As we discussed yesterday, people were a bit perplexed when TNT NBA analyst Shaquille O’Neal was suddenly mentioned as a candidate for the vacant Orlando Magic GM position, because he’d spent the last decade completely pissing all over the franchise that drafted him No. 1 overall in 1992. Eventually, though, it made perfect sense when it was revealed that Shaq was being considered for the job because Shaq told everyone that, because he likes when everyone talks about him.

But Shaq tied up all the loose ends yesterday when he released a statement about how even though he told everyone he was interested in the Magic GM job, he wasn’t interested in the Magic GM job, adding: “I’m Shaq. Shaq Shaq Shaq.”

“When I first heard about the vacancy for the Orlando Magic general manager position, I was clearly intrigued. I was drafted by the Magic, I have a great love for the franchise, and I have made the city of Orlando my home. Additionally, I have great admiration and respect for the DeVos family. However, this is not a job I have an interest in pursuing. I feel very fortunate to be with TNT and to have the best job in sports. I look forward to many more years with Charles, Kenny and E.J. I wish the best for the Magic and I am confident that they will select a great GM and coach.” (Via Pro Basketball Talk)

The truth is, though, that Diesel’s schedule is just way too booked up right now. As you can see from the banner image – via The Superficial – Shaq is back to what he does best – making terrible movies. He’s currently filming the Happy Madison production Grown Ups 2, because all of the people who paid to see the first Grown Ups (my pick for Worst Film of 2010) said the same thing: “It was terrible, sure, but I feel like they could have made it worse.”

And because I’m in a retro flashback mood today, I’ve included a very important and relevant video after the jump.

And things obviously turned out well for Aaron Carter.

"Haha, I don't have an agent either!"

Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d say, “Please, bring back Bow Wow.” But there I was last night, flipping through the channels during a timeout in the Miami Heat’s series-clinching victory over the Indiana Pacers, when I stumbled upon the film Like Mike 2: Streetball, as it aired on BET. I was 23 when the original Like Mike was in theaters, so it wasn’t exactly my type of film, and needless to say that a 2006 straight-to-DVD sequel wouldn’t be my cup of Sanka either.

But there it was, in all its glory – the rehashed, recycled and redonkulous sequel to the story of a kid who receives the magical ability to play basketball like Michael Jordan from a pair of dirty old sneakers hanging from a power line. This time, instead of Bow Wow’s Calvin Cambridge, the young hero is Jascha Washington’s Jerome, who is the son of a streetball legend and therefore wants to be the best as well. The only problem is he’s too young and small and clichéd.

After he learns the pain of losing  - at the hands of a team led by a goofy white kid in a dew rag who poorly channels C-Tates, natch – Jerome discovers the magical shoes and basically goes on the same adventure as Calvin before him, except instead of the NBA he competes in the world’s biggest streetball tournament. The biggest takeaway from this film is that the director has never watched people play basketball in his life.

But at the heart of it, this is a film about family, and Jerome’s family sucks at acting. There’s a scene in which Jerome’s older cousin comes home from schooling haters on the court, and all he wants are his Cheetos. Seriously, he screams for Cheetos like he’s about to beat someone to death, and the fact that he doesn’t is actually a letdown. It’s also important to note that one of Jerome’s young friends is a fat white kid with a Judd Apatow film jewfro who can’t overcome his fear of playing basketball. Jerome resolves that by giving him cornrows, as you can see in the DVD cover.

Alas, I simply could not watch all of it, so here’s the only real clip of Like Mike 2 on YouTube, set to the original film’s theme song. Be glad that you can’t hear the lines.

I’m going to spend the next few days imploring Danger Guerrero to watch this film and give us his patented review, because I think we need it and this film certainly deserves it. But in the meantime, I wanted to actually pitch my own movie idea to any of the hundreds of Hollywood execs that I know read this blog on a daily basis.

I give you, Like Mike 3: Boner of an Owner…

Ext. Poorly Lit Neighborhood Basketball Court – Night.

13-year old Quincy Jenkins has just lost a one-on-one game to the local bully. Quincy can’t afford to pay the $5 they bet, so the bully pops his ball and pushes him down in a puddle, ruining his already worn out Velcro Roos.

Quincy

Man, I’m never going to be any good at basketball. I wish I could just be a little taller and faster, and then I’d show everyone that I’m the best ever.

Lightning strikes a telephone line and a street light explodes. Quincy looks up and notices a pair of $6,000 custom Crockett & Jones alligator skin wingtip dress shoes hanging from the pole. He climbs up and grabs them. Suddenly, an old, short, white, Jewish man appears.

