And Magic Johnson, who was awesome.

Sports

Remember When Magic Happened in the 1980 NBA Finals? - I don’t, really, because I was only a few months old. I also don’t really remember the Miracle on Ice, but I’m going to tell people I do. I remember going to see E.T. and Empire Strikes Back at around this age, though, so you see where my mental priorities lie. [Smoking Section]

The Rogers Centre Field-Stormer, or The Industry’s First Television Star - The new era of instant, viral success has made us a society of doers, not thinkers, and the “doing” always seems to be stupid. I’ve got to be famous and it has to happen RIGHT NOW, I’m going to RUN WHERE THEY TOLD ME NOT TO, YEAHHH. [SBN]

Brothers and Sisters Make Bad Roomates: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Mailbag - These are always worth a read, but you don’t need me to tell you that. I’d start up a With Leather mailbag, too, but I don’t feel like explaining how I’m not gay five times a week every week for the rest of my life. [KSK]

10 Amazing Quotes From Brittney Palmer’s Cagewriter Interview - If you missed yesterday’s Maggie Hendricks-approved analysis of a Maggie Hendricks interview with a 12-year old middle school student who also happens to be a sexy Octagon Girl, check it out. [With Leather]

The Incredibly Strange Love Affair of Kyrie Irving and @MISSHAWAII - I’m not the type to toss a “BITCHES BE CRAZY” tag on posts, but wow, bitches be crazy. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum’s “21 Jump Street” To Be Rated R, Son - Because another R-rated comedy made money so producers went GO GO GO GO. The movie also stars the adorable Valerie Tian, who has maybe the worst filmography of all time (so far it includes Drillbit Taylor, Charlie St. Cloud, The Boy Who Cried Werewolf and a direct-to-video Robert Duvall western from 2006. Holy sh**. [Film Drunk]

Lobster Dog Vs. Lobster Dog - This is just a link to more links, but you should probably see a dog dressed as a lobster preparing to battle something called a “dog” covered with real lobster. [Warming Glow]

Super Mario Gets Some Sweet Converse Sneakers - I would pay good money for these shoes if I was still 15. Make some Excitebike shoes and we’ll talk. [Gamma Squad]

10 Great Things You Might Know Troy McClure From - “Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such TV shows as ‘the good seasons of The Simpsons’.” [Fark]

Okay, maybe not, but how awesome would Catholicism be if you had to dodge one of Dirk’s sh:tty picks to get to the altar?

The Summer of Love continues for Dallas Mavericks one-footed basketball monster Dirk Nowitzki. In the last month we’ve seen him trounce the Miami Heat in Miami to win an NBA Championship, single-handedly down an $80,000 bottle of champagne, put his Dirk in LeBron James’ mouth, become an honorary Ohioan, deliver a Top Ten List on the “Late Show with David Letterman” and throw out an eephus pitch at a Texas Rangers game. Now he gets to return home to Germany, where the Black Eyed Peas are always playing in the background and everybody f**king adores him.

A reported 11,000 people gathered for the Dirk Nowitzki Hero’s Welcome, which featured a personal parade, Dirk waving at everybody from a balcony like he’s Eva Peron, and a karaoke rendition of “We Are the Champions”. Good job, LeBron, you played like Shemp in the fourth quarter and now ALL OF GERMANY is the champion. Check out the video below, with a pointy helmet tip to Pegasus News.

I, for one, welcome our new basketball overlords.

The hat tip says Stan Van Gundy looks like a doppleganger of Ron Jeremy, which in turn makes him remind you of Mario Mario, but I think he’s got more of a Paul Bearer vibe to him. Maybe it’s the funeral blazers. Anyway, the Orlando Magic coach has always been the type to provide a solid blockquote, as he does here, revealing his thoughts on the Miami Heat and that whole “us against the world” vibe.

Via Sports Radio Interviews:

“I’m not going to feel bad that you are struggling on a basketball court because you only get to within two wins of a championship. Come on there was nothing to feel sorry for. I got a little tired I’ll admit of the whole everybody hates us routine. I thought first of all it’s not true. Okay it’s the same as the Yankees type of thing. There’s just a lot of people interested, so there may be more people who dislike you. There are also more people that like you. There’s a great deal of interest. Second of all they brought it on…LeBron more than anybody. They brought all that scrutiny and attention on yourself. You went out seeking it then don’t cry in the face of it. That to me got to be a very tiresome story line.”

I also would’ve accepted “Miami Heat, entitled, got beaten by the Mavericks, boom, roasted.” Van Gundy also added a professional’s perspective to that whole “LeBron turns into Sad Keanu in the fourth” meme.

Even this year we saw LeBron James have great 4th quarters in the Boston series and the Chicago series. I certainly experienced it first hand when we played them back in the Eastern Conference Finals. He was tremendous against us.

If we keep having interviews like this, do you think somebody will finally say “the Dallas Mavericks won the Championship and it didn’t really matter how good LeBron was”?

No?

[headband tip to Off the Bench]

Contained in this video:

1. The Dallas Mavericks on the “Late Show with David Letterman” reading a top-10 list about the best parts of winning an NBA Championship.

