The Bayou Bengals of Louisiana State are your new #1 college football team, as the AP have ranked them the supreme squad in the nation. LSU held on to narrowly defeat mighty Louisiana Tech 58-10 yesterday, while former #1 Ohio St. fell to Illinois 28-21.  The Fightin' Illini were led to their upset victory by quarterback Juice Williams who threw for 140 yards on 12 for 22 with 4 TDs. Wow, I know some sweat-shop workers who aren't that efficient.  Illinois' victory hinged on a crucial 4th and inches with 6:53 left in the game:

"I said, 'Coach, you don't think we can get a half an inch?"' Williams said amid the uproar of the postgame celebration. "He looked at me and got on the headset to (offensive coordinator Mike) Locksley. He (Zook) said, 'If you don't get it, I'll hurt you.'" Zook remembered it differently. "Juice said, 'I'll get you an inch,"' Zook said. "I said, 'You'd better.'"

Ha, motivation through corporal punishment is funny. Anyway, if Omar Epps was at this game, he would be all like, "Man, you know what your problem is? You got no juice." to Ohio St. because they lost the wily Illibuck. But if Tupac (God rest his soul) was a LSU fan he would be all like, "One, if I lose, I'm gonna beat that ass. Two, if I lose, I'm gonna beat that ass. So pop two quarters in, pop tart, and let's get this game on, I'll be gettin' that ass!" to all the other teams in the country.  In conclusion, Juice was a good movie, but I wouldn't want to live in Harlem. -KD

P.S. Farewell Orange Bowl, I'll always remember you in all your NSFW glory.   

After Michigan's come from behind win against its intra-state rival last week, Wolverine running back Mike Hart had this to say:

Well, the clock in Madison reads zero now Mr. Hart, and your team was just beaten by the Wisconsin Badgers 37-21.  The Wolverines still have a chance to win the Big Ten title though if they can beat Ohio State next week.  Yes, that's right – a squad that lost to Appalachian St. can win a "major" conference.  Anyway, why don't Michigan and Wisconsin play for a trophy?  They could for the Upper Peninsula (of Michigan).  The loser would have to take ownership of that desolate region of inbreds.  Speaking of the UP and teams sinking like ships, please observe a moment of silence for the 29 souls who descended to the depths of Lake Superior 32 years ago today. -KD

I know you're probably already transfixed on the pictocube watching the majesty that is Big Ten football, but the Iowa Hawkeyes and Minnesota Golden Gophers are battling right now to see who will take home Floyd of Rosedale.  Who is Floyd?  Well, it seems to relieve animosity between to the 2 universities, Iowa governor Clyde Herring awarded Minnesota governor Floyd Olson a full-blooded champion pig (and brother of Blue Boy who starred with Will Rogers' in the classic film State Fair – GASP! The Blue Boy?) after the Gophers defeated the Hawkeyes in 1935.  A bronze statue of the heroic swine was cast and given to the winner of the game ever since. What a magnificent tradition! As this marquee match-up between Midwestern powerhouses needed anything more.

And the Big Ten's splendid lore doesn't end there. Ohio State and Illinois play today to capture the wily Illibuck:

lly Illibuck is a wooden turtle trophy presented to the winner of the Ohio State-Illinois football game. Originally the "trophy" was a live turtle when the tradition began in 1925, picked for its long life expectancy as a symbol of the long life of the rivalry. Since the passing of the original turtle in 1927 nine wooden replica Illibucks have been carved, each with the scores from games on its back . . . Another part of the rivalry once included the smoking of the peace pipe between members of two junior honorary societies, Bucket and Dipper of Ohio State and Atius-Sachem of Illinois, which occurred at halftime. This practice has not been done for many years. -Wikipedia

I wonder when they stopped smoking the calumet? I mean on the field. I'm sure several scholars at both of these fine institutions still practice this ritual right before skipping class and devouring 4 lbs. of Taco Bell. -KD

Anchors Aweigh my boys! Navy finally broke their long losing streak to Notre Dame by defeating the Fightin' Irish 46-44 in triple overtime in South Bend.  

[ND coach Charlie] Weis said the 43-game winning streak had no meaning to him or the team.  "They're worried about here and now. These kids are 17. You think they're worrying about 43 years?" he said.

Of course a 43-game winning streak has no meaning for Weis' lads because they can't even comprehend winning more than 1 game a season.  Who do Irish sailors root for in this game?  That's a trick question, such men must devote all their concentration on remaining erect – they have no time for games.  And you can define 'erect' any way you want.

In other Catholic college football news, Boston College lost to Florida State 27-17, thus ending the Eagles hopes for an undefeated season.  What the heck does Christ do on Saturdays anyway?  I mean, I know he doesn't answer wager-related prayers, but one would think he'd at least help squads representing the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church smite their opponents.  Unless Roman Catholicism is not the one true faith?  Don't tell me I served all those years as an altar boy for nothing. -KD

Kansas defeated Nebraska this afternoon 76-39.  In case you're feeling sorry for the Huskers, please consider that Kansas has only beaten Nebraska once since 1969.  Also consider that the Huskers beat the Jayhawks 55-0 in 1971, 56-0 in 1972, 56-0 in 1974, 52-7 in 1977, 63-21 in 1978, 54-0 in 1980, 52-0 in 1982, 67-13 in 1983, 56-6 in 1985, 70-0 in 1986, 54-2 in 1987, 63-10 in 1988 and 63-7 in 1996.  Kansas owes their neighbor to the north so much more.

If you must feel sorry for Nebraskans, pity their unicameral legislature. Or you could pity them because they, well, live in Nebraska. -KD

The top 3 college football teams of the AP Top 25 are unchanged from last week's poll for the first time since Week 1 of the season.  Finally, we have teams winning games they are supposed to win.  And by the recommended number of points by which they are supposed to defeat their opponents.  Although, Boston College's late comeback over Virginia Tech did cause my left arm to tingle and a copper to taste in my mouth.  The moral of this story is to avoid gambling, sexy readers, for it causes one to participate in despicable practices, like rooting for Jesuit schools.

Anyway, Connecticut, currently ranked #16, cracked the Division I-A Top 25 for the first time in school history.  Wow!  Connecticut has a football team?  Debate still rages whether they have achieved their victories through phantom fair catches or by utilizing disguised female basketball players on the O-line.  Either way, when my brain reverts to its 1993 conception of the college football landscape when I place my drunken parlays next Friday night, I won't remember UConn is good at football now. -KD