Magical Jewish Man

Well hello, son. Those are some fancy dress shoes that you’ve found. Say, I’ve got a NBA franchise for sale, would you be interested in buying it?

Quincy

I’d love to, but I don’t have that kind of money.

Magical Jewish Man

Well what’s with that giant mountain of cash behind you?

Quincy turns around to see a massive pile of cash that must be hundreds of millions of dollars.

Quincy

WHOOOOOOOOOA!

*guitar screech*

Magical Jewish Man

So what do you say, kid? Would you like to be the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats?

Quincy

Boy, would I!

Int. Time Warner Cable Arena – The Next Day.

Quincy is now wearing a mismatched green and brown velvet suit with a black Hanes t-shirt, as he smokes a Cuban cigar while an elderly barber grooms his Hitler mustache. His 13-year old best friend, a fat Chinese kid named Duck, stands near, reading him a list of free agents.

Duck

Sir, here are the free agents available in this offseason… Lamar Odom, Gerald Wallace, Jason Kidd, Baron Davis…

Quincy

Sounds great, give them all max deals.

Duck

But sir, Baron Davis shredded his knee and may never play again.

Quincy

I like it, he’s under the radar. Double max deal! What pick do we have?

Duck

Probably the first overall.

Quincy

Excellent. Trade it for Jason Richardson and release Bismack Biyombo. Someone call Charles Oakley, I’m ready to golf. Also, call Las Vegas and put $1 million on black. I’m the greatest ever!

The Magical Jewish Man cackles in the distance. End scene.

At least it isn’t “Kobe Maybe”. (via Terez Owens)

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Links

The 15 Corniest Verses Of Will Smith’s Rap Career |UPROXX|

Bill Murray’s 10 Most Internet Bait-able Moments |UPROXX|

The 8 People Every Successful Rapper Needs On The Team |Smoking Section|

5 SF Sitcoms Hollywood Should Adapt Before “ALF” |Gamma Squad|

Colin Cowherd Wants Everyone To Know That New Orleans Is A Terrible City |With Leather|

This Week in Posters & Stills: Dark Knights Will Rise, Lizards Gonna Lizard |Film Drunk|

Tumblr That Pairs ‘Simpsons’ and Movie GIFs Is Groin-Grabbingly Good |Warming Glow|

The Comprehensive Guide To The Best, Most Inspiring Commencement Speeches Of 2012 |UPROXX|

New ‘Community’ Showrunners Already Being Mocked Viciously And Hilariously By A Fake Twitter Account |UPROXX|

The 10 Most Popular Shows of the Season Confirms Your Worst Fears |Warming Glow|

Lupe Fiasco’s Not Too Happy With Pete Rock Right Now |Smoking Section|

Nicole Kidman peed on Zac Efron in Lee Daniels’ new golden shower movie |Film Drunk|

10 Suggestions For ‘Backflips & Beatdowns 3′ |With Leather|

First Clip From ‘Total Recall’ Plus A TV Spot And Trigger Happy Pictures |Gamma Squad|

The Five Most Sexist/Misogynistic Print Ads From The Last Five Years |Buzzfeed|

Stephen Colbert Out Of Character: The Best Interviews |HuffPost Comedy|

Need an excuse to waste more of your time online? Paste presents the 50 best movies on Netflix Instant |Fark|

Are These the Only 8 Shows on Network Television Worth a Damn? |Pajiba|

The “Call Me Maybe” Supercut |High Definite|

Are you an international With Leather reader looking to learn a little English so you can have colloquial conversations with the locals about basketball? If so, would you feel more comfortable learning it from a cute Taiwanese lady and a Who Framed Roger Rabbit?-style living cartoon of badly-animated Taiwanese Jeremy Lin? If you answered yes to either of these questions, who the f**k are you and how do you exist?

Anyway, Taiwan’s Next Media Animation project Learn English conversation with Carol! is my new favorite web series. I enjoy the premise (especially if it ends with LeBron James lowering animated Lin into a vat of The Dip) and I like knowing there’s still a place in the world where people think Jeremy Lin is inspiring and great at basketball.

For your viewing pleasure, I present episodes one and two. In episode three, Carol issues Order 66 and the sh*t goes down.

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

How do you say “marry me Carol” in English?

