Damn it, Tina.

Back in 2008, NBC’s 30 Rock had an episode entitled “Believe in the Stars” that dealt with Kenneth learning that Olympic hero Tyler Brody was just a fake, because there was no such thing as Olympic tetherball, octuples tennis, or synchronized running. I and the other 2 million people who watch the show religiously laughed because it playfully mocked the fad of Olympic athlete hero worship and how NBC – and every network, for that matter – tries to strike while the iron (or gold, *rimshot*) is hot.

Now, though, the joke has come full circle, because 30 Rock will have a guest appearance by Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte this season, and I’m sure that we have someone awesome that we can all thank for this.

Oh, and you can totally thank us, your E! friends, for making this cameo happen. (You are welcome, America!) Because the ultra-busy Lochte is in New York this week covering Fashion Week for E! News (weeknights at 7 p.m.), so he was able to squeeze in the 30 Rock gig.

“It was a long morning. We did a lot of takes, but, you know what, it was fun,” Lochte tells our own Cat Sadler. “Being with Alec Baldwin on set…he’s a great guy. Great actor. I enjoyed it. I had so much fun. And I can’t really tell you what it was about, but it was outrageous.”

Really, a lot of takes? It couldn’t be Lochte’s fault, because he’s a natural, gifted actor. He’s just exploding with personality and charisma. It must have been because one of those talentless hack “actors” couldn’t get his damn lines down. I’m looking at Scott Adsit, that amateur.

30 Rock doesn’t really get any credit for how many hilarious sports jokes it delivers each season – perhaps credit is coming sooner than we think – so maybe we can hope that the premise of Lochte’s cameo is self-aware. But I’ve got $5 on what Frank’s hat will read…

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From the start of the 2012 Summer Olympics, NBC was bludgeoned with criticism and vitriol from the Internet because of the network’s decision to air events on delay. The network’s executives fired back at the criticism by explaining that the American public is essentially too stupid to handle things as they air live, and sports business gurus like Darren Rovell also explained that it’s bad business for NBC to air events live when it needs good ratings in the primetime slots. And that’s fine. I get that. It’s all over now. Let’s just chillax.

Or not, says the YouTube community, as cries of outrage are still pouring in on the comment threads of videos that will eventually be deleted by NBC’s lawyers. One such video that is currently still available shows The Kinks frontman Ray Davies performing the band’s classic song, “Waterloo Sunset”. This performance was pulled from NBC’s closing ceremonies’ broadcast because the network wanted to take advantage of its massive ratings by introducing us to the new show Animal Practice.

Let’s just say that isn’t going over too well with my personal oracles of right and wrong, YouTube commenters.

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NBC has received a metric ton of crap and hell for the network’s 2012 Summer Olympics coverage, and we haven’t really touched on that too much, because it’s like picking on the fat kid in dodgeball (writes the former fat kid in dodgeball). NBC has become the television equivalent of that 30-something bro who goes back to his frat’s formal every year because “It’s f*cking epic, dude!” and because he can’t move on from the glory days and try to lead a better life. Hence, the network, desperate to find success in the sitcom market, has chosen to destroy the current Thursday night lineup up 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, and Community that we obviously love so much, in favor of… Guys with Kids. Woo.

But I’ll leave the TV bashing to our weird stepbrothers over at Warming Glow. As for the Olympics, I’ve been just as frustrated as the rest of the blogosphere, because I’m a social media brat and NBC is my conservative grandfather. Basically, the network chose to ignore that every event was being aired live all over the planet, but executives felt Americans are too stupid to follow in real time, so they’ve repackaged events that already happened – and were already spoiled on Twitter – to make it seem like they were better and more dramatic than they actually were.

Alas, in a sea of NBC’s wretched filth, I have found the network’s shining Olympic star. No, it’s not the excellent Michelle Beadle. It’s Retta, who plays Donna on Parks & Rec.

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I was pleased as hunch punch this morning when I saw that my cooler UPROXX cousin Christmas Ape had already covered the news that Frank Caliendo was out at FOX Sports as the go-to guy for the NFL pre-game’s horrible impressions of impressions. I was pleased not because I wouldn’t get to talk about it, but because Ape pointing out that Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio thinking Caliendo is hilarious saved me a 3,000-word rant that would have drawn more expletives than currently exist in the English language.

