We’re a day late on this clip, but this EPIC FAIL of a high-five was by far and away the highlight of Selection Sunday. When will old white guys learn that they should stick to firm handshakes and lemon parties? Or maybe just firm handshakes. **Googles “lemon party”** Yeah, definitely just firm handshakes.
This is about the point in the college basketball season where a casual fan such as myself will actually start paying attention. The conference tourneys are coming up (which are a tremendous waste of time), and the big brackets appear a few days after that (after the first weekend, same thing). I hate filling in tournament predictions without any information. On that note, we lead off with actual news today, as No. 3 UCLA clinched their 29th conference title by beating No. 7 Stanford last night. Kevin Love had 17 points and 10 rebounds for his 19th double-double of the season. How does it feel to win your first conference title, Kev?
“It feels great. We’re going to soak it all up.”
Glad I asked. One other result for you: No. 24 Clemson shit the bed in Atlanta against Georgia Tech last night. The Tigers, you might remember, won their first 18 games in 2006-07 but were relegated to the NIT after playing terribly in-conference. While UCLA has all but locked up a one-seed, Clemson still has an outside shot of missing the tournament after losing to the likes of mighty Charlotte and (aside from Maryland's choke job last weekend) no real quality road wins. These borderline big-conference teams are the ones that should be playing in that shitty play-in game in Dayton when the tournament starts, not the smaller schools that, while having less caché, actually managed to take care of business.
– Monday Morning Punter
Most of us remember seeing the clip of Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl getting inappropriate with ESPN's Erin Andrews. And it was inappropriate: I don't think he would have done that with Chris Spielman, plus I'm pretty sure that he was a little too busy in the first half to have bought her dinner. Hey, I'm not a prude or anything, but don't go halfway on it. If you're going to put your hands on somebody like that, you better get your fucking money's worth.
Anyway, the immaculate and always-timely Awful Announcing shares that Pearl told Dan Patrick that Pearl actually called Andrews and sent her a text after that game to "apologize" for his behavior.
DP: [During the Memphis game], you can't be putting your hands on Erin Andrews at halftime, Coach.
BP: Erin is a terrific sideline reporter, she knows the game, but she's also very engaging. I actually called her and texted her back, and I apologized if in any way that was unprofessional.
DP: Is texting her an NCAA violation?
BP: No, she's not a prospect.
DP: Oh, yes, she is.
Zing! I can only assume by "apologize," he meant, "I'm sorry for not trying to stick a finger in that sweet, sweet ass of yours." Or maybe he went the more sophisticated route, with something along the lines of "I'm sorry I didn't hit that gash doggystyle in the front seat of a very expensive automobile." Technology is wonderful, especially when it helps you have sex with other people.
[Awful Announcing via SbB via WBIR]
USC men's basketball coach and alleged chronic masturbator Tim Floyd said that asking O.J. Mayo to return for his sophomore season would be "irresponsible," citing that Mayo is already likely to be a lottery pick and that the coach had no intention of standing between Mayo and a huge stack of cash, saying something to the effect of "If it's his dream of playing in the NBA, he should do that."
Floyd made the remarks on Rome Is Burning last night. The rest of Floyd's appearance on the show consisted of having a take and not sucking.
Mayo would probably not be in the college game right now were it not for the NBA's recent rule that prohibits players from making the jump straight to the pros from high school, which is bullshit. Does Las Vegas make aspiring hookers take communion? Did the Hitler Youth have to get passing grades in economics? Why is Mayo in college to begin with? He should be averaging 15 and 10 a night for the Clippers before snorting blow out of some 31-year-old intern's asshole. I mean, if it's his dream to snort blow out of an intern's asshole, he should do that.
Mayo would be batshit insane to stay, even if it is USC. Why settle for Reggie Bush money when you can get LeBron money?
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I don't know if you remember this, but Michigan lost to Appalachian State the first week of the college football season this year. It was a pretty big deal because the Wolverines were the highest-ranked team ever to lose to a Division I-AA opponent. I'm sure there were a lot of people in East Lansing happy that day to see their in-state rival fall so low. Well, Michigan State's basketball team lost to Grand Valley State 85-82 in double overtime last night. What's that? You've never heard of GVSU? That's probably because you've never been to the G to the muthafuckin' Rap (Grand Rapids, MI). You probably also never heard of it because the Lakers are a Division II school. Did I mention that Michigan State is ranked #8 in the pre-season AP Top 25 poll and expected to win the Big Ten this season? Two things I will never say again: "Those poll makers know sure know their business!" and "The Big Ten looks strong this year!"
Astute readers will remember that I encouraged you to begin referring to MSU's football squad as the "Achaeans" after their loss to mighty Northwestern a month ago. That recommendation now applies to all their athletic teams, unless you live in Flint and don't want to get shot. Well, shot for a reason. -KD
Missouri basketball player Kalen Grimes hit a man with the butt of a shotgun last weekend:
Kalen Grimes admitted getting out of the car, pumping the shotgun twice, then striking the man, [Florissant, MO Police Chief William] Karabas said. The victim suffered a cut to the forehead.
This could explain why Mr. Grimes only averaged 7 points per game last year. For future reference, it's 1. Acquire the rock or orange or thirty-ought-six, 2. Double-pump, 3. Shoot. Results are best when you aim at the center mass of your target.
The incident happened early Saturday and began when Grimes’ cousin, Ryan Fisher, and another man got into an argument over a woman at a Jack in the Box restaurant, Karabas said. The skirmish spilled over onto a Dairy Queen parking lot nearby.
I like street fights that plan for dessert. You only see this in the Midwest nowadays because everyone is in such a rush on the coasts. It's all choke down half of a hamburger, shoot the lights out, and then head off to the next house party. Slow down people. You have five minutes to enjoy a Peanut Buster Parfait before cracking each other's skulls to see who gets to bed the lovely lass with the badonkadonk full of curly fries. -KD
(Extra Dilly Bars for A Pudge is a Sandwich.)