Have you heard the one about the superstar free agent center who left his team, citing myriad problems within the organization as well as his desire to leave behind a “small pond” market for stardom, and then spent the next decade constantly ripping that team at any chance he got for no good reason, ultimately focusing on its new superstar center, who admired and idolized him enough that he used the same nickname, with an inexplicable vitriol that was later passed off as “all in good fun”, eventually finding himself out of the media spotlight when his career ended, only to use that once-again-hurting franchise to make people talk about him, because, hey, what’s a river of bad blood beneath a burned bridge anyway?

*exhales*

Of course you haven’t, because it won’t happen. It can’t happen. Can it?

The Orlando Magic is set to meet with former star Shaquille O’Neal about the team’s vacant general manager position next week, ESPN reported Wednesday, citing sources.

O’Neal, who spent his first four NBA seasons in Orlando, would be an odd choice, given he has no front-office experience and has had a longstanding feud with Magic superstar Dwight Howard. (Via Fox Sports)

Yeah, about this… no. Not gonna happen, folks. You don’t “mutually agree” to let a guy who was terrible at his job walk away, only to bring in a guy who has not only never done that job come but has spent the length of Dwight Howard’s career criticizing him and calling him names. Because that would clearly make Howard stay.

On the other hand, it’s the Magic, so we should expect to hear the announcement any minute now. And he better make that panda his assistant GM.

Indiana Pacers reserve Lance Stephenson has made a name for himself twice in his NBA career. First, in 2010, he was arrested after shoving his girlfriend down a flight of stairs and then slamming her head against the bottom step as he left the home. While that’s hard to top, he reminded us that he still exists during Game 3 of the Eastern Conference semifinals, as he wrapped his hands around his throat to tell LeBron James what he thought of him.

As many people expected, Stephenson’s tactics had two results: 1) He caused James to explode for a combined 70 points in Games 4 and 5 to push the Heat to a 3-2 series lead, and B) The Heat’s role players were going head-hunting. Sure enough, Udonis Haslem and Dexter Pittman reminded the Pacers that they’re going to be disrespected underdogs for just a little bit longer.

First, Haslem laid a vicious hit on Tyler Hansbrough that earned the Heat big man a flagrant 1, but Pittman took the top prize with less than 20 seconds left in the game and a 27-point lead. Pittman could have just gone for an easy rebound, but he instead decided to rock Stephenson in the shoulder and neck with his elbow for a little, as the kids call it, how-do-you-do.

Needless to say, Pittman will likely be enjoying the rest of the playoffs from a couch, otherwise Metta World Peace might destroy a village.

There is no way he can still jump that high. (via Footbasket)

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Links

The 8 TV Actresses Stephen Colbert Managed to Top in the Maxim Hot 100 |Warming Glow|

30 Actors Playing With Themselves (Action Figures Of Themselves, We Mean) |Gamma Squad|

Six Seasons And We Love You Dan Harmon: The Internet Reacts To Dan Harmon’s Firing |UPROXX|

Stephen A. Smith Just Realized What’s So Hilarious About Stephen A. Smith |With Leather|

A Hook Prequel Centered on Rufio Supposedly in Development |Film Drunk|

For Pete’s Sake: 7 More Songs That Used The Same Samples As Pete Rock |Smoking Section|

8-Bit Renditions Of Radiohead’s Two Best Albums Are Not A Let Down |UPROXX|

Nick Offerman Dyes His Hair, Introduces Fresh New ‘Blonde Swanson’ Look |UPROXX|

Kobe Bryant, The Lakers And The $58M Question: What’s Next? |Smoking Section|

Meryl Streep doesn’t watch “comic-strip movies” (bonus: awesome photoshop) |Film Drunk|

Fake Or Not, Pepsi’s Kyrie Irving Video Has Introduced A New Superstar |With Leather|

Original Star Trek Cast Meets Current Cast |Gamma Squad|

This 10 Year Old Really Hates the Kardashians |Warming Glow|

12 Amazing Notes Confiscated By A Middle School Teacher Over The Years |Buzzfeed|

Adult Swim Interview with Hannibal Buress |Adult Swim|

John Mayer’s Hologram |College Humor|

Jerry Seinfeld Reveals His Least Favorite ‘Seinfeld’ Episode |HuffPost Comedy|

Yes, somebody decided to fact check “Battleship” |Fark|

The 5 Most Promising New Shows on the 2012-2013 Network Television Schedule |Pajiba|

If Tony Stark Was a Genetic Engineer Instead |Unreality|

This Dropped Cigarette Has Found a Glitch In the Matrix |Brobible|

Samuel L. Jackson + Darth Vader = Win |NextRound|

One of my all-time favorite things to do is scour the depths of Etsy for random crap, because it’s just amazing how much awesomely ridiculous stuff people can create and sell on the Internet these days. But nothing gets my PayPal account pumping more than the sports gear that dedicated Etsy sellers have whipped up, and that’s why I want to devote this new weekly feature to finding my favorite Etsy sports merchandise, starting with that Tim Tebow pillar candle above.