Instead, I want to focus on Caliendo’s own Facebook response to this matter. I don’t know if he was actually fired, and I don’t really care. All I know is that every Sunday morning during the NFL season, I watch CBS and the NFL Network for a reason before the games begin. That reason has always been Frank Caliendo. He is the lowest-hanging fruit on comedy’s apple tree, presuming that Carrot Top is the dead, rotting fruit covered in dirt.

To everyone asking about the FOX pregame. I will not be back this coming season. It was great to be part of the team with Terry and the guys for the last 9 years, but it’s time to move on. I have a couple of upcoming ventures that look like they may be pretty cool… And as soon as I can tell you more about them– I definitely will. More soon!

Alas, I come here not to bury Caliendo, but to offer him some advice and perhaps make a plea bargain with him. I know that Caliendo will not stay entirely out of sports, because he’s too convenient for the lazy radio and podcast folks, and even cable news talking heads, to call up for their occasional dancing monkey. But Caliendo belongs in Las Vegas. He is the type of entertainer that the city was built for. Someone just give him a show already so he can disappear for a little while and let us watch our pre-game coverage without having to worry about how much nitrous oxide they’ll have to spray at Terry Bradshaw to make him cackle at Caliendo’s blackface Barkley routine.

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Move over, Perd Hapley, there’s a new hilarious anchor in town. Minneapolis and St. Paul NBC affiliate KARE 11 sent anchor Eric Perkins to London for the 2012 Summer Olympics, and sure, he did his job by talking to boring, old athletes like Kevin Love and some other people who aren’t funny, but thankfully Perkins took matters of hilariousness into his own hands when he hit Bridge Street in front of the iconic Big Ben clock tower and… get ready to piss yourself… he asked people what time it was!

Oh my God, you need to watch the video right now, because it is the most incredible definition of LOLs and LMAOs you will ever see. Unfortunately, KARE 11 and NBC Olympics are all, “Hey, you can’t embed our videos, you scoundrels!” so you’ll have to go to their website to watch it, but when you’re rolling on the floor in a puddle of your own filth as you scream from exhaustive laughter, you’ll thank me. Oh you’ll thank me.

And after the jump I have another one of Perk’s hilarious on-air pranks. I won’t spoil it for you, but it is anything but a snoozer… *stifles laughter, resumes reading Family Circus cartoons*

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Junior Seau, presumably staring off at the farm that NBC think he lives on.

NBC has gone to great lengths to put together an informative country-by-country breakdown of the 2012 Summer Olympics, with each nation’s athletic history being profiled on the network’s Olympics website. For example: did you know that Liechtenstein does not have any athletes at the Summer Olympics and, therefore, will not contend for any medals? That’s some incredible insight right there.

Other countries obviously have a significant wealth of information available, and that’s great, because most of us probably don’t know a lot about a territory like, say, American Samoa. So what would NBC have us learn about such a place and the great athletes that it has produced?

Consists of seven small islands about halfway between Hawaii and Sydney. Located 2,300 miles southwest of Honolulu in the South Pacific Ocean and is the most southerly of all lands under American sovereignty.

Became a U.S. territory in 1900 by a treaty with the United Kingdom and Germany. Until 1951, was under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Navy. American Samoans are considered U.S. nationals, not U.S. citizens. Since 1981, has had a non-voting delegate in the U.S. House of Representatives.

The most famous person from American Samoa is the former Miami Dolphins linebacker Junior Seau, who now is now retired after playing for the New England Patriots.

I guess “retired” isn’t false. I’m just not sure that “is now retired” is the right way to describe Seau’s current situation. Perhaps “who retired after playing for the New England Patriots” might have been the better phrase to avoid using key words like “shotgun” and “chest”, but every site’s editor has his own style, so who am I to nitpick?

Meanwhile, if you’re in the market for a beachside home, Fox News is reporting with some great hyperlinking that Seau’s Oceanside house is for sale for $2.3 million. It’s a beautiful home, but you will have to get used to ESPN filming crying women outside of it every few weeks.

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