2. David Letterman with his head down, solemnly reading his script like he’d rather somewhere cleaning the chin grease out of Jay Leno’s 1922 LaFayette. (Also, Dave trying to remember names of basketball teams)

3. Dallas Mavericks players who speak English as a second language trying to deliver wordy punchlines from the writers of “Late Show with David Letterman”.

4. A funny appearance from Caron Butler, who is still my favorite Dallas Maverick because of how good I am with him in NBA Jam.

5. Mark Cuban’s impossibly straight upper row of teeth

Not contained in this video:

1. Any discussion about Jason Terry getting traded to Which Wich? for a large Pepperoni Pizzawich© and a bag of Lay’s potato chips. They could’ve at least included that pimply-faced kid who hands me a water cup and stands forlornly behind his tip jar. Since when did Nike make Which Wich basketball jerseys, and where can I order one?

2. Randy Orton running in at any point and RKO’ing Mark Cuban, which is the only time I’ve ever notably enjoyed Mark Cuban.

3. Conan O’Brien (just saying)

4. DeShawn Stevenson. “Wandering around drunk in an apartment complex while pondering funny new dick t-shirts” would’ve been a great number eleven.

Proving that no funny t-shirt goes unpunished, Dallas Mavericks shooting guard DeShawn Stevenson was arrested for public intoxication in Irving, Texas, on Tuesday night, two days after winning the NBA Championship. Police picked up Stevenson wandering around an apartment complex (where he does not live) in the middle of the night, and he had no idea where he was, or how this gigantic Abraham Lincoln face ended up on his throat.

From ESPN-Dallas reporter Tim MacMahon:

He was arrested without incident on the Class C misdemeanor charge based on the results of a sobriety test, officer’s observations and his statements.

“They felt he was a danger to himself and others,” Irving public information officer John Argumaniz said. “Basically, he was intoxicated to a point where he didn’t feel comfortable letting him walk away or leave. They didn’t have any other options at that point.”

The Mavericks say they were unaware of the arrest, probably because Mark Cuban was too busy taking pictures of himself pissing at a urinal with the Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy to watch the local news. They have no comment. The Internet of course has TONS AND TONS of comments, including a vague SO THIS IS WHO YOU CHEER FOR INSTEAD OF THE HEAT, INSTEAD OF LEBRON, BOSH, WADE, WHAT A JOKE talking point.

All I can really respond with is “yes, wandering around drunk in an apartment complex is not a really horrible thing, guys, that is like 90% of Memorial Day.”

[via NBCDFW]

Sports (mostly)

LeBron Congratulates the Mavericks - Whoever wrote this did a really good job! [Sportress of Blogitude]

This Week in F**k You: Footnotes - This is how big of a dork I am: the article references David Foster Wallace’s footnotes, and my only frame of reference for them is Dave Barry. You’re ripping off Dave Barry, Bill Simmons! What’re you gonna do next, write 20,000 words about boogers? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The Best and Worst of WWE All-Star Raw 6/13 - I had my first ever Podcast interview last night with TH’s The Wrestling Blog, and if I learned nothing else, it’s that I should stick to writing paragraphs and not try to talk to people about things in real life. I am a rambling interrupting machine! [With Spandex]

TNA Wrestler Qualifies for Food Stamps - and about 3/4 of the roster can qualify for disability, what’s your point? Jesse Neal should qualify for being a professional wrestler by being better at wrestling professionally. Shannon Moore has like eight houses, and he’s terrible. [Camel Clutch Blog]

Not Sports (but oh man)

The Kate Upton Guide To Becoming An Internet Sensation By Your 19th Birthday - Whoops, here’s Kate Upton again, because I don’t have any qualifiers or precedent for who gets to be my Morning Links Lovely Lady of the Bottom Half. Also, every time I post a link about her, I’ve got an excuse to Google image search the sh** out of her. [Next Round]

Good For Health, Bad For Careers: A Gallery Of Careers That Suffered From Sudden Weight Shifts - Already getting tired of seeing people refer to Fat Joe as “Not So Fat Joe!” As someone who has lost 100 pounds in his life (twice, nearly) I appreciate rappers getting in shape, and D’Angelo looking like Kimbo Slice. [Smoking Section]

Scene Breakdown: Cool As Ice - Good for health, bad for careers: signing up to be in a movie with Vanilla Ice. I think my version of this scene breakdown would just be a big picture of Vanilla with “owns motorcycle, is bad boy” under it in big letters. [Film Drunk]

Sean Bean Stabbed in Bar Fight, Orders Another Drink - Not as good as the headline from a few years ago, Sean Bean Dropped Onto Satellite Dish From Great Height, Orders Another Drink. (note: he ordered it shaken, not stirred) (professional comedy writer) [Warming Glow]

TV Show Names According To My Mom - One of my least favorite memories of all time is playing Charades with my family. My Aunt guessed “The Bart Simpson Show” and my family gave it to her. Almost killed myself in front of them. [Buzzfeed]

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