Sure, I just pointed out that Tebow’s got a team of trademark-happy lawyers that are suing people for making things that don’t even mention the New York Jets backup QB’s name, but that’s not going to stop any of us from grabbing one of these $5 candles and letting the Jets fan upstairs know that we’re pushing for Tebow to get the other New York team a Super Bowl win.

After the jump, get in the gift-giving mood, because Etsy’s got every sport covered…

These custom kicks celebrate Robert Griffin III’s alma mater with unique style for the low price of $35. But don’t worry, non-Baylor fans. You can get any school done, and I will post a picture of my DeVry shoes as soon as they arrive.

I don’t know what Toms are, but these look like the shoes of World Champions. For just $90, your feet can be the classiest and most intelligent of all baseball feet. WARNING: Shoes may send you to the DL.

While not necessarily a brand new style, these tank top and jersey skirts have been heating up arenas across the country. Priced at $40, there’s no better way to support your team as you’re presumably sprinting to your car as people are trying to kill you.

At $150, these New York Knicks fashion pumps are the highest priced item this week, but they’re definitely worth every penny. Mainly because you’ll need them to fight off J.R. Smith’s sister.

I really don’t know what this Randy “Macho Man” Savage dictionary portrait is all about, but for only $5 I want to cover my entire bedroom wall with them.

We’ve all been there: You’re tailgating for the Daytona 500 and hammered drunk, but all of your friends keep showing up for your classic Natty Ice burgers. Who’s going to man the grill when you’re passed out with a Winston Select hanging from your bottom lip? For $19, your toddler can with this one-of-a-kind NASCAR toddler apron.

What better way to introduce your infants to the reality that your favorite players will never stay with your team when their contracts expire than by giving them personalized NFL onesies? Especially when none of the $24.95 goes to the player or the team!

I don’t know what a diaper cake is, but it sounds disgusting. But for $60, I just had to order UPROXX’s resident Phillies fan, Danger Guerrero, a dozen of them. One for him, and 11 to throw at Cliff Lee.

If you thought that Tim Tebow heading to the Big Apple wasn’t a big deal, then you were so very wrong. There were more items than I could choose from, but I thought this adorable $75 Tim Tebow sock monkey would make a perfect gift for any child who has never been subpoenaed.

I have no idea.

"Please don't go to Miami."

Pepsi wants us to believe that NBA Rookie of the Year Kyrie Irving dressed up as an old man named “Uncle Drew” to watch his nephew “Kevin” play a game of pick-up basketball for a documentary. Pepsi wants us to believe that at the Clark’s Pond Courts in Bloomfield, NJ, Uncle Drew was called into the game by Kevin to sub for an injured player and everyone was all like, “This guy?” And Pepsi wants us to believe that everyone just stood there and went apesh*t as Uncle Drew took them all to school.

Screw it, I want to believe it, too, because this latest viral sensation is just too awesome not to appreciate. Maybe for the next video Pepsi MAX can dress Kobe Bryant up as an old man and he can walk around a nursing home blaming all of his soiled diapers on everyone else. Come on, you’d buy a soda to watch that.

(Banner via)

Yesterday, we shared with you comedian Jay Pharoah’s epic, pitch-perfect takedown of Stephen A. Smith during Saturday night’s Weekend Update segment on SNL. It was the kind of thing they need to do more of, in both “do good impressions of people who aren’t on CNN” and “let Jay Pharoah be on your show” interpretations of a thing.

But the fun doesn’t stop there! SportsCenter made the moment even better by filming Actual Stephen A. Smith’s reaction to the impression as he watched it, and it’s the perfect mixture of SAS brush-off and facepalming to let you know he’s a good sport, but he’s also going to sit somewhere by himself a little later and contemplate how life has brought him here.

The wonderful video is below.

The next time he launches into scream-speak, whoever’s on camera with him should just roll their eyes up and scream about how Mario Chalmers doesn’t deserve arms. Oh, and as YouTube user TheBMWright succinctly phrases it:

“I would never wear that suit!”

Wearing the same suit