After a brief hiatus, the Sports On TV column returns with one of the most requested shows ever: Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 16-season strong cultural landmark, ‘South Park’.

‘South Park’ has been around since 1997, and has changed along with the times. When it started, Parker and Stone were getting $1,200 to make video Christmas cards for Fox executives. In 2012, they are influential, Tony Award-winning, multi-millionaire media moguls. One thing hasn’t changed: in season one, Kenny was getting ripped apart by football players. In season 16, Tom Brady is guzzling a Gatorade bottle of a child’s semen. Sports are one of the weirdest, stupidest, most ritualistic and overly-glorififed things human beings can do, and ‘South Park’ has been in tune with that since the very beginning.

So, in the Interest of easing us back into regular Thursday columns, here are my choices for the 20 greatest South Park sports moments. Like a lot of the shows we do, there are a ton of moments we had to leave out, so a part 2 will probably happen. If we left out your favorite moment, or you have something to say about a moment we chose, be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know.

As an added bonus, participating in the discussion and sharing the column on Twitter or Facebook (courtesy of one of those handy buttons at the bottom of the post) will net you the BAT DAD BADGE. You don’t want the Bat Dad Badge? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.

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Troll face college football logos, you guys.

If you don’t venture into the younger social circles of the Internet (or you aren’t a Redditor), here’s a quick recap of who the troll face (aka Coolface, aka Problem?) is, and why he’s so appropriate for college football.

Trollface is a black and white drawing of a face with a large mischievous grin that is meant to portray the expression someone makes while trolling. Posting a Trollface image into a forum thread is often used to claim that someone was being fooled or intentionally angered. The face commonly appears in rage comics indicating that the character is being mischievous in some way. (via Know Your Meme)

I’m not sure I can pick a favorite, but I’ve narrowed it down to the top shelf photoshop job on the Wisconsin Badger, or the LOL Guy stepping in for Chief Osceola.

Lest the troll gaze be turned onto me, the images in this gallery are credited in full to the fine folks at Reddit via @RedditCFB. The banner image is via Throw The Flag.

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Cincinnati hosted Pitt on Thursday night, and while a 34-10 Panthers loss may seem like the biggest fail of the evening, it’s got stiff competition from a Bearcats trumpet player.

As the video illustrates, this poor guy opened the game a la Paul Blart by spectacularly falling down a flight of steps, losing the mouthpiece of his trumpet, going out onto the field for pre-game anyway and spending the entire time helplessly fingering along. The look on his face is a great combination of steely perseverance and “oh god I’m about to crap my pants with embarrassment”. I appreciate his stick-to-itiveness, but damn, one trumpet isn’t a big deal, when you careen down some stadium stairs and faceplant on the turf it may be a sign for you to log-roll away in shamed silence and let the rest of the band handle it.

Regardless, we salute you, brave Cincinnati trumpet player. The next time I’m going through the motions hoping nobody notices, I’ll think of you.

[via Kegs N' Eggs]

16 on the field, number one in my heart.

They’re kidding and this is not documentary footage (I think), but Pat Stansik and the band Mind’s Eyes have released a video for their Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson anthem ‘I Love You Denard’, and yes, they’d rather watch Denard gain a yard than have a three-way make-out session with two foxy-ish Michigan teens.

Fan songs can be really hit or miss and there are few things I enjoy throwing shade at more than Michigan, but I have to admit, this one’s pretty good. It sounds like a Free Credit Report Dot Com band’s song about Denard Robinson might, but still, pretty good. My only real problem with it is that this “Mind’s Eyes” isn’t Sweden’s leading pro metal band Mind’s Eye doing a song about Michigan. Ah well, not really their fault.

Anyway, check out the video below. Warning: this video contains people making hearts with their hands.

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I had a lot of fun comparing the new Nebraksa Cornhuskers alternate uniforms to the jacket Kevin wears on ‘Captain N: The Game Master’, and Jesus, I wish I could have that kind of harmless fun with the announcement of Penn State Nittany Lions uniform changes. They’ve been in the news for a thing or two recently, and sadly none of it seems appropriate for me to type “do you remember this cartoon” alongside it.

Anyway, the two major changes are

1. Names on the backs of the jerseys
2. Special commemorative ribbons

Names are going on the jerseys for the hilarious reason of “holding each other accountable to uphold the traditions of Penn State football, both on and off the field”, a weird disconnect I’m not even sure my brain can process. I love the idea that if #14 wanted to do something reprehensible he’d go for it, then stop and go “oh wait, my shirt when I’m playing football says Jones on the back, people will know I’m Jones, maybe I shouldn’t”.

The ribbons thing is a little less funny.

When they take the field at Beaver Stadium for their 126th season, The Pennsylvania State University football team will wear uniforms featuring a blue ribbon to support all victims of child abuse. Also, for the first time, the names of each football player will adorn their jersey in recognition of their resolve and dedication to the team and the University.

“The Penn State community stands with all victims of child abuse,” said Acting Athletic Director David Joyner. “Coach Bill O’Brien and his football team made it clear they want to support victims and bring more awareness to this issue, which affects so many.”

“I’m proud that our players want to be part of the University’s efforts to help victims of child abuse,” O’Brien said. “We hope our fans join us in wearing blue ribbons to all Penn State home games. Together, we can make a difference in the lives of children everywhere.”

Or, more directly, “we hope our fans join us at all Penn State home games”. You know what’d be even better? If schools with programs that didn’t allow the systematic molestation of children wore ribbons. Maybe that’d be considered bragging. I’ve always been the guy who’d rather hear “don’t do drugs” from somebody who never did drugs than from someone who did them for years, got famous and then decided to warn me of their dangers.

Of course, the reality of the situation is that nothing can change what happened to those kids, and while I personally think it’s a little shifty, I can understand wanting to hold up a big sign that says “we swear we’re never doing this again”. That’s progress, in its own way. Who knows, maybe 10 years from now I’ll feel okay saying, “ha, look at those bright-ass white unis, they look like Brian from ‘Family Guy’”.

Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State defensive coach who at the very least showered with young boys, touched their legs in the showers because he’s just like Forrest Gump and ended a bunch of creepy voice mail messages with “there’s nothing really to hide” and “I love you”, thinks it’s “unjust” for PSU to be fined and punished simply because he molested boys there and everyone in charge of him covered it up to maintain the integrity of their football program.

Yes, folks, Jerry Sandusky is now a judge of what is and is not appropriate.

Attorney Joe Amendola told The Associated Press in a phone interview that Sandusky told him that even if people believe he is guilty of the crimes for which he was convicted in June, it would be “ridiculous” to think Penn State administrators engaged in a cover-up.

“He said, ‘To do what they’re doing to Penn State is so unjust,’” Amendola said. “He loves the program and he loves the university … He continues to believe that the truth will come out at some point, and that he’ll get another trial or another opportunity to establish his innocence.” (via ESPN College Football)

I don’t know what kind of crazy shit the human brain can do to itself, but if denial has a sound barrier, Jerry Sandusky just broke it. I guess it isn’t fair to expect a guy like this to be aware of what he’s done, or his lawyer to have even 1% of a normal human being’s integrity and skip the whole “ONE DAY we’ll find out what REALLY happened and YOU’LL ALL BE SORRY” gag.

If Penn State is sincerely worried about making it through this scandal and moving forward as a university, I’d like to recommend buying a gross of duct tape and using it to cover the entire head of Forrest Jerr, the Paterno Family and anyone else who feels the need to destructively add to this between now and infinity.