"Yes, weep for me, you pathetic children."

For some reason, parents think it’s a lot of fun to humiliate their children on the Internet by posting videos of them crying over sports on YouTube. But people seem to love them, so mom and dad just keep the cameras rolling as they tell their little Courvoisier Winetavius Richardsons and Yolanda Supersads that their favorite players are leaving or their most hated teams won and so on and so forth. Call me old-fashioned, but I only like to laugh at crying children who just finished making me a new pair of Oakleys.

Our latest tear machine is a 4-year old boy whose parents informed him that his favorite college basketball player – Syracuse’s Scoop Jardine – is graduating and will not be leading the Orangemen for another NCAA Championship run. Well the boy didn’t like that very much, so he obviously cries and it’s all pretty much paint-by-numbers from there.

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You may not know Jackson Blankenship by name, but you’ve definitely seen him by now. He’s the heckling Alabama basketball fan with the bitter beer face mug and the oversized copy of his face that was recently caught behind the basket, tormenting University of Florida players. He’s a simple man with simple goals, according to his Tumblr profile:

Top ten things I want to get involved with in college (no particular order)

10. Making viral videos
9. Producing an album filled with awesome yet strange music through Garage Band
8. Selling / Buying stuff on eBay
7. Going on an obscene amount of trips
7. Learn to count
6. Attempt stand up comedy
5. Meet Conan O’Brien
4. Join a band and play at least one bar show
3. [Over Four years] see every MLB team play. Even you, Toronto Blue Jays.
2. Make a short film
1. Dominate some intramural sports, yo.

Last night, Jackson made the big time as he donned a new York Knicks “Linsanity” t-shirt and he sat behind the basket with his trademark face sign during the Knicks’ 100-92 loss to the New Jersey Nets. And cementing his new celebrity fan status is a visit to the Today Show this morning. Somewhere, cigar-smoking golf fan is weeping.

As an added bonus, a guy named Jordy Appel also scooped the Today Show on the first big interview with Jackson (I assume they’re friends) which quells my demand for a window into the mind of this strange new character.

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Welcome to another installment of Wild Card Wednesday, as I try to cram together all of the awesome, random things that we’ve been missing out on in favor of the big stories and half-naked Marisa Miller…

At some point on Sunday, Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hurt his foot and now it looks like his season is over. I’m sure that the Texans won’t completely give up on Schaub until a doctor does something cool and drastic like slam his glasses down and yell, “Damn it, I’m not God!” In the meantime, the second coming of Matt Leinart is upon us, and somewhere there’s a Jacuzzi not being boned in.

Last night, Houston tight end James Casey Tweeted the above image of a local Hooters showing support for the new QB. Unfortunately, after calling the Hooters, I learned that they ran out of space and it should have read: “Hey Leinart, we believe you gave us all gonorrhea.” OK, I may have made that up. But would you bet against it?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, Texans fans. God knows this would be my response to losing Schaub…

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I’m a sucker for anything that combines sports with appreciating the men and women of our Armed Forces. There aren’t enough videos of soldiers showing up at ballgames to surprise their families, and I was even pulling against my own alma mater against Southern Miss on Saturday night because there were soldiers attending the game to cheer on the Golden Eagles before they were deployed yesterday. And I know that I certainly can’t pay tribute to or even understand our soldiers the same way that Ufford can – hell, I can’t even write it as well as Justin Timberlake. So I’ll just reiterate that I love it when we can use sports to honor our troops.

That said, the 2011 Quicken Loans Carrier Classic was absolutely amazing. Just the idea of playing a basketball game on an aircraft carrier is incredible enough, and God knows we could have just sent a couple mid-majors to play on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson, but we sent the No. 1 team in the country, the UNC Tar Heels, and Michigan State to put on a show for our service men and women. UNC, of course, defeated the Spartans 67-55 and the action was less than thrilling. But the No. 1 team and another perennial contender agreeing to play outdoors in the middle of the ocean is simply awesome.

As if the game wasn’t enough, President Barack Obama and the First Lady attended and addressed the troops, and Magic Johnson and James Worthy represented their college teams and took pictures as well. For some reason Pamela Anderson was there, and I assume it’s because she was just floating by. Most importantly, Brooklyn Decker was there. Although, to properly honor our troops, Kate Upton and Marissa Miller should have also been there. But I’d say that this was just good enough.

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When the mail arrives today, the folks at Yahoo! Sports are probably going to have some nice thank you notes on Ohio State and USC letterheads, because Charles Robinson’s mind-blowing investigation of the University of Miami could possibly go down as the biggest college football scandal in history. Even Southern Methodist alums are probably high-fiving this morning.

Former booster Nevin Shapiro spilled the Cuban black beans on nearly a decade of improprieties that include Hurricanes players and coaches (football and basketball) being paid, lavish house and yacht parties, prostitutes, jewelry, and even bounties for players to cause injuries to opposing athletes like Tim Tebow. Shapiro, in more than 100 hours of taped confessions, even claims to have paid for a stripper’s abortion. Throw in his admittance that his own sports agency, Axcess Sports & Entertainment, was funneling money to college players in exchange for their agreement to sign with them, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a scandal.

But don’t worry, Miami’s officials are taking this all very seriously.

“When Shapiro made his allegations nearly a year ago, he and his attorneys refused to provide any facts to the university,” [Miami associate AD for communications Chris] Freet said. “We notified the NCAA enforcement officials of these allegations. We are fully cooperating with the NCAA and are conducting a joint investigation. We take these matters very seriously.” (Yahoo!)

You bet your darn patootie they take this seriously. They’re likely going to hang a sign around Shapiro’s neck, labeling him a Ponzi scheme-running scoundrel, but that’s not going to alter the public perception of “The U.” What should happen? If the claims are true – and apparently there are 20,000 pages of financial documentation that suggest validity – then it’s the death penalty, even though that doesn’t exist anymore. What will happen? Nobody really knows, but we can guess that it will start with a few years of red-tape-laden legal battles, with the majority of former Miami players, coaches (some of which are now at Alabama and Florida, among other schools), and administrative officials calling Shapiro names, notably a big ol’ poopy pants liar.

Either way, we’ll be entertained. Miami fans won’t, but there are only a few hundred actual Miami Hurricanes fans on this planet, so the convenient fans will just find a new team. Have fun with that, Florida Gators. After the jump, check out the juicier quotes from Robinson’s incredible article.

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When the Cleveland Cavaliers selected Duke guard Kyrie Irving with the No. 1 overall pick at this year’s NBA Draft, they may or may not have known that Irving was having some girl issues. Back in March, the sleuths at Black Sports Online discovered that Irving was involved with a girl named Jessica Jackson – calling herself Miss Hawaii on Twitter – but to what degree they knew each other was a mystery. So buckle up because we’re heading on a non-stop ride to Crazyville.

Jackson claimed that her and Irving first met through Twitter (when will people learn?) and began exchanging text messages, phone calls and Skype sessions, and since I don’t want to drag this out with boring details, she claimed it was all very sexual. Then something went wrong, and Jackson began publicly accusing Irving of harassing her to the point that she had to file a police report. So even though she claimed to be letting the law handle her problems, she went ahead and released images of their alleged texts and Twitter messages.

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