My evening unfolded almost exactly as I predicted last night, from the bunny playing piano to the cat tipping his hat, but how I handled that much LSD in one night is still a mystery to me. Regardless, our brackets are filled out and the games are about to begin, so I figured we could run down today’s schedule with the help of the wonderful ladies at Playboy, who, when not being shunned from society by Darren Rovell, are actually quite the NCAA Tournament experts in their own rights.

Okay, maybe I’m using the term “experts” a little loosely, but I’m still pretty impressed that these women could take the time out of their busy schedules of ignoring me to compete against each other in the 2013 Playboy Bracket Challenge. Fans and bros were able to fill out their brackets on the (obviously not-necessarily-SFW website) and compete against some of their favorite Playmates, including Kari Nautique, Nikki Leigh, the wonderful Chloe Miranda, and recent mom Jaime Edmondson, among others.

The biggest missing piece, though, is Ciara Price, but I think the restraining order may just completely block her from my computer. Haha, she’s such a kidder. Anyway, today’s remaining schedule is after the jump, as well as some special Playboy NCAA Tournament cards featuring Nikki Leigh, and serve no purpose other than to make me like Ohio State and Florida for once.

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In case you haven’t heard, 8th-seed Robert Morris University knocked off the defending national champion Kentucky Wildcats, 59-57, in the first round of the National Invitational Tournament. No, seriously. Here, look.

Still don’t believe it? Here’s the YouTube description.

Robert Morris beats Kentucky
Robert Morris beats Kentucky
Robert Morris beats Kentucky

It was pretty incredible, despite Kentucky having to basically give up the spoils of being a top seed to play the game on the road. That’s outweighed by the hilarious tininess of Robert Morris, who didn’t bring in enough fans in an entire season to match one of the Wildcats’ home games.

Although the Wildcats were the top seed in the tournament, they had to travel to Robert Morris because Rupp Arena is being used for NCAA Tournament games. The total attendance for all of Robert Morris’s home games was 15,692. The attendance for Kentucky’s final home game was 24,294.

Robert Morris moves on to face the winner of the Providence/Charlotte game, and while a second round appearance is really all they’re guaranteed — they aren’t getting a giant new stadium for a bunch of new crazy bandwagon Colonials fans or anything — they’ve already enjoyed one unexpected perk.

Via Reddit comes the best possible edit to the Robert Morris Wikipedia page. It encapsulates everything you need to know about the upset in one beautiful reference to English-American history. Boom:

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Until somebody edits together a bunch of ‘Games Of Thrones’ characters discussing the college football playoff debate, here’s the best-ever instance of dramatic television characters being “sweet canned” into talking about sports: March Mad Men. Virginia Commonwealth University and 1960s Madison Avenue, together at last!

March Madness meets Mad Men. Don Draper, Roger Sterling, Ken Cosgrove, Peggy Olson, Pete Campbell, Betty Francis, and Bert Cooper have a lot at stake, and things are getting stressful. Who will win this year’s pool at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce?

We need more basketball references on ‘Mad Men.’ We’re almost to that point in time when Lew Alcindor changes his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, right? That was 1968. Can season 6 of ‘Mad Men’ feature Don Draper lighting a cigarette with his brow all furrowed, complaining about how Kareem has signed his death warrant (or something equally dramatic) before getting all wistful about 8MM sky hook footage?

All I know is that I’m not picking Ohio State, because Pete said it with that look on his face. Who would Trudy pick? This is important.

[via Official Comedy]

Bill Walton (R) with UPROXX's own Vince Mancini

Yesterday, Deadspin reported that ESPN’s golden child and father of Grantland, Bill Simmons, had been unusually silent on Twitter for the past two days, and it turned out that the Worldwide Leader has placed a gag order on him after he criticized First Take’s horrible debate segment between Skip Bayless and Seattle Seahawks DB Richard Sherman. Simmons was arguably correct in saying that the whole thing was embarrassing for everyone involved, but that didn’t stop ESPN from laying the hammer of internal justice upon its most celebrated employee.

The reaction was interesting, in that a lot of people who haven’t liked Simmons for years were all like, “Oh snap, original Sports Guy back???” But I’m going to try to put the basic thought process into terms that Simmons fans might better understand. You know when your best friend starts dating a really hot girl but there’s more than meets the eye to her – like when Valerie Malone showed up on 90210 and started dating, well, everyone, right? – and when there’s finally a struggle between the two, you hope that your friend is going to see the light and dump her sorry ass. But then even when she leaves, he replaces her with Gina Kincaid and you’re like, “This guy just won’t ever learn.”

That’s what I took away from the bulk of reaction to Simmons’ hush-hush yesterday. But you want to know how Bill Walton took it? He took it as, “F*ck it, bros, I’mma say whatever the f*ck I want!”

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With a little more than a week remaining until the 2013 NCAA Tournament tips off, it’s important for people to start determining where they will watch their favorite teams. Or in my case, I need to figure out where I’m going to pretend that I’m a huge Duke and/or Indiana fan, since my team decided to get banned from postseason play this year. Eh, who am I kidding? I pretend to be a Duke fan every year.

Anywho, as usual I am leaning toward watching sports in the comfort of my home away from home, Rick’s Cabaret in New York City. Some people may try to argue that I’ve never been to New York City and that I’m afraid of talking to women, but they’re just haters. Anyway, my girls at Rick’s are all fired up to watch Duke, Indiana or whichever team I end up cheering for win the NCAA Championship.

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Earlier in this strange college basketball season, we discussed how some Duke Blue Devils fans allegedly made fun of a NC State player’s personal life by chanting, “How’s your grandma?” after she had recently passed away. And by allegedly I mean that some Duke fans definitely chanted that. But other Duke fans came to their school’s defense and said that I was being a big, ol’ meanie head for picking on Duke, as fans from every school are total dicks, and I definitely don’t disagree with that sentiment. It’s just fun to pick on Duke, that’s all.

In the name of fairness, we’ll pick on another school today, as fans of the University of Wyoming crossed a line, according to some, when they chanted “Alcoholic!” during last Wednesday’s game between the Cowboys and Colorado State. CSU coach Larry Eustachy, of course, has a well-documented history of alcohol abuse, something that previously cost him his coaching gig at Iowa State.

Unfortunately, Wyoming athletics marketing interns saw that decade-old story as rivalry fodder, and distributed a special flyer to catch students and fans up on the story of one man’s battle with addiction.

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