This morning, NCAA President Mark Emmert officially announced the sanctions for Penn State University and its football program in the wake of what I can only call an incredibly bizarre and unbelievable scandal. Emmert made it clear before this morning’s announcement that PSU football would not receive the “death penalty” as punishment for coaches and administrators covering up the sexual assaults of former coach Jerry Sandusky, but that appears to have just been lip service. What Penn State actually received was the lethal injection to Southern Methodist’s firing squad.

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… but then she cried and they found out her fantasy league was full of made-up players without faces, so they’re probably just going to let her play.

Jim Tressel, however, is not so lucky. In a good and fair move (in response to a move that seemed pretty shifty), the Indianapolis Colts have decided to suspend the employment of their new gameday consultant and former Ohio State head coach for the first six games of the season, giving him more or less the same treatment ex-OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor got when the league suspended him for five. The move was reportedly Tressel’s own, decided upon after meeting with the team.

A statement from Colts president Bill Polian included the following, so decide how phony you think everyone is as you go:

“After the announcement of Coach Jim Tressel’s agreement to join the Colts as a game day consultant, questions were raised with respect to the equity of his appointment as opposed to suspensions being served this season by present and former Ohio State players.

“Over the weekend Coach Tressel, Mr. Irsay, Coach Caldwell and I had a discussion of the issue. In addition, we had a conversation with league officials to apprise them of the details of Coach Tressel’s employment and the issues we were reviewing.

“At Coach Tressel’s suggestion, and with Mr. Irsay’s concurrence and support, we have decided to begin Coach Tressel’s employment effective with our seventh regular season game. We have informed the league office of our decision and expect that they will be supportive of it.

“We are very happy Coach Tressel will be joining us.”

I’m still not 100-percent on the whole “getting suspended by the NFL for NCAA violations” thing, and as Yahoo commenter soxfannh astutely put it before deciding to use the word “retarded”, it’s like “being sent home from a job at Burger King because you dropped a few hamburger buns on the floor while you worked at McDonald’s”. Tressel making the noble choice to sit as punishment for crimes they wouldn’t have hired him in the NFL over if anyone actually cared about them seems like a really empty gesture, and only works as appropriate when you consider the logic gaps it fills in and the class difference it helps balance. You either have to care about the violations or not care about them. Don’t hire him if he did a bunch of bad stuff, or hire him in spite of the bad stuff because it doesn’t matter. One or the other.

Besides, does anyone really think Tressel is going to wake up on the morning after game six and feel like he’s finally paid back his debt to society? Is he going to go straight, only to be drawn back in for one big score when an Indy car dealership decides to cut him a deal because they like the Colts?

[h/t everyone around to write about sports on Labor Day]

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!"

Last week, it was reported that 13 current Miami Hurricanes football players were declared ineligible after a former booster and current prison inmate, Nevin Shapiro, blew the doors open on a decade of recruiting violations, paid players, hookers, and abortions, among other accusations. The number of suspended players almost immediately dropped to 8 – or it was initially misreported – and the NCAA promised Miami that it would reach a decision within a few days, and it sure did.

Eight players have been given suspensions for this season, and they must repay the benefits. Then they can play. Seriously. Those players include:

QB Jacory Harris – 1 game
WR Travis Benjamin – 1 game
DT Marcus Forston – 1 game
DE Adewale Ojomo – 1 game
LB Sean Spence – 1 game
TE Dyron Dye – 4 games
S Ray-Ray Armstrong – 4 games
DE Olivier Vernon – 6 games

(Via CBS Sports)

In all, the NCAA found that Shapiro indeed gave these players benefits in the forms of cash, food, transportation, and/or night club trips, but the amounts were so low and genuinely insulting to people with any common sense, that nobody is really getting in trouble. Factor in that Miami apparently began covering its ass cooperating right away, and that is supposed to explain why Jim Tressel not reporting the exchange of autographs for tattoos is such a more shameful act.

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KENTUCKY — The year is 2011 and the ‘Cats are raw; in the rearview mirror is the motherf**king law. He’s got two choices, y’all: pull over the car, or bounce on the devil and put the pedal to the floor. But rappist Jay-Z isn’t trying to see a highway chase, and he’s got a few dollars with which he can fight the case. So he pulls over to the side of the road and hears, “Son, do you know why I’m stopping you for?” Because he’s young and he’s black and his hat’s real low? Is he under arrest or should we guess some more?

An NBA spokesman confirms that the league is investigating Jay-Z’s presence in Kentucky’s locker room after the Wildcats clinched a Final Four berth.

The rapper visited the players after their victory over North Carolina on Sunday at the Prudential Center in Newark, N.J, home of the Nets. Jay-Z is a part-owner of the team and attended the Nets’ 120-116 loss at New York on Wednesday.

This would be an NBA rule violation, as the league prohibits team personnel from having contact with players who aren’t draft eligible. Spokesman Tim Frank told the Associated Press the league is looking into it.

In a statement released earlier today, Jay said that he’s “tried to ignore [it] and talk to the Lord, pray for them, ’cause some fools just love to perform [investigations].” He then began to laugh and gesture wildly, suggesting that producer Rick Rubin would be “crazy” when he hears about this.

[Associated Press]

The NCAA, the bastion of morality in college athletics, has suspended five Ohio State football players for the first five games of the team’s 2011 season. The five players suspended include two of the team’s most talented players, wide receiver DeVier Posey and quarterback Terrelle Pryor. The NCAA’s ruling comes after an investigation that suspected players gave away autographs in exchange for tattoos, one of the few instances in recorded history that tattoos were bartered for something other than crystal meth.

Five Ohio State football players, including quarterback Terrelle Pryor, must sit out the first five games of the 2011 season for accepting improper benefits, the NCAA ruled Thursday.

A sixth football player must sit out the first game in 2011 for receiving discounted services in violation of NCAA rules.
All of the players be eligible for the Jan. 4 Allstate Sugar Bowl, however. –ESPN.com

But while the NCAA is indeed a cruel mistress, she is not the bitter, vindictive ex-girlfriend you briefly dated your sophomore year of college. No, the organization found out that the players sold various awards, including Big Ten Championship rings. Which makes sense, considering that they have plenty more of those bad boys at home. Read the rest of this entry »