coach, “I didn’t do anything” and he put his foot up like, “I didn’t stomp him. I didn’t do anything.” He was actually going, “The damn guy keeps untying my shoes.”

Two things come to mind:

1. Thank God Suh doesn’t play baseball, if an untied shoelace can set him off like that, who knows how he’d react to a shaving cream pie to the face. Roger McDowell would sneak up to give him a hot foot and get his skull crushed.

2. Suh should consider switching to velcro. You can’t tie it, and it makes an angry noise when you pull it apart.

You know, for some reason I thought Ndamukong Suh transmogrifying from the Bob’s Big Boy to humiliate the Cleveland Browns was going to be the best part of this video, but no, in the very next scene he uses a Spirit Bomb to attack Jay Cutler (which, while hilarious, doesn’t seem necessary … you had to break out the Spirit Bomb to defeat Jay Cutler?). And somewhere near the end, Suh gets put in a circus cage as punishment for killing Evan Dietrich-Smith, dismembering him and eating his bones, complete with Resident Evil 1 blood spray. A part of me wishes it’d actually gone down like that, just to see what the NFL would do.

I felt weird sharing the animated Taiwanese reports for the Jerry Sandusky thing, so I’m happy they’re back to making ridiculously-layered-with-reference mountains out of sports blurb molehills. I also love that they can animate someone being killed and eaten but can’t make the numbers on the football jerseys the right size.

"HE HAD A BUG ON HIS SHOULDER!"

For the Green Bay Packers, the Thanksgiving against the Detroit Lions was business as usual. The Packers won 27-15 and remain undefeated, while the Lions now have to worry about the fate of Ndamukong Suh, who entered the game as the overwhelming players’ consensus as the dirtiest player in the NFL. With the game still well within reach for his team, Suh found himself tangled up with Packers offensive lineman Evan Dietrich-Smith, leading to a Thanksgiving tribute to Albert Haynesworth.

Suh, as video highlights will prove until another player does something even more stupid to top it, shoved Dietrich-Smith’s helmet into the ground as he stood up and then, for good measure, stomped his shoulder. Of course, us Friday Morning Quarterbacks have the easy job of watching video to determine what happened. We’re not down in the thick of it to experience what really happened. Take Suh’s version, for instance.

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